[Slow Suicide]
You know, part of me is scared to write something like this
for a few reasons...not the least of which is that no one gives a shit
well...very few anyways
you know what i mean
I'm happy
right?
i've come to a point where i've stopped caring really.
i take the happiness as it comes and just suck it up when i'm without
shit. i dunno. i know i can help things
some things
for her
for me
but it still hurts
watching her go through this
watching me go through this
and if i still don't know how to help me
how the fuck can i help her
i had to turn away as she was typing her LJ
it was too much to take
i even walked out of english today cause they were talking about rape
ahh ya. that makes a good impression. everyone watched me storm out too
so now everyone in english has a pretty good idea of what's going on
it's so hard to take
i dunno if i can
i can
i dunno if i want to
i don't .want. to
fuck i dunno what i mean. i think you get the point i'm trying to get across though
sometimes i wanna wake up again and find my arm in shreds
would you all pay attention to me then?
if i told you i was being put away
what if i told you that sometimes i .want. to be put away
would you listen then?
sometimes i dunno if I'm .too. fucked up or not fucked up enough
that makes no sense...but it does to me
sometimes i don't wanna deal with anything: people, work school...life i dunno
which reminds me:
i'm working 20 hours a week. 8 hours paging (shelving books) and 12 at circulation (checking out books). now i'm the only official "page" who knows how to work the program we use to check out books. i'm working more than double the hours of every page...but guess what, i'm getting paid 10cents LESS than a page who's been there for about 3 months less time than i have...uhhh ya
bullshit? you better believe it. i'm getting $7.85 an hr...at the next raise this page will be getting $7.95. i should be getting $9 AT THE BARE MINIMUM
so the fact that my job is deathly boring and i'm working for the equivalent of spick pay makes it oh.
so
much
better
i'm doing this not to be selfish...well that's not my intent, but i'm sure all this is mroe than a little selfish
i'm doing this in part cause i promised her i wouldn't keep things from her. i'd tell her even if it did hurt her, but you know how hard that is to do to someone's face. especially when they're going through shit too?
not easy at .all.
but i dunno what i'm supposed to do
i .can't. keep it in. i've done that for 13 years.
i dunno .why. i have, but i have
if i had told my parents what happened when i was six, you know? and that it fucked up my entire life, and that i've done pills and alcohol and all this shit, they'd have put me away
i'm sure of it
though now i admit, maybe that's what i needed
cause all it is now is pent up over 13 fucking years
and it's all going to come out, and it has started
and i'm losing my will to keep the bad stuff in
the bad stuff
the fuck up
the "stupid" stuff
it just gets harder and harder
i'm the best actor i know
not cause i get cast as leads in plays
but i can keep
pain
and addiction
and depression from my parents
for THIRTEEN YEARS
but what's the point?
in other news
people are fake
people = shit, as slipknot says it
mike, the kid iw as totally gonna jam with
is the most arrogant asshole of a musician
no wonder i enjoy playing music alone...
we were playing in the student lounge
people stopped what they were doing to listen
but he stops mid-song because he wants to do something different
then he just stops completely cause we were playing funny songs
and he wanted to play "real" music
fuck that
anyway
i cant keep it in anymore
even if i wanted to
even if she .asked. me to
i can't
and i won't
i'm going to ruin everything someday
i just know it
i could continue writing
but my mind has lost all ability to create thoughts...or remember the ones i've created
it's been true for days...weeks
ask jesse
i've learned things over the course of my life
1.) people change
2.) people .need. change
3.) some things can't and never will change
4.) some things get worse over 13 years
for a few reasons...not the least of which is that no one gives a shit
well...very few anyways
you know what i mean
I'm happy
right?
i've come to a point where i've stopped caring really.
i take the happiness as it comes and just suck it up when i'm without
shit. i dunno. i know i can help things
some things
for her
for me
but it still hurts
watching her go through this
watching me go through this
and if i still don't know how to help me
how the fuck can i help her
i had to turn away as she was typing her LJ
it was too much to take
i even walked out of english today cause they were talking about rape
ahh ya. that makes a good impression. everyone watched me storm out too
so now everyone in english has a pretty good idea of what's going on
it's so hard to take
i dunno if i can
i can
i dunno if i want to
i don't .want. to
fuck i dunno what i mean. i think you get the point i'm trying to get across though
sometimes i wanna wake up again and find my arm in shreds
would you all pay attention to me then?
if i told you i was being put away
what if i told you that sometimes i .want. to be put away
would you listen then?
sometimes i dunno if I'm .too. fucked up or not fucked up enough
that makes no sense...but it does to me
sometimes i don't wanna deal with anything: people, work school...life i dunno
which reminds me:
i'm working 20 hours a week. 8 hours paging (shelving books) and 12 at circulation (checking out books). now i'm the only official "page" who knows how to work the program we use to check out books. i'm working more than double the hours of every page...but guess what, i'm getting paid 10cents LESS than a page who's been there for about 3 months less time than i have...uhhh ya
bullshit? you better believe it. i'm getting $7.85 an hr...at the next raise this page will be getting $7.95. i should be getting $9 AT THE BARE MINIMUM
so the fact that my job is deathly boring and i'm working for the equivalent of spick pay makes it oh.
so
much
better
i'm doing this not to be selfish...well that's not my intent, but i'm sure all this is mroe than a little selfish
i'm doing this in part cause i promised her i wouldn't keep things from her. i'd tell her even if it did hurt her, but you know how hard that is to do to someone's face. especially when they're going through shit too?
not easy at .all.
but i dunno what i'm supposed to do
i .can't. keep it in. i've done that for 13 years.
i dunno .why. i have, but i have
if i had told my parents what happened when i was six, you know? and that it fucked up my entire life, and that i've done pills and alcohol and all this shit, they'd have put me away
i'm sure of it
though now i admit, maybe that's what i needed
cause all it is now is pent up over 13 fucking years
and it's all going to come out, and it has started
and i'm losing my will to keep the bad stuff in
the bad stuff
the fuck up
the "stupid" stuff
it just gets harder and harder
i'm the best actor i know
not cause i get cast as leads in plays
but i can keep
pain
and addiction
and depression from my parents
for THIRTEEN YEARS
but what's the point?
in other news
people are fake
people = shit, as slipknot says it
mike, the kid iw as totally gonna jam with
is the most arrogant asshole of a musician
no wonder i enjoy playing music alone...
we were playing in the student lounge
people stopped what they were doing to listen
but he stops mid-song because he wants to do something different
then he just stops completely cause we were playing funny songs
and he wanted to play "real" music
fuck that
anyway
i cant keep it in anymore
even if i wanted to
even if she .asked. me to
i can't
and i won't
i'm going to ruin everything someday
i just know it
i could continue writing
but my mind has lost all ability to create thoughts...or remember the ones i've created
it's been true for days...weeks
ask jesse
i've learned things over the course of my life
1.) people change
2.) people .need. change
3.) some things can't and never will change
4.) some things get worse over 13 years