Yeah, I'll probably delete this (P.S. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how sick I was Kim)
Carol Boschma died last Tuesday. I was never a member of New Life so she was never my pastor but, growing up Christian in Duncan I went to New Life events, coffee houses, and had a lot of friends who attended that church. She was a lovely person, full of enthusiasm and laughter. I decided that I would like to go to her memorial service out of respect but, I didn't have the guts to go alone -- not with all my old high school friends there; most of them pregnant, married, still friends with one another, and in the city I grew up in, where nothing ever seems to have changed, except me of course.
I spoke to Kim, who is one of my last remaining friends from my church and high school days, and she wanted to attend the funeral too. We decided to go together after she got off work. Shortly before she came to pick me up I started feeling sick. I ignored it until about five minutes before she picked me up, because that was when I started throwing up. It was too late to cancel, and besides, I didn't know if she would go on her own, so I straightened my dress, wiped my face, brushed my teeth and went outside to meet her.
The sanctuary at the church was full, so an additional chapel was opened and that filled up too. We sat in the foyer and watched a TV that was broadcasting the service. This gave the memorial a surreal feeling, as though everything had all happened a very long time ago and we were just watching the movie.
After the service everyone asked me the usual uncomfortable questions over and over again. It was terrible, because too many questions makes me feel awkward under the best of circumstances, and feeling sick magnified that so I said all kinds of terrible things in response. Was I married? , Was I engaged? ("No, but I have a thirty-two year old Jewish boyfriend!") Did I think we would get married? (God only knows! I guess if he's lucky...) Was he a Christian? By 'Jewish' did I mean that he was a Messianic Jew? ("no, sadly he's only a Jew") Yeah, that's sad, he'll be won over one day right? ("I guess...but didn't you know that Jews are like the next best things to Christians? I mean, if you can't be a Christian you can at least be a Jew.") What does he look like? ("Oh you know, Jew-like") How did we meet? We weren't living together were we? What was I doing with my life exactly?, and my favourite: I saw you on TV in an infomercial for like Save the Children or something...When did you do that? ("I don't know what you're talking about")
It was one of those situations where you can actually see the people disaproving of you. It's awkward because you can see that they think they know where you are spiritually and emotionally and you want to say "Actually I'm not who you think I am" but of course, saying that to people you don't really know in social settings is inappropriate. I say inappropriate things all the time (see the above parentheses) but there is no real opportunity to explain my health problems that caused me to drop out of school, have several stays in the hospital, a CAT scan, an EEG, an ultrasound, and numerous blood tests. There's no way to explain to these people why I've made the decisions I've made, how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go. I'll have to content myself with numerous people praying for my soul. Which is okay I guess, because my soul probably needs it anyway.
I spoke to Kim, who is one of my last remaining friends from my church and high school days, and she wanted to attend the funeral too. We decided to go together after she got off work. Shortly before she came to pick me up I started feeling sick. I ignored it until about five minutes before she picked me up, because that was when I started throwing up. It was too late to cancel, and besides, I didn't know if she would go on her own, so I straightened my dress, wiped my face, brushed my teeth and went outside to meet her.
The sanctuary at the church was full, so an additional chapel was opened and that filled up too. We sat in the foyer and watched a TV that was broadcasting the service. This gave the memorial a surreal feeling, as though everything had all happened a very long time ago and we were just watching the movie.
After the service everyone asked me the usual uncomfortable questions over and over again. It was terrible, because too many questions makes me feel awkward under the best of circumstances, and feeling sick magnified that so I said all kinds of terrible things in response. Was I married? , Was I engaged? ("No, but I have a thirty-two year old Jewish boyfriend!") Did I think we would get married? (God only knows! I guess if he's lucky...) Was he a Christian? By 'Jewish' did I mean that he was a Messianic Jew? ("no, sadly he's only a Jew") Yeah, that's sad, he'll be won over one day right? ("I guess...but didn't you know that Jews are like the next best things to Christians? I mean, if you can't be a Christian you can at least be a Jew.") What does he look like? ("Oh you know, Jew-like") How did we meet? We weren't living together were we? What was I doing with my life exactly?, and my favourite: I saw you on TV in an infomercial for like Save the Children or something...When did you do that? ("I don't know what you're talking about")
It was one of those situations where you can actually see the people disaproving of you. It's awkward because you can see that they think they know where you are spiritually and emotionally and you want to say "Actually I'm not who you think I am" but of course, saying that to people you don't really know in social settings is inappropriate. I say inappropriate things all the time (see the above parentheses) but there is no real opportunity to explain my health problems that caused me to drop out of school, have several stays in the hospital, a CAT scan, an EEG, an ultrasound, and numerous blood tests. There's no way to explain to these people why I've made the decisions I've made, how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go. I'll have to content myself with numerous people praying for my soul. Which is okay I guess, because my soul probably needs it anyway.