Begone devil, begone!
Do you have a rebellious dog? Has he been seen hanging out with the "wrong" crowd down on 32nd and Main? Has your dog been ill-tempered? Is she possessed by teh debil?!?
Yes? Good. I have a solution for you that will SOLVE your problems.
Here is how it goes:
Step One: Contact Petco. No laughing - it's true, Petco is the source of all evil that is good and wonderful in the training world. They know EVERYTHING about dog training. EVERYTHING.
Step Two: Get a referral from Petco. If you have a dog possessed by the devil, Petco will throw in a priest for half the price.
Step Three: Bring trainer Jill Deringer, referred to you by the almighty PETCO, into your home.
Step Four: Hold your dog's paws as the exorcist/trainer expunges the devil from your dog by poking him repeatedly in the head and chest for over an hour.
Step Five: Rush your dying dog to the vet.
Step Six: Bury or cremate dead dog.
Voila! Problem solved - the devil has been sent to hell with your dog's corpse, and now you can rest easy knowing your dog's eternal soul is floating in doggie heaven (please ignore the priest who tells you dogs have no souls and all that remains of your beloved canine is a decomposing, SINFUL body).
Lisa Berstien tried this method and her German Shepherd puppy died! That means Jill Deringer, trainer from the bowels of all that is good and PETCOey, did her job well.
Jill Deringer feels REAL BAD about the death of the dog. But, she feels that had the dog not been muzzled, had she not been poking the dog for over an hour, had she actually got a degree in canine behavior - she would have been MAULED TO DEATH!!! By a muzzled dog. That she sat on. And killed. Now, I gotta tell you, being killed by a dying, muzzled dog you are sitting on has got to take some major skillz.
Oh yeah, Deringer also blames the dog dying while being poked on the fact the dog was not exercised enough. I like that Deringer does not live in logic land. She is an island all unto herself. We can only hope the island will suddenly be struck down by a lightning bolt of doom.
One more thing - if anyone ever tried to muzzled Mina, let alone sit on her and poke her for an hour, they had better be prepared for my wrath. It will involve mace, a buck knife and papercuts. It won't be pretty.
*ahem* Here's an article: http://www.kfoxtv.com/family/9544547/detail.html