brain, fading baseline
Writers note: the following is presented largely as written, the actual events described really happened, and they happened as I described them. Given what occurred I wanted to keep everything intact. I realize it’s long the way God is big, and I realize that most won’t get through it. However, for those that are interested and make it all the way through I feel that I owe that much. I mean, it’s that bizarre in certain spots…
Warm greetings and salutations. I am coming to you live from the Tony Suite at the Rudy Estate. I am joined by my feline colleague Mos Cat and the inevitability of the longest entry ever witnessed by man. I say man because I don’t feel as if I can comfortably make that claim for the rest of Earths populace, especially the dolphins. If they are indeed as smart as Douglas Adams would have us believe then the blogging technologies they must have surly dwarf ours. And as such, this technological advantage surely facilitates content quality and, more relevant here, volume.
At this point I should probably start explaining. If you are reading this then right now, yes, now, you are joining me in an experiment that may change all our lives.
I am going to watch a basketball game.
I’ll give you a moment to clean up and rid your ears of the ringing sounds of your own ecstasy.
Here is the plan, I will watch tonight as the Sixers take on the Timberwolves, I will do what I normally do during a game, and I will document the proceedings. To be only slightly clearer, though I thoroughly dislike them as a team, the Portland Trail Blazers come to mind…
My pre-game festivities are about to commence, Mos seems very excited as he tortures a small stuffed octopus within an inch of his life, I’ll be back at tip-off.
Tip-off…. Dammit. This is earlier then I anticipated.
The Sixers look good to start, two straight set plays run for Igudala… did god finally hear me?
Um, three straight plays now for Iggy. Sadly we are only able to garner one bucket from that stretch. I can only hope this dissuades Coach Cheeks from further pursuing this strategy and we go back to him taking two shots a game. Which is what you want from your starting shooting guard, presumably.
Iverson looks off tonight as he has now missed three straight, this is where it’s interesting to see…
Wow, alley-hoop to Igudala from Webber, puts it through one handed, seriously: get. Him. More. Shots.
I need a commercial break; this is where football may be more conducive to this approach.
10-6 Wolves. Our defense can be described in many words, sadly all of them can be consolidated into: porous.
Webber gets a dunk. “Maybe this will get his shot going”
Maybe it will, but thus far that statement has been made after every successful attempt for him all season and it has only proven true twice. Maybe once and a half. Do people realize he is shooting significantly worse then Iverson this year?
Webber dunks again, and one. I don’t even know what to say; it’s as if life itself has a vested interested in me being wrong. That’s alright though; I’m not too fond of life anyway… she’s a bitch.
My bitch.
Sorry, if you read sinfest.com that was mildly amusing. Trust me.
Webber is about to shoot his free throw and I’m putting the laptop down, I’ll see you all in five… to ten.
Garnett, dunk. KG is jogging back and something is hanging out of his mouth, I think its Webbers pride. It’s surely not his defensive effort as there isn’t nearly enough for a mouthful.
Garnett three, Webber answers with jumper… game on. By the way, by game on I mean this has as much a chance of working out well for us as the Sixers have of winning the title this year. Exactly the same probability factor: 900 - 1.
Hm… Vegas has it as 25-1. I’ll agree to disagree here.
Korver is out in favor of John Salmons. I have to say, I have really enjoyed the work of Salmons this year, I can’t believe he is a legitimate NBA player. I mean, should he be the first man off the bench for a quality team? No way. Does the fact that he is exactly that man for us speak volumes as to the relative quality of our reserves? Yes it does.
That being said, I’m so pleasantly astonished that he is coming into games this year and it doesn’t seem like someone is playing a joke on the fans by putting him out there, that I can’t help but be happy with the development.
So, I guess I don’t mind him coming in for Korver.
Oh, the first quarter us over. We are down by 5.
Iverson is shooting poorly but keeps shooting, normally this isn’t good, as a matter of fact usually this is an 18-car pileup type scenario, but he is doing so many other things and playing so hard that he’s still carrying the team out there. We’re within 2 and on a 6-0 run. Matt Barnes is in, I don’t have enough space in all the internet to discuss my feelings on him.
Turnover. Dunk the other way, we are down by 4.
Garnett is out! Michael Olowokandi is in. In other great news the Haitian Sensation also checks in, we were starting to catch too many passes out there anyway… I love Sammy.
Holy crap, Matt Barnes just made a jumper. His first as a Sixer. And Wally hits one in his face at the other end. Barnes is allegedly a defensive specialist, of course.
Salmons with a hard twisting layup. Finally, he’s been struggling lately and needed that. Not getting any calls, most refs still look at him like the guy he was last year… that guy couldn’t get a call playing the role of the victim in an on-court homicide. And in case you are curious, yes, Salmons was fouled during the layup he just made. If he can survive until the refs adjust to his being an actual player he’ll have a nice career. If he doesn’t, two words:
Terrell Davis.
On a “Sixers chance to win a championship as defined earlier” scale.
Webber is having a fantastic game so far, but, as always, when he has good games he just seems to fall into them. He doesn’t look like he controls that kind of thing as much as you want a guy to. Here is what I mean:
Webber will get lots of rebounds… if lots of rebounds come to the spots where he is, relatively. He seems like that with everything.
He makes another jumper and brings us to within one. I can’t believe this is working.
Webber eats Babies.
Matt Barnes makes a driving floater. Close… well, weird enough anyway.
Jaric is killing us. I hate him more then words can imply. As a member of the ESPN2kSports NBA05 Los Angeles Clippers he tore me and Dave a new one in the game of his life. He was, literally, unstoppable… double teaming him with Sean Marion and Andre Igudala only seemed to anger him, that whole experience, it was horrible.
Jaric just stole the ball, missed a layup at the other end, got his own rebound, and nailed a three. I can’t even describe what this feels like. Reliving a nightmare? Close, but without the right twisted psychological tang. Reliving a nightmare… in reverse.
We are down 4, Webber great look to Sammy… but he doesn’t catch it cleanly and is late with the layup, he misses it and the Wolves get a dunk at the other end. Conclusion: I want to know if we can equip Samuel with some sort of robot arms. Sticky gloves. Finger extenders. Something. Anything. A woven basket.
Garnett blocks Iverson, he is now 4-14. How we are within 6 is beyond me.
Szczerbiak for three, we are down 9… I feel a lot more comfortable with the world.
Haitian Sensations attempt is sent into the third row by the Kandi Man, I love this game.
There is a sequence that just happened where: Sammy almost lost the ball 3 times, tried to cross over Kandi, Igudala threw the ball off of Garnett’s leg back to himself, and missed a layup… and Webber got an offensive rebound and a dunk. This is how you run an offense.
That got us going though, Iverson with a fantastic layup, Igudala with an offensive board and putback, and we are tied. Incredible.
SAMMY LOOMING! The boy is a tremendous shot blocker though, god bless him. I even like how he gets one or two goaltending calls against him a game. Shades of the Hoyas. Hm, maybe he is doing it to appease Iverson. If he is, crafty plan, though it would be craftier if he just caught the ball when Iverson passed it to him.
We are tied heading into halftime at 44-44. We have a good shot here, if we play better. We played a really shitty half and we are tied, if we play a good second half (i.e. if Iverson picks it up) we have a good chance of winning. No one is in foul trouble, which is fantastic, for Sammy this is literally the first time this year.
If he can stay out of foul trouble he is, more or less, exactly what we need out there. That’s how big this is. He really is a fantastic fit for the franchise; I really liked resigning him this summer. I like a lot of things about him. Everything except the hands. One day… maybe utilizing reptilian DNA regenerative properties combined with cutting edge stem cell research to re-grow, I don’t know… certain body parts… we will have a great starting center.
Oh, and his decision making is spotty. But I’m not even close to being ready to discuss that right now. Today is Monday, Monday is hands day.
The wolves are 6/13 from the three point line. I really have no idea how we are winning this game. Actually, that’s not true; I know exactly how we are winning this game.
Webber is too often lazy on defensive boards, and he is a republican.
We are a go.
Garnett makes jumper. Oh yeah, on the other hand he could wake up and then our chances of winning take a decisive turn for the worst.
Korver answers Wally’s jumper with one of his own. I am pleased with the symmetry.
Sammy with a jumper of his own, answering Anthony Carter. I don’t know what that means. I am pleased Sammy made a jumper though.
Sammy, D board.
Sammy kills Szczerbiak, drills him in the face with an elbow… fairly inadvertent. Honestly, I’m not exactly crying. He just gave a black-eye to the other teams leading scorer. Sammy does have three fouls now; the watch for four is on.
Mo Cheeks, clearly affected by my concern, sits tall lanky down for a spell. Hunter comes in, I am glad he is back in the lineup, I liked him last year in Phoenix and I like him here. I stand by that.
Szczerbiak misses a wide open three, seriously, next play. If you are a sixer fan, tell me, are you complaining? The Haitian Sensation indeed.
When Webber double clutches his jumper he makes it like 25% of the time. He makes only 30% of his jumpers anyway but comeon, I don’t think what you need here is an added degree of difficulty.
Down by three Iverson, he is fantastic at this, just grinding out points when the offense isn’t running well and you need a bucket. Gets to the line and sinks two to bring us within one.
We make a defensive stop and Webber kills a jumper (doesn’t double clutch), nice timing here.
Steve and Mark are right, Igudala needs to take it to his man when he has this kind of an advantage in strength and athleticism, Wally is guarding him. Instead he misses a fadeaway and the Wolves score on the other end.
Again down by three and Iverson makes a driving layup to bring the Sixers within one, again, he is great at this. Back and forth game and every time the wolves threaten to get ahead by five or six he gets points and keeps it even.
Korver with a three after a defensive stop. We’re up by two and the Wolves call a timeout. Sometimes I really enjoy this team.
Good D out of the timeout but gave up the offensive board… nothing good can come from this. Foul on floor. Stopped again, got the board, very will done. Hunter is playing hard in there, got an offensive board after a Webber jumper but missed the putback.
Garnett with jumper and we are tied.
Korver draws a charge on Garnett, this is why I say Kyle Korver is an underrated defender. Discuss.
And he can certainly do that, Korver jumper, Sixers by two. One minute left in the third.
Webber with a driving two handed dunk through the lane! My god, every time he plunges in there like that, given his shape now, I really worry for his long term well being. It just looks like a body being tossed out of a club. The old Al Bundy collar throw.
End of quarter and we are up by four. This is going well, and Iverson is still having a really quiet game. But, again, he is doing the little things. This is what he is so much better at doing the last two years, he manages the game a lot better, he affects it more without having to score as much.
Seriously, Chris Webber is a poop head.
We are up by six.
Wally makes a three, three point game now and Garnett is on the bench… we really need to come out ahead here he will not be on the bench long.
Nice, Iverson misses a shot and they get another basket. We call a timeout. He had Hunter open under the basket. Sometimes I really hate this team.
The range of emotion I experience during an average basketball game is, I think, most closely approximated by female menstruation.
Speaking of, apparently our entire bench is now on the floor. It’s Iverson and a group of nondescript yokels.
Our white guys get a bucket! Together! Randolph, Barnes, and Korver combine on a bucket! The Korver pass deflected pass, to the Barnes missed layup, to the Randolph putback. So, now we know, now we have the answer.
It takes three.
Randolph with dunk! Crazy pass by Iverson! We are up by seven! All is forgiven, no, no, don’t say a word. It’s not you… it’s me, because… you see… I love you.
Randolph gets excited and fouls Jaric, I don’t necessarily look at this as a bad thing. Horrible timing though, we were on a run and with eight minutes left this was an opportunity to do major damage. Especially with Garnett still on the bench. What he is doing there, I am not the kind of man who can give you an answer.
Randolph gets an awkward offensive board and passes to Korver whose three is blocked by Szczerbiak, the symmetry disturbs me. But now Szczerbiak travels… it all evens out.
Randolph to the line, this is like the third pass Iverson has thrown to him… he has caught two. This is a good sign. Even Webber likes him! Slapped his ass on the way to the bench, the words “atta boy” come to mind.
Salmons with a three to extend the lead to eight, this can only be described as: unlikely.
We are up by six with five minutes to go. I am terror personified. Garnett is back in the game, but so is Webber. It’s ok though, because Webber is way to slow to close out on Garnett’s jumper and he will kill us with it. I firmly believe this.
WEBBER WITH MONSTER DUNK!!!
(Holy shit are you kidding me, I can’t believe this is happening)
Oh, yes I can. Webber just got a technical for showboating after the said dunk.
Korver. Just. Dunked.
And One.
I will no longer even pretend to understand the events that unfold before me tonight.
We are up by eight with three minutes to go. Big offensive position. Igudala takes a three and misses. I like the play though, and he was wide open. If anything I think Iverson got it to him a bit late, but he still needs to make that.
The refs are horrible in this game, Garnett was just mauled… however, on that play, Korver played fantastic help defense. This is my entire point with him. He’s not Artest, he’s not even good… but he is not a huge liability, if you can surround him with other good defenders. Though this point is also why he is ideally a bench player, he’s a freaking fantastic bench player. It bothers me that he starts for us.
Three point game, minute and a half. We have the ball. This is huge, out of the timeout. Jaric fouls Iverson on the floor. This is five on him and he is on the bench, I’m not sure why.
Iverson misses jumper, minute left. Szczerbiak drills three to tie the game. Minnesota is on a ten nothing run. Wolves steal the ball, we are down two. I am seriously considering never watching sports again.
Thirty five seconds.
Igudala to Webber! Great look inside by Iggy, he was trapped on the baseline underneath the basket with the defense collapsing and found Webber in the paint for a short hook. He is an underrated passes. He’s slightly underrated in general, by people who are reasonable. By your average NBA fan, he’s probably overrated. This is a good litmus test. Feel free to use it next time you are in a conversation with someone who you suspect is an NBA fan. Then run.
Wolves have the ball, tie game, 23 seconds. They are playing for last shot. On the elbow, Garnett. Webber is alone on him…
Jumper, wow, good closeout by Webber, forced a tough shot… Garnett actually kind of double clutched it, or rather bent at an awkward angle… I don’t know, Garnett is weird. Very difficult to accurately describe what he does. Overtime, I need to pee.
Webber wins the tip-offs. Against Garnett. I feel great about that.
We turn it over and Garnett makes a fadeaway to put the Wolves up by two. Right.
Webber answers with a jumper.
Webber tough D on KG. (They are not calling anything in this game. By tough defense I mean Webber is literally grabbing Garnett by the bicep with one hand and around the waist with another, it’s actually pretty funny)
Jaric with a layup, damn it all.
Igudala sets up Barnes(I know, no idea why he is in there) and Jaric fouls him… number six. He is out, we have a chance!
Barnes predictably makes one of two, but Webber defenses (love this word) Garnett well, only slightly mauls him, and forces a miss, and …on the other end… MAKES A JUMPER!
One point lead, Steve Mix echoes my sentiment, with a slightly more visual connotation, and happily exclaims, “…and we are on THE SEASAW!” I am now officially fired up. So much so that I just ignored a phone call from my sister; I will pay for that dearly. I have to remember to call her after the game.
Up one with two minutes, Iverson looses the ball as Garnett comes over to help on the drive. Garnett is like Spawn out there, stretching indefinitely.
Webber defenses again! Garnett another miss.
Dammit Chris, Webber gets cocky on the other end, Garnett defenses him right back(not for lack of effort on Webbers part, he threw himself in there) and we commit a foul going the other way.
Both free throws are missed! Carter is an 83 percent shooter; we are still up by one. Webber turns it over! Gets it back! Misses! Blocks Garnett at the other end to preserve the lead!
We call a timeout, Mo knew I needed it, my “one” key is jammed. There are thirty seconds left, we need to get a good shot here. I don’t think Garnett will miss again, I just really really feel bad about the possibility of such a scenario.
Igudala misses an open jumper from the top of the key. This is horrible, they finally came out looking to go to him and he has misses some big open jumpers. I hope we don’t have a ten game stretch ahead of us where he doesn’t take a single jumper and only gets shots on offensive put-backs.
Wolves have the ball with eighteen seconds left, down by one. Let’s see if Webber has another miracle in him.
Webber blocks him!
Shit, out of bounds on Korver and Minnesota will have the ball again with seven seconds left. I don’t know how many more times we can doge this bullet.
The crowd is on their feet!
Now I am echoing Steve Mix.
… …white guy … to Garnett, Webber steal! Loose ball!
Minnesota ball with .4 seconds left.
Don’t do this to me.
…
Garnett airball, sixers win.
Webber is player of the game.
I have no words.
-tony
tough in the paint