In a turn of events that surely signals the end for all...
...I have to write a self-review for work. The prospect of a self-analysis within the scope of my professional functionality utilizing the framework defined by our HR department (and the flip of a two sided coin somewhere along the way, I am sure) is a fantastically paralyzing concept to me. I don’t mean to imply that I am at a loss for words when asked a simple question such as, “how are you doing at work?” That is not the case. My brain simply becomes overloaded at the prospect of such an open ended query with the topic so closely related to, well, me, and with boundaries, as, again, defined by HR department, nowhere in sight.
I’m sure that was a lot of to take in, reward yourself with a 10 minute break from thought.
… I don’t know, go watch CNN or something.
Welcome back. We are discussing the logistics of me writing a self review. The fact that I feel overloaded with possible directions I can go with this undertaking isn’t exactly a surprise. Keep in mind, within these words you are dealing with a man for whom the mere act of opening his eyes in the morning and registering light is enough to come dangerously close to a devastating aneurysm. I over-think things, and no, not in a “I listen to Emo and hurt because I feel and think too much” way. I take a decidedly more utilitarian approach to my dementia. You see, when something happens that is related to me, it is my brains sacred duty to think about all the possible avenues of action. Given the nature of the world, the avenues are infinite. And there you are. Quite simple, and with a lot less rhythmic distortion and screaming… which I do enjoy truth be told. Fuck, I think I’m Emo.
Irregardless, you can be an Emo, or you can be an Emu. The only thing you can’t be… is the president. At least I can’t. I wasn’t born in this country… something about promoting from within.
I don’t know, I just remember it was one of the first things I heard in this country when we landed. True story. The first INS guy we saw as we stepped off the plane cracked to our group, “welcome to America, you can be anything you want to be here… except the president”. It was translated to me. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how to take that. At the moment I am leaning towards “retroactively insulting”… but that could just be the bad coffee I had this morning.
The problem I have with writing a self-review is I’m not definite of the goal of this exercise. The way I see it, it can fall in two categories. It’s either a way to make the jobs of managers writing actual reviews easier. In which case it’s patiently absurd. Or, it’s a way to do actual self assessment so that those interested in careers can get a different prospective (oddly enough from themselves) on their progress and possible areas where they can use improvement. In this case it’s actually a good idea, but it will only work for something like 10% of the work force.
Kids, what happens when no decision is made? That’s right! It’s your favorite friend and mine: INDECISION!
I was made to attend a meeting regarding this new form of self mutilation. During the ordeal I brought up that very question, namely, in which direction do they want us to go with this. Is this supposed to be a form of self-back-slapping, or is this a serious endeavor and are they aware that in that case it will fail. Basically, this question can be worded as follows (which is the exact wording I used):
Will these self-reviews directly impact our end of the year bonus?
You know me too well if you know that, the moment our HR representative paused unsure of herself when faced with my query, I launched into a verbose clarification. I pointed out all of the above, namely that if you make the bonus a function of the self-review (it is right now a function of the managers’ review) you are ensuring that all you will get is useless lists of things people think they did well. On the other hand, if you make the review specifically about identifying areas where improvement is necessary, the majority won’t take them seriously.
The answer to my question consisted of, (I’m paraphrasing here) “a little of column A, and a little of column B”. Yes, and I love you and you love me… and indecision is all that I see.
So, this is where you find me. Unsure of what the hell is wanted from me and procrastinating by writing a journal entry about it. I’m convinced this is happening because I’ll never get to live out my life long dream of becoming the president of this country.
…and pass a law that ensures your car automatically explodes when you don’t use turn signals properly.
Tomorrow: follow up to this whole review mess, an explanation of my return to this space(and why I don’t want to talk about it), and my “sent mail” anxiety.
-tony
the confidence of silence
I’m sure that was a lot of to take in, reward yourself with a 10 minute break from thought.
… I don’t know, go watch CNN or something.
Welcome back. We are discussing the logistics of me writing a self review. The fact that I feel overloaded with possible directions I can go with this undertaking isn’t exactly a surprise. Keep in mind, within these words you are dealing with a man for whom the mere act of opening his eyes in the morning and registering light is enough to come dangerously close to a devastating aneurysm. I over-think things, and no, not in a “I listen to Emo and hurt because I feel and think too much” way. I take a decidedly more utilitarian approach to my dementia. You see, when something happens that is related to me, it is my brains sacred duty to think about all the possible avenues of action. Given the nature of the world, the avenues are infinite. And there you are. Quite simple, and with a lot less rhythmic distortion and screaming… which I do enjoy truth be told. Fuck, I think I’m Emo.
Irregardless, you can be an Emo, or you can be an Emu. The only thing you can’t be… is the president. At least I can’t. I wasn’t born in this country… something about promoting from within.
I don’t know, I just remember it was one of the first things I heard in this country when we landed. True story. The first INS guy we saw as we stepped off the plane cracked to our group, “welcome to America, you can be anything you want to be here… except the president”. It was translated to me. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how to take that. At the moment I am leaning towards “retroactively insulting”… but that could just be the bad coffee I had this morning.
The problem I have with writing a self-review is I’m not definite of the goal of this exercise. The way I see it, it can fall in two categories. It’s either a way to make the jobs of managers writing actual reviews easier. In which case it’s patiently absurd. Or, it’s a way to do actual self assessment so that those interested in careers can get a different prospective (oddly enough from themselves) on their progress and possible areas where they can use improvement. In this case it’s actually a good idea, but it will only work for something like 10% of the work force.
Kids, what happens when no decision is made? That’s right! It’s your favorite friend and mine: INDECISION!
I was made to attend a meeting regarding this new form of self mutilation. During the ordeal I brought up that very question, namely, in which direction do they want us to go with this. Is this supposed to be a form of self-back-slapping, or is this a serious endeavor and are they aware that in that case it will fail. Basically, this question can be worded as follows (which is the exact wording I used):
Will these self-reviews directly impact our end of the year bonus?
You know me too well if you know that, the moment our HR representative paused unsure of herself when faced with my query, I launched into a verbose clarification. I pointed out all of the above, namely that if you make the bonus a function of the self-review (it is right now a function of the managers’ review) you are ensuring that all you will get is useless lists of things people think they did well. On the other hand, if you make the review specifically about identifying areas where improvement is necessary, the majority won’t take them seriously.
The answer to my question consisted of, (I’m paraphrasing here) “a little of column A, and a little of column B”. Yes, and I love you and you love me… and indecision is all that I see.
So, this is where you find me. Unsure of what the hell is wanted from me and procrastinating by writing a journal entry about it. I’m convinced this is happening because I’ll never get to live out my life long dream of becoming the president of this country.
…and pass a law that ensures your car automatically explodes when you don’t use turn signals properly.
Tomorrow: follow up to this whole review mess, an explanation of my return to this space(and why I don’t want to talk about it), and my “sent mail” anxiety.
-tony
the confidence of silence