as of lately...
ok an update of things lately...this past week has been a whirl wind for me. final packing and wrapping things up. on friday i spent it with my sister cathy and my nephews. at 4 i saw my mom off to wurk. gave her a big hug and told her to cum visit me. she started gettn upset. what else did i expect from my mother? i know she cares and worries bout me. i hung out at my sis's house...i visited with my dog there and an old friend...the cat bigfoot...hes this large long-haired orange cat that i always luved. very affectioanate. i had brought monster mash-my cat. i had tried to find a home for him, with no succuess. so my sis offered to take him, whas one more cat?...i felt soooo bad, he was horrified there. all the dogs and other cats around. he roamed the house for a bit and then i grabbed him and he wouldnt leave my lap. i felt guilty. eventually i put him outside wher he would b staying. he was scared. i jus hadta leave him and go inside and let him wander. towards the end of the evening we went for dinner, jus the 4 of us. went for mexican, then we went for ice cream. stuffed. but oo so good. aiden was wearing more of his ice cream than was eating it!! a few showers roled by leaving a moist ground and sum lightning strikes. there were new fires on the mountainside. it was awesum. it was gettn dark so i dropped them back home. we all sat out on the front for a bit as it was cooled off and the kids played. it was soo cute watching them and hearing their laughter. seeing how cieran is protective of baby aiden. it melted my heart. i luv those boys. i admire my sister for being a mother. sumtimes i think she must b proud of what shes created, her sons. it was 10 pm and gettn late, i still hadta pack up sum things so i hadta leave. i hugged and hugged cieran. he wouldnt let me go. hes gettn sooo big, almost tooo heavy for me to pik up. as i held him i told him i luved him and that i would cum visit soon and for him to tell his mom to pack him and his borther up in the car and take a drive to see me. he gotta big smile and sed ok ill tell her. i hugged and kissed aiden, but he more interested in his toy. hes soo young he wont remember me. hes jus barely sayn "aunt ams" now. its soo cute. then i hugged my sister and she started crying...omg no...i told her oo stop ur crying. i didnt want to there. i told her id call her and plan a visit sumtime soon. and for her to cum see me...its really not that far away!...so i left and got home. first thing i did was look for monster...'o ya hes not here.' i felt empty. the room felt empty. i continued packing things. and i cried. and cried. i hadta say goodbyes and let things go and it hurt. it was difficult. and i hadnt talked to paul in 2 days. that was my fault. i hadnt called. my sorrows prolly wouldnt have been dragged out if i had jus picked up the phone and called him. but ima dumbass and didnt. until friday nite. b 4 i did tho, my roomie chris came in and was talkn to me. he was sayn how hes plannin on moving to salt lake next april, that this wasnt his home, that SL felt right for him. that statement hit me. cuz it struck me tru. it struck me hard. ive always known this hasnt been my home in utah. ive just never known wher. but what i do know is that when im with paul, it feels like home. it feels right. truth has a way of slapping u in the face. and u cant deny it. i felt that jus then. and i cried again when he left. lotsa emotions built up inside and they jus flowed and released that nite. paul and i hada good talk. it was needed. we also hada good talk thsi morning. its wunderful to have sumone to speak with openly, without judgement. he is a good friend. and i soo appreciate his patience with me and for listening. and now i am falling asleep. so i will end it here.