the downward spiral
so my birthday passed, i'm old. i graduated, i'm a pharm D. pretty cool, but it all felt very anticlimactic. i won an award at graduation, that was pretty cool. all these cool things are happening, so why have i been a total bitch the past few weeks? i'm treating john like total crap and he didnt do anything to deserve it. i'm always either pissed off or depressed or numb. why cant things just be easier? there are certain aspects of who i am and how i act that i just wish i could erase. it would make things so much easier for everyone if i could. i'm getting older, i need to sort out my shit. but i cant. i just want to be happy. i wish i could stop obsessing over things in my mind. i wish i had control over what i dream about at night. and i really want to stop abusing my family and john. i can be so horrible when i get like this i dont know how they can stand it. i can sense that i am getting very close to a line and i am pushing him away but i cant help it. i should really be preparing for the boards but i cant bring myself to do it. i need therapy. i need meds. i need to figure out who the fuck i am. i need to be alone. i need to be with people i love. i need to scream. i need to run away. i need fantasy. i need to escape. i dont know what the hell i need. but i guess no one does.
i keep thinking i should call my old therapist, but i'm hesitant cause its been 3 years and i doubt she will remember me. i dont even know if she is still seeing patients. i stopped going when i left for europe and never called her when i got back. and i keep thinking about old friends that i havent talked to in years, and friendships that i let lapse. how many people i must have let down. and it sucks. i was cleaning my room and found old letters from my best friend in high school. i havent spoken to her in years. i found pictures of my friends whom i havent seen or heard from and wondered how they were. i found pictures of Mr Mora. i started thinking of people who moved away when i was in grammar school. and about Sammy and Slim in florida. and Jon in Australia. now Aimee is moving to florida for an undetermined amount of time...and nick says he might stay down there for good with his family and i cant help but think that i'll never see them again either. and it kills me. but i guess its all my fault. i never call any of them. i'm a bad friend and this is exactly what i deserve. and i'm being a really bad girlfriend. i love him so much, but i've gotten so comfortable with him that i take everything out on him. and its wearing him down, i can see it. i need to change or i'm going to loose him. and i honestly think he's my soul mate and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. but i'm still a bitch. i dont know why.
so now i'm just gonna drive away the few people who can stand me. and when i'm all alone i'll have no one to blame but myself. i have a lot of people that i hang out with, but few who really know the true me. my mood swings. my temper. my constant struggle to figure out who i am and what i want in life. if i like girls or boys or both or no one at all. fuck it. fuck everything. i quit.
i keep thinking i should call my old therapist, but i'm hesitant cause its been 3 years and i doubt she will remember me. i dont even know if she is still seeing patients. i stopped going when i left for europe and never called her when i got back. and i keep thinking about old friends that i havent talked to in years, and friendships that i let lapse. how many people i must have let down. and it sucks. i was cleaning my room and found old letters from my best friend in high school. i havent spoken to her in years. i found pictures of my friends whom i havent seen or heard from and wondered how they were. i found pictures of Mr Mora. i started thinking of people who moved away when i was in grammar school. and about Sammy and Slim in florida. and Jon in Australia. now Aimee is moving to florida for an undetermined amount of time...and nick says he might stay down there for good with his family and i cant help but think that i'll never see them again either. and it kills me. but i guess its all my fault. i never call any of them. i'm a bad friend and this is exactly what i deserve. and i'm being a really bad girlfriend. i love him so much, but i've gotten so comfortable with him that i take everything out on him. and its wearing him down, i can see it. i need to change or i'm going to loose him. and i honestly think he's my soul mate and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. but i'm still a bitch. i dont know why.
so now i'm just gonna drive away the few people who can stand me. and when i'm all alone i'll have no one to blame but myself. i have a lot of people that i hang out with, but few who really know the true me. my mood swings. my temper. my constant struggle to figure out who i am and what i want in life. if i like girls or boys or both or no one at all. fuck it. fuck everything. i quit.