Grandma Guilt
Title: Grandma Guilt
Universe: Young Avengers
Rating: G
Summary: Grandma Kaplan’s coming for the holidays.
Kate had her PDA in hand, scrolling through the agenda and trying to ignore everyone’s bored looks. “Okay, Dad’s hauling us to the Alps for Christmas and I couldn’t talk him out of it, but I’ll be back in time for New Years,” She ignored Tommy as he leered and said something about a New Years Kiss, and she ignored Eli as he threw an empty soda can at Tommy.
“Teddy and I are gonna be pretty much out of commission until the 15th,” Billy said glumly. “I’m not sure how to tell her that I’m gay. No way am I dropping ‘I’m a super-hero’ on her, too.”
Everyone ignored Tommy and Eli as they kept trying to throw things at each other.
***
“Eli said I could stay with him and his grandparents,” Teddy said as Billy hunted for his key, “if things don’t go well.”
“I’m sure she’ll love you,” Billy said, opening the door. “I just hope she doesn’t guilt me about not bringing a girl to give her great-grandchildren.”
“I’m Jewish, Billy. We invented guilt.”
Billy let out a squeak, dropping his keys. He heard Teddy gulp audibly behind him. “Grandma Maggie! You’re early!”
“I got a ride with my friend Rose’s granddaughter. She’s got a sister your age. I think I should introduce you.” A tiny old woman with a face like a raisin and a cap of snowy curls struggled to get off the overstuffed couch a few moments before giving up. “Stop gaping and bring your friend over here so I can see him. My eyes, they aren’t what they used to be, you know.”
Billy shot Teddy an apologetic glance. He’d hoped they’d have another day to prepare for the reality of Grandma Maggie. The two boys approached the old woman, who pursed her thin lips and peered up at them. Her eyes were small, dark, and sharp. Teddy had the feeling that she missed very little. “Grandma Maggie, this is Teddy.”
“Teddy, Teddy, what’s that short for, Theodore or Edward?” Maggie asked.
“Theodore, ma’am,” Teddy said, shifting his weight.
The old woman nodded sharply. “Theodore. Good name. Billy, oldest grandson, son of the ungrateful wretch who has abandoned me in my old age, come here and give me a hug.”
“Yes, Grandma Maggie,” Billy said automatically, enveloping his grandmother in a hug. “We weren’t expecting you till tomorrow.”
“Life is full of unexpected things,” Maggie announced, planting a kiss on Billy’s cheek that left a bright pink smudge behind. “You’ve got to learn to roll with them. Me, everything is a surprise. It’s very Zen.”
“Yes, Grandma Maggie.”
“Sit, sit, I won’t be getting a crick in my old neck looking up at you two.”
Billy gave Teddy a helpless look and sank down onto the couch while Teddy perched on one of the chairs.
“So, my ungrateful son who has abandoned me in my old age tells me that your friend is living here…”
***
“Your grandma is something else,” Teddy whispered from his sleeping bag. They were camping out with Billy’s brothers until Grandma Maggie went home.
“She’s nuts,” Billy corrected. “I love her, but she’s nuts.”
“I think she’s kinda funny.”
“Just wait till she finds a way to start guilting you.”
***
Teddy woke up to an empty apartment. The Doctors Kaplan were at work, and Billy was taking his grandmother and brothers ice skating. Teddy had begged off, citing the fact that he had all the grace of a drunken elephant on the ice. So he was, for once, totally alone in the apartment.
The place was echoingly empty without the Kaplans to fill up the space with seemingly endless chatter. It’d always been so quiet with just him and Mom. It’d taken him forever to get used to the noise of the Kaplan household. He found himself missing it now.
He was pouring a glass of juice and contemplating making himself some breakfast when Maggie said, “So you’d be the green one, then.”
Both glass and juice carton hit the linoleum, and Teddy turned and looked down. “What-what are you doing back?”
The Maggie gave him a toothy smile. “I’m an old woman, Theodore. Not so good at keeping up with boys, and I tire so easily. So. You’re the green one. Hulkling.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, ma’am.” Teddy said.
“Please. I’m old, not stupid.” Maggie held up a hand. “Billy wasn’t even wearing a mask. When I was a girl, all proper mystery men wore masks.”
Teddy gaped down at the woman, who continued to smile at him. Like a shark, he thought.
“Oy vey… clean up your mess, Billy’s Boyfriend, then we talk.”
***
Billy burst into the apartment like he was being chased by the devil himself. “Grandma Maggie!?”
“You don’t have to shout, Billy. I haven’t gone deaf.”
“God, I was so worried about you! You just disappeared after the dweebs ran off!”
The aforementioned dweebs peered around their older brother, not even bothering to look innocent. Billy’s tirade was cut off when his grandmother held up two twenties, which his brothers quickly snapped up. “Good work, boys. Go get yourselves something unhealthy.”
“What,” Billy asked, “is going on here?”
“She knows,” Teddy said glumly.
“Knows… what?” Billy asked, his heart dropping into his stomach.
“Everything.”
“…oh.” Billy could see, but the look in his grandmother’s eye, that he was never going to hear the end of this.
Universe: Young Avengers
Rating: G
Summary: Grandma Kaplan’s coming for the holidays.
Kate had her PDA in hand, scrolling through the agenda and trying to ignore everyone’s bored looks. “Okay, Dad’s hauling us to the Alps for Christmas and I couldn’t talk him out of it, but I’ll be back in time for New Years,” She ignored Tommy as he leered and said something about a New Years Kiss, and she ignored Eli as he threw an empty soda can at Tommy.
“Teddy and I are gonna be pretty much out of commission until the 15th,” Billy said glumly. “I’m not sure how to tell her that I’m gay. No way am I dropping ‘I’m a super-hero’ on her, too.”
Everyone ignored Tommy and Eli as they kept trying to throw things at each other.
***
“Eli said I could stay with him and his grandparents,” Teddy said as Billy hunted for his key, “if things don’t go well.”
“I’m sure she’ll love you,” Billy said, opening the door. “I just hope she doesn’t guilt me about not bringing a girl to give her great-grandchildren.”
“I’m Jewish, Billy. We invented guilt.”
Billy let out a squeak, dropping his keys. He heard Teddy gulp audibly behind him. “Grandma Maggie! You’re early!”
“I got a ride with my friend Rose’s granddaughter. She’s got a sister your age. I think I should introduce you.” A tiny old woman with a face like a raisin and a cap of snowy curls struggled to get off the overstuffed couch a few moments before giving up. “Stop gaping and bring your friend over here so I can see him. My eyes, they aren’t what they used to be, you know.”
Billy shot Teddy an apologetic glance. He’d hoped they’d have another day to prepare for the reality of Grandma Maggie. The two boys approached the old woman, who pursed her thin lips and peered up at them. Her eyes were small, dark, and sharp. Teddy had the feeling that she missed very little. “Grandma Maggie, this is Teddy.”
“Teddy, Teddy, what’s that short for, Theodore or Edward?” Maggie asked.
“Theodore, ma’am,” Teddy said, shifting his weight.
The old woman nodded sharply. “Theodore. Good name. Billy, oldest grandson, son of the ungrateful wretch who has abandoned me in my old age, come here and give me a hug.”
“Yes, Grandma Maggie,” Billy said automatically, enveloping his grandmother in a hug. “We weren’t expecting you till tomorrow.”
“Life is full of unexpected things,” Maggie announced, planting a kiss on Billy’s cheek that left a bright pink smudge behind. “You’ve got to learn to roll with them. Me, everything is a surprise. It’s very Zen.”
“Yes, Grandma Maggie.”
“Sit, sit, I won’t be getting a crick in my old neck looking up at you two.”
Billy gave Teddy a helpless look and sank down onto the couch while Teddy perched on one of the chairs.
“So, my ungrateful son who has abandoned me in my old age tells me that your friend is living here…”
***
“Your grandma is something else,” Teddy whispered from his sleeping bag. They were camping out with Billy’s brothers until Grandma Maggie went home.
“She’s nuts,” Billy corrected. “I love her, but she’s nuts.”
“I think she’s kinda funny.”
“Just wait till she finds a way to start guilting you.”
***
Teddy woke up to an empty apartment. The Doctors Kaplan were at work, and Billy was taking his grandmother and brothers ice skating. Teddy had begged off, citing the fact that he had all the grace of a drunken elephant on the ice. So he was, for once, totally alone in the apartment.
The place was echoingly empty without the Kaplans to fill up the space with seemingly endless chatter. It’d always been so quiet with just him and Mom. It’d taken him forever to get used to the noise of the Kaplan household. He found himself missing it now.
He was pouring a glass of juice and contemplating making himself some breakfast when Maggie said, “So you’d be the green one, then.”
Both glass and juice carton hit the linoleum, and Teddy turned and looked down. “What-what are you doing back?”
The Maggie gave him a toothy smile. “I’m an old woman, Theodore. Not so good at keeping up with boys, and I tire so easily. So. You’re the green one. Hulkling.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, ma’am.” Teddy said.
“Please. I’m old, not stupid.” Maggie held up a hand. “Billy wasn’t even wearing a mask. When I was a girl, all proper mystery men wore masks.”
Teddy gaped down at the woman, who continued to smile at him. Like a shark, he thought.
“Oy vey… clean up your mess, Billy’s Boyfriend, then we talk.”
***
Billy burst into the apartment like he was being chased by the devil himself. “Grandma Maggie!?”
“You don’t have to shout, Billy. I haven’t gone deaf.”
“God, I was so worried about you! You just disappeared after the dweebs ran off!”
The aforementioned dweebs peered around their older brother, not even bothering to look innocent. Billy’s tirade was cut off when his grandmother held up two twenties, which his brothers quickly snapped up. “Good work, boys. Go get yourselves something unhealthy.”
“What,” Billy asked, “is going on here?”
“She knows,” Teddy said glumly.
“Knows… what?” Billy asked, his heart dropping into his stomach.
“Everything.”
“…oh.” Billy could see, but the look in his grandmother’s eye, that he was never going to hear the end of this.