been too long.
i haven't entered a entry online in a really long time.My life is going pretty good now. I am clean and in recovery. I have a wonderful sponser but i am still looking to get someone closer to my age or more spiritually inlne with me. I am in love. This ones the lasting kind.She is so amazing and smart. i love her to pieces. there is nothing about her i would change. thats how i know shes the one. Even hearing other people say that used to baffle me as well as make me cringe.
but today i have hopes of a family and a better life than i had ever thought possable for me.
Although some people don't think i should i am throwing the idea around of getting ssi. its for people like me that cnt hold a job. i am not incapable if getting a job or working its just i cant stand people and i get the fuck its even when i am on my meds. its a pattern i have yet to break. TOmorrow i ave an interview, i hope i get this job....i desperatly need a job. I moved into my gf's apartment in Ann Arbor. my interviews at a restruant not far from where we live. i kinda hope its for waitress b/c i think i'll make mad cash at a busy steak house with my personalitiy. i never tried to be a waitress before b/c without the right meds i am pyscho and quick to fly off the handle at petty bullshit. So i think i am ready to try it now.for the first time in ...ever since i've been dignoised as bipolar i am on medicine for the depression as well as the manic. i recently reaized i have been manic for the last couple years. i am much more calm now and not as all over the place and unpredictable on a daily basis. I had some reservations that were going to cause me to relapse again...but i stayed the night at an old friends hosue friend and finally got to the root of all my problems with staying clean. and that was my awareness was killing me. i know too much. i have been spiritualy broken and just neglecting myself any chance of getting my shit togetehr bc i know too much. well now i feel like i can and i know i will get that year clean. like shannon pointed out to me i dont have to keep it...i just gotta meet my goal and get it. but the reality is by the time i get a year clean i hope ill have comitments and relationships in the fellowship that will keep me from wanting to return to that miserable lifesytle.
i havent cut in a really long time. this is the time of year when i usually flip the fuck out and try to kill myself,run away or use. i get seasonal depression added to my already depressed mind and i just go down until i crash. i dont even feel like its going to be as big as of an issue this year. i have a wonderful gf to keep me from isolating and the fellowship as well as my higher power to keep my spirits up. AGAPE is coming up in feb. and i cant wait...its been like a really longtime since i've been. today i have hopes and dreams that i see myelf acutally getting to obtain.
i am bored with this already...so i will try to make a habit if doing some inventory so here goes...
Am i clean today? yes i am
How have i acted differently? i cleaned instead of sleeping all day. I left the room when my gfs friend that smokes pot came over.
did my disease run my life today? no
What did I do today that i wish i had not done? ate a little too much and bought cigarettes with my last 10 dollars
What have i left undone that i wish i had done? i didnt call and see if theray was approved for me
Was i good to myself today? yes
how? i took my meds and cleaned and didnt sit online all day
was today a good day? yes
was i happy? yes
was i serene? yeah
did i talk to my sponser today? no...but i myspaced her
did i attend a meeting today? no
did i share my experineces, strenghts and hopes? yes
who are the people in my life i trust today? my mom, my sponser, shannon,chrissy, courntey and more in recovery
who has trust in me today? chrissy,courtney, joy, shannon and my sponser i hope
did i read fron our literature today? yes
what steps did i consciously work? 1,2,3,9,10,11,12
did i admit my powerlessnes today? yes
was i able to put my trust in my higher power today? yes
what did i learn about myself today?that i dont worry about my appearnace as much as i used to and i amgaining accecptance of the weight im gaining
did i make any amends today? yes, courntey asked if i used too many dryer sheets b/c shes been itchy and i said i have and i said i was sorry
do i owe any? yes to my sponser for not calling
did i admit faut to anyone today? yes i already explained it
did i worry about yesterday or tomorrow? a lil about tomorrow but not so much
can i accept myself today as i am? im working on it but for the most part yes
did i feel like i was a part of humanity today? yes
did i allow myself to become obsessed by anything today? no
what has God given me to be grateful for today? the strengh to follow his will
have i done anything to cause harm to myself or to another today? no
am i willing to change today? yes
did i pray or meditate today? no
how did this affect my life? i
what spiritual princiles have i been able to practice in my life today?
was the most important thing in my life today staying clean? yes
have i given of myself today without expecting anything in return? yes
was there fear in my life today? yes,, i was afarid that i will end up takin some of courtneys pills or that i wont get this job
did i feel intense joy orpain? no
did i call or visit someone in the program today? yes
did i pray for the wellbeing of anohter today?yes
was i happy today? yes
have i been peaceful today? yes
did i consiously remeber that i have a choice today? YES
but today i have hopes of a family and a better life than i had ever thought possable for me.
Although some people don't think i should i am throwing the idea around of getting ssi. its for people like me that cnt hold a job. i am not incapable if getting a job or working its just i cant stand people and i get the fuck its even when i am on my meds. its a pattern i have yet to break. TOmorrow i ave an interview, i hope i get this job....i desperatly need a job. I moved into my gf's apartment in Ann Arbor. my interviews at a restruant not far from where we live. i kinda hope its for waitress b/c i think i'll make mad cash at a busy steak house with my personalitiy. i never tried to be a waitress before b/c without the right meds i am pyscho and quick to fly off the handle at petty bullshit. So i think i am ready to try it now.for the first time in ...ever since i've been dignoised as bipolar i am on medicine for the depression as well as the manic. i recently reaized i have been manic for the last couple years. i am much more calm now and not as all over the place and unpredictable on a daily basis. I had some reservations that were going to cause me to relapse again...but i stayed the night at an old friends hosue friend and finally got to the root of all my problems with staying clean. and that was my awareness was killing me. i know too much. i have been spiritualy broken and just neglecting myself any chance of getting my shit togetehr bc i know too much. well now i feel like i can and i know i will get that year clean. like shannon pointed out to me i dont have to keep it...i just gotta meet my goal and get it. but the reality is by the time i get a year clean i hope ill have comitments and relationships in the fellowship that will keep me from wanting to return to that miserable lifesytle.
i havent cut in a really long time. this is the time of year when i usually flip the fuck out and try to kill myself,run away or use. i get seasonal depression added to my already depressed mind and i just go down until i crash. i dont even feel like its going to be as big as of an issue this year. i have a wonderful gf to keep me from isolating and the fellowship as well as my higher power to keep my spirits up. AGAPE is coming up in feb. and i cant wait...its been like a really longtime since i've been. today i have hopes and dreams that i see myelf acutally getting to obtain.
i am bored with this already...so i will try to make a habit if doing some inventory so here goes...
Am i clean today? yes i am
How have i acted differently? i cleaned instead of sleeping all day. I left the room when my gfs friend that smokes pot came over.
did my disease run my life today? no
What did I do today that i wish i had not done? ate a little too much and bought cigarettes with my last 10 dollars
What have i left undone that i wish i had done? i didnt call and see if theray was approved for me
Was i good to myself today? yes
how? i took my meds and cleaned and didnt sit online all day
was today a good day? yes
was i happy? yes
was i serene? yeah
did i talk to my sponser today? no...but i myspaced her
did i attend a meeting today? no
did i share my experineces, strenghts and hopes? yes
who are the people in my life i trust today? my mom, my sponser, shannon,chrissy, courntey and more in recovery
who has trust in me today? chrissy,courtney, joy, shannon and my sponser i hope
did i read fron our literature today? yes
what steps did i consciously work? 1,2,3,9,10,11,12
did i admit my powerlessnes today? yes
was i able to put my trust in my higher power today? yes
what did i learn about myself today?that i dont worry about my appearnace as much as i used to and i amgaining accecptance of the weight im gaining
did i make any amends today? yes, courntey asked if i used too many dryer sheets b/c shes been itchy and i said i have and i said i was sorry
do i owe any? yes to my sponser for not calling
did i admit faut to anyone today? yes i already explained it
did i worry about yesterday or tomorrow? a lil about tomorrow but not so much
can i accept myself today as i am? im working on it but for the most part yes
did i feel like i was a part of humanity today? yes
did i allow myself to become obsessed by anything today? no
what has God given me to be grateful for today? the strengh to follow his will
have i done anything to cause harm to myself or to another today? no
am i willing to change today? yes
did i pray or meditate today? no
how did this affect my life? i
what spiritual princiles have i been able to practice in my life today?
was the most important thing in my life today staying clean? yes
have i given of myself today without expecting anything in return? yes
was there fear in my life today? yes,, i was afarid that i will end up takin some of courtneys pills or that i wont get this job
did i feel intense joy orpain? no
did i call or visit someone in the program today? yes
did i pray for the wellbeing of anohter today?yes
was i happy today? yes
have i been peaceful today? yes
did i consiously remeber that i have a choice today? YES