dont post often enough...
not like anyone reads this, all for the better i suppose.
i've been listening to Bright Eyes and Ani Difranco non-stop lately. makes me happily depressed. i've found myself never capitalizing letters, especially the letter i, when i'm referring to myself, is this a self-esteem thing? i've been looking for god, seems he's absent. i'd like to think that i mean something to someone, but it’s difficult when the foundation isn’t very large, though i would like to build on it. i've been looking for a woman like her for what seems like my life; maybe more as i told her with a teary eye, she is amazing. i wish you (and by you i mean anyone who reads this) knew how genuinely gorgeous she is. so honest, full of life, not in that bubbly blonde teen bullshit way, just, passion. i can sense a passion inside of her, though she doesn’t show it very often, which is a good thing... i know how being honest with emotions can be. how harsh it is. though the unamazing part is i'm a terrible person. when i met her, when i fell for her, i knew she had a boyfriend. i knew his name. i think it would have felt less like i was robbing another person if i didn’t know his name. i feel when we attach a name to something, anything, we give it more qualities than it deserves. that is to say, when a name is attached to anything, it takes on certain humanistic qualities that more moral people would appreciate, if you see a cat on the side of the road for example, dead, the average person might think "oh well", but if it was your neighbors cat or even your own, "Zero" we'll call him, you start to feel for the cat, the owner, or yourself obviously, dependant upon who the cat called family, or visa versa.
am i making any sense?
no... good.
but what i'm saying is, it feels like...with his name known, it hurts me to know i could possibly take away from him what seems like the only thing that would make me happy right now. no, that’s too negative, i know there are plenty of things that make and could possibly make me happy, she just feels good. amazing. no pressure to be anything special. no pressure to look good, talk smart or dumb things down, act like i'm a know-it-all about anything, i am myself when i'm around her. never have i felt more comfort in my arms. all her decision now. i don’t want to lose her though. i hate to think she and i will eventually be "Just friends", because as often as it feels like that happens, it has always felt right. i don’t think her and i as "just friends" would feel right. i adore her. i want to learn more about her.
she is me with an angelic face. she is me with skin like white velour. she is me, i mean shit she knows just as much, if not more, about friggin zombie movies than me, how rad is that?
i only wish there were someone i could talk to about all this. my two closest friends have no clue what’s going on, i mean Ari, i tell her vague details, what a phrase "vague details", but supposedly she cant keep up with all my "girlfriends". since this girl, there has been no one else. i've tried, i mean really tried, but i find no interest in anyone else. its been about three months now, only about a week or two since we've both acknowledged that we care for each other, but in the three months of "secret crushing" i really haven’t been able to click with anyone else.
fuck. i'm doomed. haha. i'm the titanic. i was cast into the sea, the most majestic ship to sail, with only one path, only one destiny...failure.
and i don’t want to guilt trip her. and i don’t want to scare her off either. i want to know her 2 and a half years ago, before ........yeah.
i suppose life is suppose to be this way, i mean, it IS this way, so obviously it's what’s meant to be. jesus i sound like a high school kid. seriously, i've got a school boy crush; i mean damn, i get butterflies when she calls. BUTTERFLIES! how long has that been... am i in love with the idea of being in love?
no, i don’t think so. i'm almost sure, though i'm not sure of anything. because love isn’t really on my mind so much as knowing her, being for her. love is great; the potential is really there i can say that for sure, but its one thing i don’t even feel the need to press.
and that’s another thing, i haven't really felt........like "stickin it" to her, ya know what i mean? of course not, there's no one there. fuck. not that she’s not sexy, lord no, she is, i just don’t feel like that’s on my top 5 "to do" list with her... it'd be great, but i dunno, i just feel like she's something more than that.
i was thinking about it today, and i realized, i would give up just about everything for her. not everything like my life or my comics, lord no, but like drinking or smoking pot (which i've been really not doing as much lately anyway). i just feel like she’s the kind of woman i want to be good for. like she is the reason i'm so moral. why i believe in god, but not god god.
god, what am i saying. forget god. god is a child in a small room with a box that warms him with a blue flame. god is innocence. the highest power there is to find in this universe is purity. enough.
so i wait. patiently. she said she has LJ, but i don’t dare ask. i don’t think i want to know what her man thinks of me. i feel bad enough. but i don’t. its a confusing feeling. envious i think is the best word.
she makes me feel alive. but i don’t want to hold her back. fuck. if i lose this, i give up on women. that is to say, no more mr. nice guy, literally. i'll become that asshole everyone knows, that guy that somehow gets all the chicks but treats them like shit. i promise to become everything i hate. or not. i think i'm just feeling bitter. this morality and respect i seem to enjoy so much has gotten me nothing but used and this broken heart, that is, until now. i guess she is my symbol of hope. my second chance... i don’t want a love of my life, i want my soul mate. this life is too small to worry about petty shit like what brand i'm wearing or what show is on next, this life is too fucking amazing to just find beauty in a flickering box, this idiot box. (get off the tangent). i want to know if she is the one. but how?
she said i look like a Ben. my grandfather's name was Ben. everyone says i look just like him. i can’t fucking believe it. i want to scream out at how amazing that is, but my insides hold me down. and i'm glad, because everyone would stare.
that’s a lot of shit to read. why i wrote it all? therapy. no one will read it most likely. maybe she will, hopefully not. hopefully i'll forget this is here for another few months, and move on with life.
move on. i dread hearing that. i want her to do what is best for her. not anyone else. i would love to end up in her arms, but if by chance i don’t, i can live with it. i can live with being second best. haha, i love second place. first to lose. that’s me.
"please forgive, what i have done, but you cant stay mad, at the setting sun, because we all get tired, i mean eventually"-bright eyes...
i've been listening to Bright Eyes and Ani Difranco non-stop lately. makes me happily depressed. i've found myself never capitalizing letters, especially the letter i, when i'm referring to myself, is this a self-esteem thing? i've been looking for god, seems he's absent. i'd like to think that i mean something to someone, but it’s difficult when the foundation isn’t very large, though i would like to build on it. i've been looking for a woman like her for what seems like my life; maybe more as i told her with a teary eye, she is amazing. i wish you (and by you i mean anyone who reads this) knew how genuinely gorgeous she is. so honest, full of life, not in that bubbly blonde teen bullshit way, just, passion. i can sense a passion inside of her, though she doesn’t show it very often, which is a good thing... i know how being honest with emotions can be. how harsh it is. though the unamazing part is i'm a terrible person. when i met her, when i fell for her, i knew she had a boyfriend. i knew his name. i think it would have felt less like i was robbing another person if i didn’t know his name. i feel when we attach a name to something, anything, we give it more qualities than it deserves. that is to say, when a name is attached to anything, it takes on certain humanistic qualities that more moral people would appreciate, if you see a cat on the side of the road for example, dead, the average person might think "oh well", but if it was your neighbors cat or even your own, "Zero" we'll call him, you start to feel for the cat, the owner, or yourself obviously, dependant upon who the cat called family, or visa versa.
am i making any sense?
no... good.
but what i'm saying is, it feels like...with his name known, it hurts me to know i could possibly take away from him what seems like the only thing that would make me happy right now. no, that’s too negative, i know there are plenty of things that make and could possibly make me happy, she just feels good. amazing. no pressure to be anything special. no pressure to look good, talk smart or dumb things down, act like i'm a know-it-all about anything, i am myself when i'm around her. never have i felt more comfort in my arms. all her decision now. i don’t want to lose her though. i hate to think she and i will eventually be "Just friends", because as often as it feels like that happens, it has always felt right. i don’t think her and i as "just friends" would feel right. i adore her. i want to learn more about her.
she is me with an angelic face. she is me with skin like white velour. she is me, i mean shit she knows just as much, if not more, about friggin zombie movies than me, how rad is that?
i only wish there were someone i could talk to about all this. my two closest friends have no clue what’s going on, i mean Ari, i tell her vague details, what a phrase "vague details", but supposedly she cant keep up with all my "girlfriends". since this girl, there has been no one else. i've tried, i mean really tried, but i find no interest in anyone else. its been about three months now, only about a week or two since we've both acknowledged that we care for each other, but in the three months of "secret crushing" i really haven’t been able to click with anyone else.
fuck. i'm doomed. haha. i'm the titanic. i was cast into the sea, the most majestic ship to sail, with only one path, only one destiny...failure.
and i don’t want to guilt trip her. and i don’t want to scare her off either. i want to know her 2 and a half years ago, before ........yeah.
i suppose life is suppose to be this way, i mean, it IS this way, so obviously it's what’s meant to be. jesus i sound like a high school kid. seriously, i've got a school boy crush; i mean damn, i get butterflies when she calls. BUTTERFLIES! how long has that been... am i in love with the idea of being in love?
no, i don’t think so. i'm almost sure, though i'm not sure of anything. because love isn’t really on my mind so much as knowing her, being for her. love is great; the potential is really there i can say that for sure, but its one thing i don’t even feel the need to press.
and that’s another thing, i haven't really felt........like "stickin it" to her, ya know what i mean? of course not, there's no one there. fuck. not that she’s not sexy, lord no, she is, i just don’t feel like that’s on my top 5 "to do" list with her... it'd be great, but i dunno, i just feel like she's something more than that.
i was thinking about it today, and i realized, i would give up just about everything for her. not everything like my life or my comics, lord no, but like drinking or smoking pot (which i've been really not doing as much lately anyway). i just feel like she’s the kind of woman i want to be good for. like she is the reason i'm so moral. why i believe in god, but not god god.
god, what am i saying. forget god. god is a child in a small room with a box that warms him with a blue flame. god is innocence. the highest power there is to find in this universe is purity. enough.
so i wait. patiently. she said she has LJ, but i don’t dare ask. i don’t think i want to know what her man thinks of me. i feel bad enough. but i don’t. its a confusing feeling. envious i think is the best word.
she makes me feel alive. but i don’t want to hold her back. fuck. if i lose this, i give up on women. that is to say, no more mr. nice guy, literally. i'll become that asshole everyone knows, that guy that somehow gets all the chicks but treats them like shit. i promise to become everything i hate. or not. i think i'm just feeling bitter. this morality and respect i seem to enjoy so much has gotten me nothing but used and this broken heart, that is, until now. i guess she is my symbol of hope. my second chance... i don’t want a love of my life, i want my soul mate. this life is too small to worry about petty shit like what brand i'm wearing or what show is on next, this life is too fucking amazing to just find beauty in a flickering box, this idiot box. (get off the tangent). i want to know if she is the one. but how?
she said i look like a Ben. my grandfather's name was Ben. everyone says i look just like him. i can’t fucking believe it. i want to scream out at how amazing that is, but my insides hold me down. and i'm glad, because everyone would stare.
that’s a lot of shit to read. why i wrote it all? therapy. no one will read it most likely. maybe she will, hopefully not. hopefully i'll forget this is here for another few months, and move on with life.
move on. i dread hearing that. i want her to do what is best for her. not anyone else. i would love to end up in her arms, but if by chance i don’t, i can live with it. i can live with being second best. haha, i love second place. first to lose. that’s me.
"please forgive, what i have done, but you cant stay mad, at the setting sun, because we all get tired, i mean eventually"-bright eyes...