*Sigh*
My New Year's Eve/Day was okay, awesome, and bitter all at the same time. I went to Kansas City for the weekend. Allie, Erica, Brandon, and I spent the new year at Allie's place. We were some crazy people. We stopped by Taco Bell to get some dinner and party supplies. We hung out listened to rock music, an amused ourselves with Youtube videos..I know were so cool right? Then Stephen called Allie's house, bad idea when Brandon was right there... ha, ha, so we had an old school prank!...I laughed till my belly hurt. Then Brandon left, so Allie, Erica, and I did some catching up. Bitter-Sweet with that. I'll fill you in with better details later in the entry. Once the New Year started ringing in on the east coast, phone calls were being made. Heck Yes. I talked to Adrienne for good 2 hours within the night. Letha ended up joining our fun when it was Kansas City's time to ring in the new year. She stayed on with us pretty much till we all went to bed.
Then I got up around 10, got ready.. all that stuff. Ashlynn invited over to have breakfast with them. Brandon came shortly after she called (Allie and Brandon only live 15 mins apart) Brandon, Ash, and I hung out for a bit. I went outside and hung out with the boys. We came back inside to get ready to go over Ms. Betty's. We helped her take down Chirstmas stuff. Brandon and I went back inside and cudded downstairs, before heading up to see what everyone was doing. After Chris, Ashlynn. Betty, and Stephsnie finished a their last hand of cards we sat down to dinner. Ashlynn, Stephanie, Betty, Tonya, and I played phase 10 till 10:30. On the drive home Brandon was talking about Jerri, his old ex-girlfriend quiet a bit. The two of them dated back in 8th grade, nothing was ever serious.. and it became more of a friendship than anything. Brandon was explaining how she thought what he was doing in sports was awesome, but he said it with a bit too much like I didnt think as much as she did, which is bull I've always supported him. I asked if there was more of a feeling there between him and Jerri... if there was I wasnt going to get in his way. He areeged, yes. He explained to me that he was condering going back out with her. I told Brandon I wanted him to be happy and whatnot. I wasnt upset... no exchange of emotion was done. We stayed in his car, while I gave his class ring back, and that was it. I called his mom this morning to tell her what was said last night. She said the feeling were completelt faulse. The feeling Jerri had for Brandon was years ago, she was more or less engagged now with the Pastor's son. Stephanie had said she knows Brandon has feelings for me, those are above all in-tact or else he would not have done all of what he did this weekend. I agreed I had the same, and I always will. I told her I wanted this to be his choice, but she said give it time and not to worry. Somethings mentally going on with him, because he's now not only gave me a full-on lie of a story, but his family also. Hopefully things arent what they seem, but I can't stand to be without him......., he's everything to me.
The thing with Allie is this. I had her over 3 weeks ago or so, just because I wanted to have somone close hang out. I fell in a trap, things went back to the way I hated them. She plays the dramatic/something is wrong with me, and I dont know what card. I don't have patence for it. Anyway after she left, I complaned as usual to alot of people about not having patience and being just incredibly annoying. There are times that I look at her screen name and want nothing to do with Allie. I dont want to speak with her, nothing. I've tried many times before for several years to in a sense pull myself away from her. For the most part I do a really good job, and I'm a happy person, better because of it. After a few months things start all over. I have come to conclutions that because we share so many mutrual friends, that staying away from Allie is impossible. The cassuality of a hello, goodbye for Allie could be the hint of a close friendship to her, and thats what starts the thing over again. She's very sneaky in a sense, its an incredible sense of guilt I feel when I'm forced to ride the this damn rollercoaster with her. At the same time I rely on Allie to be there, even when I can be wrong to her or any situation. I can sit there and use her to be like "Yes, Cheryl... you're always right... screw the world." I'm using Allie and I know that, I always have. For the past 12 years I've never admitted that. I am very much like Allie, I know which people will tell me what I want to hear. I know Adrienne or any other friend would more or less tell me the truth. "You're Wrong...This is how you need to fix the situation." I am afraid like Allie, I am afraid of people telling me I'm wrong. I'm a fraid of bumping heads with someone I trust. Unlike Allie, I know I can say whatever the hell I want, and she'll be there. I dont know where to go from here. Its finding the effort inside me to take that step to just say not more this is it. I want to believe me. The frienship thats here, is unbelievbly unhealthy for her and I. I am finally starting to realize that.
Well. Thats all I need to say right now,
~Cheryl...<3
Then I got up around 10, got ready.. all that stuff. Ashlynn invited over to have breakfast with them. Brandon came shortly after she called (Allie and Brandon only live 15 mins apart) Brandon, Ash, and I hung out for a bit. I went outside and hung out with the boys. We came back inside to get ready to go over Ms. Betty's. We helped her take down Chirstmas stuff. Brandon and I went back inside and cudded downstairs, before heading up to see what everyone was doing. After Chris, Ashlynn. Betty, and Stephsnie finished a their last hand of cards we sat down to dinner. Ashlynn, Stephanie, Betty, Tonya, and I played phase 10 till 10:30. On the drive home Brandon was talking about Jerri, his old ex-girlfriend quiet a bit. The two of them dated back in 8th grade, nothing was ever serious.. and it became more of a friendship than anything. Brandon was explaining how she thought what he was doing in sports was awesome, but he said it with a bit too much like I didnt think as much as she did, which is bull I've always supported him. I asked if there was more of a feeling there between him and Jerri... if there was I wasnt going to get in his way. He areeged, yes. He explained to me that he was condering going back out with her. I told Brandon I wanted him to be happy and whatnot. I wasnt upset... no exchange of emotion was done. We stayed in his car, while I gave his class ring back, and that was it. I called his mom this morning to tell her what was said last night. She said the feeling were completelt faulse. The feeling Jerri had for Brandon was years ago, she was more or less engagged now with the Pastor's son. Stephanie had said she knows Brandon has feelings for me, those are above all in-tact or else he would not have done all of what he did this weekend. I agreed I had the same, and I always will. I told her I wanted this to be his choice, but she said give it time and not to worry. Somethings mentally going on with him, because he's now not only gave me a full-on lie of a story, but his family also. Hopefully things arent what they seem, but I can't stand to be without him......., he's everything to me.
The thing with Allie is this. I had her over 3 weeks ago or so, just because I wanted to have somone close hang out. I fell in a trap, things went back to the way I hated them. She plays the dramatic/something is wrong with me, and I dont know what card. I don't have patence for it. Anyway after she left, I complaned as usual to alot of people about not having patience and being just incredibly annoying. There are times that I look at her screen name and want nothing to do with Allie. I dont want to speak with her, nothing. I've tried many times before for several years to in a sense pull myself away from her. For the most part I do a really good job, and I'm a happy person, better because of it. After a few months things start all over. I have come to conclutions that because we share so many mutrual friends, that staying away from Allie is impossible. The cassuality of a hello, goodbye for Allie could be the hint of a close friendship to her, and thats what starts the thing over again. She's very sneaky in a sense, its an incredible sense of guilt I feel when I'm forced to ride the this damn rollercoaster with her. At the same time I rely on Allie to be there, even when I can be wrong to her or any situation. I can sit there and use her to be like "Yes, Cheryl... you're always right... screw the world." I'm using Allie and I know that, I always have. For the past 12 years I've never admitted that. I am very much like Allie, I know which people will tell me what I want to hear. I know Adrienne or any other friend would more or less tell me the truth. "You're Wrong...This is how you need to fix the situation." I am afraid like Allie, I am afraid of people telling me I'm wrong. I'm a fraid of bumping heads with someone I trust. Unlike Allie, I know I can say whatever the hell I want, and she'll be there. I dont know where to go from here. Its finding the effort inside me to take that step to just say not more this is it. I want to believe me. The frienship thats here, is unbelievbly unhealthy for her and I. I am finally starting to realize that.
Well. Thats all I need to say right now,
~Cheryl...<3