(no subject)
I havent finished an entry in this for a long time, simply because I cant find the time. For the few days I've not felt the greatest emotionally. I dont know what to do. The more I talk about what is bothering me, I just get even more fustrated with my life. I'm thankful to be here, don't get me wrong..I am just not sure as to how I want to live that life. When I was in New York, I felt so connected to people..I was happy. Not just for the basis of being with Adrienne but the freedom. but also, the responsibility I was given as well. If I wanted something to eat in the morning; I had to find it. If I wanted something at the store to eat it. I could buy it. I felt connected with people as well. I could make friends on my own terms, and it had nothing to do with my disability, because neither of the boys, Adrienne, or Hillary saw that way. I was just this waked out 20 year old from Missouri. No one constantly went "oh you poor baby.." here, baby let me help you. If I needed help, it was small and it came natural. No one constantly held shit back from me, the choices I made there in New York were mine. I was smart enough to know what I could handle. There was Adrienne who her usual asking "Are you sure, are you okay" That comes from years and years of comforting me when I'm sick and whatnot. I can't get out of my head how much I felt back in New York. I came back and saw Dr. Walker, and she said she was surprised I had made the choice to come back home.The more we talked about choices; it made me so angery and fustrated. If I had my way, I wouldn't be in Missouri. Adrie has known this for years, but because I need the certain things its not easy to move. I want so much to have what she has a roommate. I even want to spilt that rent. I would give anyone the same amount I do my parents and even more. I want to be able to have Public Transportation so that I could go to a job or go to school.
I feel more connected to those that live outside my own state. I'm sick of watching people ignore me just because they are afraid of what might happen if they invite me to hang out. I'm sick of watching people do things on their weekends, because I know if I was with Adrienne, Tracy, Amber, or any given person that I would be out. I talked to Charlotte yesterday. We were both so sick of being different; we want so bad to be the typical American. The one people don't always stare at or question. She asked me if I have ever really accepted my disability. I told her, I have always had a positive atitude about the hand I've been dealt, because I believe in the fact that you can't make someone believe that its okay to ineract with someone who has a different unless you think its okay. Yeah, I still believe that whol heartditly..but at this point in my life, for some reason I can't help but hate the way I am. I count my blessings every night, even now, How can I be expected to accept something I didn't ever want to begin with.
It didnt help to find out today that I would lose all my benefits if I move out. I expect to lose some, because its one step into the world. There are no indpendant living places as far as what I want. If I were to stay (home, or somewhere near it) theres nowhere I could go.) There's stuff in on the KCK side, and other cities. I have foundstuff outside of Missouri to be in Rochester, I could attend Monroe CC and get Public Trans for those with disabilities. I would need a roomate. The problem with here is I'm not really aware of people who would introduce me to roomate. I could always talk to Morris, but that would involve moving to Kansas, which is a definite possibly. It is still a an equal compremize. I can still have that friend and Stephanie could always introduce me to other friends. I'm just sick, depressed, and cant take it.
On the happy side, I spent a wonderful hour talking to Tali today. I love music conversations...thats the type of friendship I wish I had here. Tali finished her song, and I felt like it was for me...well, it was...kinda. which made me feel so great. I love her so very much. When I'm down thinking all of this compounded thought, she's always there with something to say it will be okay. Just like the song. As I'm starting to cry because I miss everyone but especially Tali, Adrie, and Morris...because they;ve been here everyday making sure Imake it through these days of hell. Every tear I cry, is a symbol of how much you mean to me. LOVE you Tali. You've always, wanted a Journal entry...now you do and for good reason.
I miss the life I want.
~Cheryl
I feel more connected to those that live outside my own state. I'm sick of watching people ignore me just because they are afraid of what might happen if they invite me to hang out. I'm sick of watching people do things on their weekends, because I know if I was with Adrienne, Tracy, Amber, or any given person that I would be out. I talked to Charlotte yesterday. We were both so sick of being different; we want so bad to be the typical American. The one people don't always stare at or question. She asked me if I have ever really accepted my disability. I told her, I have always had a positive atitude about the hand I've been dealt, because I believe in the fact that you can't make someone believe that its okay to ineract with someone who has a different unless you think its okay. Yeah, I still believe that whol heartditly..but at this point in my life, for some reason I can't help but hate the way I am. I count my blessings every night, even now, How can I be expected to accept something I didn't ever want to begin with.
It didnt help to find out today that I would lose all my benefits if I move out. I expect to lose some, because its one step into the world. There are no indpendant living places as far as what I want. If I were to stay (home, or somewhere near it) theres nowhere I could go.) There's stuff in on the KCK side, and other cities. I have foundstuff outside of Missouri to be in Rochester, I could attend Monroe CC and get Public Trans for those with disabilities. I would need a roomate. The problem with here is I'm not really aware of people who would introduce me to roomate. I could always talk to Morris, but that would involve moving to Kansas, which is a definite possibly. It is still a an equal compremize. I can still have that friend and Stephanie could always introduce me to other friends. I'm just sick, depressed, and cant take it.
On the happy side, I spent a wonderful hour talking to Tali today. I love music conversations...thats the type of friendship I wish I had here. Tali finished her song, and I felt like it was for me...well, it was...kinda. which made me feel so great. I love her so very much. When I'm down thinking all of this compounded thought, she's always there with something to say it will be okay. Just like the song. As I'm starting to cry because I miss everyone but especially Tali, Adrie, and Morris...because they;ve been here everyday making sure Imake it through these days of hell. Every tear I cry, is a symbol of how much you mean to me. LOVE you Tali. You've always, wanted a Journal entry...now you do and for good reason.
I miss the life I want.
~Cheryl