utterly alone
below is an email i wrote to a professor friend of mine. this situation is so unbelievable that i can't write it again.
Beth,
Can we talk on the phone some time soon? I only ask b/c the amount of shit i am dealing with down here on a personal level is utterly amazing.
Patrick broke up me with back in May, after almost two and a half years. As you can imagine, I was destroyed. He refused to go to counseling or anything else to save what we had nurtured together. He just gave up.
Obviously, with Patrick gone, there went Buddy. So I spent the summer without my best friend, my lover and my dog. A dog who was very loyal and who loved me.
Before I met Patrick, I was truly ignorant. I had always been lonely in a sense, but never had I felt alone. The last 5 months my entire view of the world collapsed. Perhaps too much power to give the ending of a relationship, but that’s what I’ve been feeling. This sense of isolation. Alone.
Flash forward to last night. Patrick and I had been communicating - rarely - over the last 5 months. We even went out to dinner and shopping a couple of times. But he would never give me a reason for why he broke it off. I assumed it was because he was still trying to deal with not being completely out. I was naïve.
2 weeks ago, Patrick updated his twitter page saying he had medical problems. Obviously, I was concerned. I texted/emailed telling him if he wanted to talk about it I would be there. I got no response, which is highly unusual.
The surgery was Friday, so last night I stopped by his apartment to see how he was doing.
His coworker travis answered the door with no shirt on. Buddy was there. So was Travis’s dalmation. I asked Travis to talk to Patrick. He left, came back and said Patrick was in bed and was pretty out of it b/c of the drugs. I had brought a football to give Patrick, and I gave it to Travis, asking him to give it to Patrick. And I left. Despite all my impulses to create chaos, I left.
I don’t know travis very well, but there had been signs that him and Patrick were getting close. But Patrick reassured me - as recently as my birthday at the end of july - that there was no one else.
I trusted him, b/c that’s what you do in a relationship.
I feel so betrayed. It is good I found out this way, b/c it gives me closure and a reason why, that I deserved to know even if Patrick wouldn’t give it to me.
I am not writing this for sympathy, just trying to reach out at a time that I am facing what feels to me like a tsunami of emotions.
I don’t want to feel that opening up to someone is always an inherent danger. But it seems like it is and I let my guard down too much for someone who was truly generous and kind (or at least I thought so) as Patrick. For god sake, he surprised me with a homemade thanksgiving dinner last year when I had to work the holiday.
Beth,
Can we talk on the phone some time soon? I only ask b/c the amount of shit i am dealing with down here on a personal level is utterly amazing.
Patrick broke up me with back in May, after almost two and a half years. As you can imagine, I was destroyed. He refused to go to counseling or anything else to save what we had nurtured together. He just gave up.
Obviously, with Patrick gone, there went Buddy. So I spent the summer without my best friend, my lover and my dog. A dog who was very loyal and who loved me.
Before I met Patrick, I was truly ignorant. I had always been lonely in a sense, but never had I felt alone. The last 5 months my entire view of the world collapsed. Perhaps too much power to give the ending of a relationship, but that’s what I’ve been feeling. This sense of isolation. Alone.
Flash forward to last night. Patrick and I had been communicating - rarely - over the last 5 months. We even went out to dinner and shopping a couple of times. But he would never give me a reason for why he broke it off. I assumed it was because he was still trying to deal with not being completely out. I was naïve.
2 weeks ago, Patrick updated his twitter page saying he had medical problems. Obviously, I was concerned. I texted/emailed telling him if he wanted to talk about it I would be there. I got no response, which is highly unusual.
The surgery was Friday, so last night I stopped by his apartment to see how he was doing.
His coworker travis answered the door with no shirt on. Buddy was there. So was Travis’s dalmation. I asked Travis to talk to Patrick. He left, came back and said Patrick was in bed and was pretty out of it b/c of the drugs. I had brought a football to give Patrick, and I gave it to Travis, asking him to give it to Patrick. And I left. Despite all my impulses to create chaos, I left.
I don’t know travis very well, but there had been signs that him and Patrick were getting close. But Patrick reassured me - as recently as my birthday at the end of july - that there was no one else.
I trusted him, b/c that’s what you do in a relationship.
I feel so betrayed. It is good I found out this way, b/c it gives me closure and a reason why, that I deserved to know even if Patrick wouldn’t give it to me.
I am not writing this for sympathy, just trying to reach out at a time that I am facing what feels to me like a tsunami of emotions.
I don’t want to feel that opening up to someone is always an inherent danger. But it seems like it is and I let my guard down too much for someone who was truly generous and kind (or at least I thought so) as Patrick. For god sake, he surprised me with a homemade thanksgiving dinner last year when I had to work the holiday.