Trouble on the 51
Driving home is always something of an interesting event. There are a few hundred cars traveling in one direction as fast as they can to get home and do something, anything. My guess is to watch the boob tube. But regardlessly they go one direction as fast as they can and hit the breaks often. I'm just glad I'm not going the other way of the 51 because it is bumper to bumper and people are going as fast as they can and hitting their breaks every few feet.
This evening was very interesting. As I got onto the 51, I had to take a leak. As I hit the dreamy draw, 10 mintes from where I entered the freeway, I had to piss a river. At first it was a pinch and a shove, just to fight back waters that could come. Five miles later, I was jumping up in my seat grabbing myself looking for a rubber band to really pinch off the need to piss.
Then the worst thing that could ever happen, happens. All I see is a sea of red. Every car is slowing down from where I am to the offramp to the I-10. There was nothing but a solid blocking red lights that waved for four miles. My exit seemed like a memory of Atlantis, something did exist but I would never see it again.
Soon it looked like I was James Brown dancing in a car. The pressure was so great I wasn't sure what was going to bust my head, or my pecker. It was getting bad. I was sure I was going to have to use my jacket to cover myself as I got out of my car to cover the piss that I couldn't hold anylonger.
I was yelling at the cars in-front of me to go faster. I would say a pit of fire was building but it was already drowned out by the piss that I had to take.
I began to eye the 64 oz cup that was sitting on the floor of my car. It could work, I mean, they did something similar in Dumb and Dumber. I began to go for it, but then thought how stupid it would be to do it. I debated this for the next mile or so.
I looked up and saw that it was another 2 miles to the off ramp to the I-10 and that would mean another three to my exit. OR I hit the upcoming exit that was coming up, find a fast food joint and use the can there. The first one, I'll get something quick and then use the can.
First up, Dairy Queen, I wouldn't mind getting sundae, it has been a few months since I've had one. I pull in, go to the lobby, remember that I don't have my wallet and run back to the car, grab the wallet and then order. "Anything else?" I ask if they have a restroom. "No, we don't."
FUCK!
I run back to the car, remembering that there is a Jack in the Box a few blocks away. They have to have a toilet. I hope that they have a toilet. Oh please god, let there be a toilet there.
I get behind a car that has a hard time determining when to go when traffic is clear. It could be that or I was impatient to the point where I would risk a hit and run with a crowd of nuns walking blind and deaf children just to take a piss. The car moves out and sit in the median, trying to figure out where it can do forward to drive, unfortunately the same direction as I'm heading. I'm still in the Dairy Queen parking lot. I look to the left and I look the right. I whisper a silent wish to my car, that it will be swift and hit the gas peddle and turn the car in the direction that I need to go, with a sundae in my hand, a sever need to take a piss. I pass by the other car with ease.
I have some hope that it is still there waiting to find a hole.
I driving like I'm either drunk, going to get laid, or about ready to kill someone. I weave between cars with grace. All the while preparing to tell a cop that I have to take the worst piss in recorded and unrecorded history. If Homer was still alive her would tell of this battle with myself as a great epic.
Jack in the Box! I turn in lock the car. begin to run to the doors. I'm sweating from the concentration of holding back this piss. I run inside people look at me in a odd manner. I must have looked like I was in there to kill someone. a quick glance around the lobby which was surprisingly smaller than my old studio apartment, and I find the can.
Fuck. Locked. Double fuck. Have to piss.
I run to the counter and place an order for two tacos, and the key to the bathroom. I see the buttons to the side of the register, one marked "Men" and the other marked "Women." I nearly jumped at the buttons and hit them. "One oh eight." I hand her a dollar and dig in my pocket for change. I give her the change she gives me the receipt and I RUN to the toilet.
The one thought that did cross my mind was, this better not be a drip piss, or I'm going to be very angry. I enter the bathroom, and "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." That was better than sex. It was the perfect ending to a book, a song that makes you melt with happiness. This was the best piss I or any other human on the face of this earth has ever taken.
I wash up. Get my tacos. Drive home. Notice that I'm glowing. The world is right, even if the Cubs fucking lost.
Oh yeah, I started dating someone.
This evening was very interesting. As I got onto the 51, I had to take a leak. As I hit the dreamy draw, 10 mintes from where I entered the freeway, I had to piss a river. At first it was a pinch and a shove, just to fight back waters that could come. Five miles later, I was jumping up in my seat grabbing myself looking for a rubber band to really pinch off the need to piss.
Then the worst thing that could ever happen, happens. All I see is a sea of red. Every car is slowing down from where I am to the offramp to the I-10. There was nothing but a solid blocking red lights that waved for four miles. My exit seemed like a memory of Atlantis, something did exist but I would never see it again.
Soon it looked like I was James Brown dancing in a car. The pressure was so great I wasn't sure what was going to bust my head, or my pecker. It was getting bad. I was sure I was going to have to use my jacket to cover myself as I got out of my car to cover the piss that I couldn't hold anylonger.
I was yelling at the cars in-front of me to go faster. I would say a pit of fire was building but it was already drowned out by the piss that I had to take.
I began to eye the 64 oz cup that was sitting on the floor of my car. It could work, I mean, they did something similar in Dumb and Dumber. I began to go for it, but then thought how stupid it would be to do it. I debated this for the next mile or so.
I looked up and saw that it was another 2 miles to the off ramp to the I-10 and that would mean another three to my exit. OR I hit the upcoming exit that was coming up, find a fast food joint and use the can there. The first one, I'll get something quick and then use the can.
First up, Dairy Queen, I wouldn't mind getting sundae, it has been a few months since I've had one. I pull in, go to the lobby, remember that I don't have my wallet and run back to the car, grab the wallet and then order. "Anything else?" I ask if they have a restroom. "No, we don't."
FUCK!
I run back to the car, remembering that there is a Jack in the Box a few blocks away. They have to have a toilet. I hope that they have a toilet. Oh please god, let there be a toilet there.
I get behind a car that has a hard time determining when to go when traffic is clear. It could be that or I was impatient to the point where I would risk a hit and run with a crowd of nuns walking blind and deaf children just to take a piss. The car moves out and sit in the median, trying to figure out where it can do forward to drive, unfortunately the same direction as I'm heading. I'm still in the Dairy Queen parking lot. I look to the left and I look the right. I whisper a silent wish to my car, that it will be swift and hit the gas peddle and turn the car in the direction that I need to go, with a sundae in my hand, a sever need to take a piss. I pass by the other car with ease.
I have some hope that it is still there waiting to find a hole.
I driving like I'm either drunk, going to get laid, or about ready to kill someone. I weave between cars with grace. All the while preparing to tell a cop that I have to take the worst piss in recorded and unrecorded history. If Homer was still alive her would tell of this battle with myself as a great epic.
Jack in the Box! I turn in lock the car. begin to run to the doors. I'm sweating from the concentration of holding back this piss. I run inside people look at me in a odd manner. I must have looked like I was in there to kill someone. a quick glance around the lobby which was surprisingly smaller than my old studio apartment, and I find the can.
Fuck. Locked. Double fuck. Have to piss.
I run to the counter and place an order for two tacos, and the key to the bathroom. I see the buttons to the side of the register, one marked "Men" and the other marked "Women." I nearly jumped at the buttons and hit them. "One oh eight." I hand her a dollar and dig in my pocket for change. I give her the change she gives me the receipt and I RUN to the toilet.
The one thought that did cross my mind was, this better not be a drip piss, or I'm going to be very angry. I enter the bathroom, and "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." That was better than sex. It was the perfect ending to a book, a song that makes you melt with happiness. This was the best piss I or any other human on the face of this earth has ever taken.
I wash up. Get my tacos. Drive home. Notice that I'm glowing. The world is right, even if the Cubs fucking lost.
Oh yeah, I started dating someone.