I'm Losing My Frikkin Mind
Chicken soup is supposed to make you feel better. But it's actually making me feel worse. Which sucks because it's really good, homemade too, with big juicy chunks of chicken and vegetables. The zucchini tastes like buttery corn. It's delicious. But my brain hurts.
I thought getting drunk because "It's been awhile on a weekday" was a good enough reason.
~ * ~
I stared into BCBG while passing by slowly wondering if I should go in to look for my sister's dress. But all I saw were racks and racks of dresses and I was at the moment - pressed for time. I thought shit, I don't want to have to go into a woman's store, scour through the aisles, ask for assistance with my "what-may-have-appeared-to-be" male companion - not that he looks gay, but c'mon, two guys walk into a BCBG...
Anyway, it was a rushed thought that resulted in me turning away swiftly for my next destination which was an ATM.
I tell ya the strangest BofA ATM ever. I circled it once thinking, WTF kinda ATM is this. It was huge. Had a vault drop box. And a door with a peep hole. The screen was dark, I thought maybe if I touch it, it'll light up. Sure enough, I tap the screen and it lights up. Asking me to insert my card. I do. It gives me an error. I wasn't surprised because I usually get all dyslexic when the diagrams show you how to insert a card. Gawd imagine if sex had instructions. So I pop in that sucker certain that it was correct and it tells me that it is an invalid card. I thought oh shit, I got demagged. Crap I gotta go through all this crap just to get a new card. WTF kinda ATM is this!? Then I take a step back look at it and blurt.
"This isn't a fuckin ATM."
"How do you know?" My friend says.
"Well where the hell is the money supposed to come out from?"
Sure enough, there was no cash dispenser. No envelopes, nothing. I had no time, so I thought, fuckit, I'm out of here. I'll never know what that mysterious BofA box was.
When we got to The Parlor, it had been revealed that we didn't have to be there so early. WTF Sheila. It was barely 9:30. I don't get out of bed to go out until 10:00. BOO! So my friend and I were hanging out on the patio when we were toast jacked and buffalo'd by these two asian girls. Which is fine. So we toasted them and turned around, uninterested, back to our drinks, when the little butterfaced one, who was dressed like she was from 1999. Babydoll top, flared bottoms and big white shoes wtf, asked for our names. I was caught off guard. I found myself in a reverse two set - and not that I panicked, but couldn't believe what was happening.
And this is why I'm an asshole.
There's a reason why we chose The Parlor. In a place known for beautiful blondes and bronze latin women, the two fuckin asian girls manage to turn on their eastern radar and ping us. COME ON. It was bad enough the "big" one was all pissy and shit because neither of us showed interest. She was as engaging as a freshly shat out rat on a spork. If she removed that bitch stick from her hermetically sealed cauterized cunt she'd be a little more delightful. The little one was cool. She randomly spoke to me in Korean, which she is not, and managed to say to me,
"I am a second degree black belt in tae kwon do."
OWTF.
She was about half my size, but prolly could hand my ass back, chopped into little schezwan pieces. We went into the "Which Asian Are You" game. I took a (to be honest) random guess without even trying and managed to peg an ethnicity that did not sit well with their panda expressions. Seriously. You Chinese people can be so damn ethnocentric. You too you Japanese folk. Gat dammit, who am I to say, my people are worse. Anyway. I really wasn't committed to the conversation so I started teetering. The little one noticed that their game was falling apart because fat girl was bitchotaging it, so she suggested we do a round of drinks. Ok sure. Why not. Luckily Katie, the server brought zen back into my restless heart served us up some good easies and the girls broke, slowly luring Katie away from me. Something was going on.
The bitches left us with half the bill. Which makes sense and is alright. But gat dangit don't order a round if you're not going to pay for it. What school of bar knocks did you flunk out of? Either way I was relieved to be rid of those two finks. I saw them working their asian fetish magic with the white boys where it's better served anyway. But poor Katie was confused with the bar tab. We both walked downstairs together so I could handle what was left when we started talking. She thought we were done for the night and she was supposed to be off an hour ago when she blurted.
"So where are we going?"
I told her I was staying here a bit longer with my friends. She replied with a bit oddly, I signed my tab and walked away.
Wait what?
Did she just? Did I just? I mean, was that, was I supposed to...OMG Hawaiian Tropic Dumb and Dumber moment #2!!!
Realizing I had turned down the hot blonde server I wanted to drown my sorrows. And drown I did. And WTF is up with the free pour ratio here in LA. Some places are awesome, some places suck, but apparently, if you have tits and are remotely attractive you get the bottle. Well Sheila is way more than remotely (she's actually disgustingly hot sometimes), but still, you get the idea. Vodka tonics all around, but she orders one and gets kettle one and ice.
We bounced to Holly's where it was Tuskan Raider night. I had to pee like a race horse, and went straight for the bathroom when a girl walks up, full slur in effect and says,
"Hey, can you get some coke?"
And where I so swiftly reply, "If we make out I might remember."
Without hesitation she pins me to the wall and we go at it.
When we're done I tell her.
"No."
SHUT UP. I was drunk.
I thought getting drunk because "It's been awhile on a weekday" was a good enough reason.
~ * ~
I stared into BCBG while passing by slowly wondering if I should go in to look for my sister's dress. But all I saw were racks and racks of dresses and I was at the moment - pressed for time. I thought shit, I don't want to have to go into a woman's store, scour through the aisles, ask for assistance with my "what-may-have-appeared-to-be" male companion - not that he looks gay, but c'mon, two guys walk into a BCBG...
Anyway, it was a rushed thought that resulted in me turning away swiftly for my next destination which was an ATM.
I tell ya the strangest BofA ATM ever. I circled it once thinking, WTF kinda ATM is this. It was huge. Had a vault drop box. And a door with a peep hole. The screen was dark, I thought maybe if I touch it, it'll light up. Sure enough, I tap the screen and it lights up. Asking me to insert my card. I do. It gives me an error. I wasn't surprised because I usually get all dyslexic when the diagrams show you how to insert a card. Gawd imagine if sex had instructions. So I pop in that sucker certain that it was correct and it tells me that it is an invalid card. I thought oh shit, I got demagged. Crap I gotta go through all this crap just to get a new card. WTF kinda ATM is this!? Then I take a step back look at it and blurt.
"This isn't a fuckin ATM."
"How do you know?" My friend says.
"Well where the hell is the money supposed to come out from?"
Sure enough, there was no cash dispenser. No envelopes, nothing. I had no time, so I thought, fuckit, I'm out of here. I'll never know what that mysterious BofA box was.
When we got to The Parlor, it had been revealed that we didn't have to be there so early. WTF Sheila. It was barely 9:30. I don't get out of bed to go out until 10:00. BOO! So my friend and I were hanging out on the patio when we were toast jacked and buffalo'd by these two asian girls. Which is fine. So we toasted them and turned around, uninterested, back to our drinks, when the little butterfaced one, who was dressed like she was from 1999. Babydoll top, flared bottoms and big white shoes wtf, asked for our names. I was caught off guard. I found myself in a reverse two set - and not that I panicked, but couldn't believe what was happening.
And this is why I'm an asshole.
There's a reason why we chose The Parlor. In a place known for beautiful blondes and bronze latin women, the two fuckin asian girls manage to turn on their eastern radar and ping us. COME ON. It was bad enough the "big" one was all pissy and shit because neither of us showed interest. She was as engaging as a freshly shat out rat on a spork. If she removed that bitch stick from her hermetically sealed cauterized cunt she'd be a little more delightful. The little one was cool. She randomly spoke to me in Korean, which she is not, and managed to say to me,
"I am a second degree black belt in tae kwon do."
OWTF.
She was about half my size, but prolly could hand my ass back, chopped into little schezwan pieces. We went into the "Which Asian Are You" game. I took a (to be honest) random guess without even trying and managed to peg an ethnicity that did not sit well with their panda expressions. Seriously. You Chinese people can be so damn ethnocentric. You too you Japanese folk. Gat dammit, who am I to say, my people are worse. Anyway. I really wasn't committed to the conversation so I started teetering. The little one noticed that their game was falling apart because fat girl was bitchotaging it, so she suggested we do a round of drinks. Ok sure. Why not. Luckily Katie, the server brought zen back into my restless heart served us up some good easies and the girls broke, slowly luring Katie away from me. Something was going on.
The bitches left us with half the bill. Which makes sense and is alright. But gat dangit don't order a round if you're not going to pay for it. What school of bar knocks did you flunk out of? Either way I was relieved to be rid of those two finks. I saw them working their asian fetish magic with the white boys where it's better served anyway. But poor Katie was confused with the bar tab. We both walked downstairs together so I could handle what was left when we started talking. She thought we were done for the night and she was supposed to be off an hour ago when she blurted.
"So where are we going?"
I told her I was staying here a bit longer with my friends. She replied with a bit oddly, I signed my tab and walked away.
Wait what?
Did she just? Did I just? I mean, was that, was I supposed to...OMG Hawaiian Tropic Dumb and Dumber moment #2!!!
Realizing I had turned down the hot blonde server I wanted to drown my sorrows. And drown I did. And WTF is up with the free pour ratio here in LA. Some places are awesome, some places suck, but apparently, if you have tits and are remotely attractive you get the bottle. Well Sheila is way more than remotely (she's actually disgustingly hot sometimes), but still, you get the idea. Vodka tonics all around, but she orders one and gets kettle one and ice.
We bounced to Holly's where it was Tuskan Raider night. I had to pee like a race horse, and went straight for the bathroom when a girl walks up, full slur in effect and says,
"Hey, can you get some coke?"
And where I so swiftly reply, "If we make out I might remember."
Without hesitation she pins me to the wall and we go at it.
When we're done I tell her.
"No."
SHUT UP. I was drunk.