Get excited my friends
I stayed up until 6:00 last night. I know that to some of you that's no big deal, but I was pretty darn excited. And I slept until 4:45 this morning and have been awake since then. I am meeting my small group girls at 7:30, so since I haven't been able to stay up for that long, I may have to take a nap here soon. But I"m feeling grateful and reflective so I figured I should go with it and write something.
Well, so I"m back, in America, in Texas for I don't know how much longer. I hate coming back from overseas b/c I never want to be here. And it's especially difficult coming back from Russia b/c that's where my heart is. There is something that comes alive in me when I'm there that doesn't happen anywhere else I've ever been or done. And I also realized that short term missions is not for me; I'm all about the long term and I see how important the lt is. I feel bad when I see people b/c they ask me if I'm glad to be back and I'm honest and tell them that I'm not, so I've kind of been avoiding, not really avoiding but not exactly trying to spend time with people. But that's also b/c of my weird sleeping patterns. And then I just want to be around people that really want to hear about my trip and my heart and my struggles-not the people that just want to hear it was great. That's hard when that's all some people want to hear. Yeah and I'm not looking forward to school at all. Not really even a little bit and I was that way last fall. And my student/friend/little sister I never had, Lera, is super-sad and depressed about me not being there. She cries several times a day/daily. I call her my sad little rain cloud b/c she's also really pessimistic and has no hope. I've tried to talk to her about what she believes about God and she basically told me it was none of my business. But that puts immense pain in my heart knowing how much she is suffering and there's nothing I can really do about it. And I may feel some of the same things she is but I have hope in Jesus; I know the God of all comfort and she doesn't and I can't just make her believe. :sigh: But things will get better. And she does at least kind of understand why she feels the way she does-it's b/c she loves me and misses me. I actually, yay for me, told her that I loved her (not something I do easily) and she told it back to me. I think that's been huge in our friendship.
Anyways, so with all of that. The Lord has wow, really blessed me and just shown me, through others, that He loves me. And that He listens to me. And that He cares about my heart. First of all, I got more sleep last night. Second, on the way to church this morning I asked Him to let me see just one person that I knew that knew I was gone for the summer. And wow. I saw my friend Caleb who I met last summer at ESI training, he went to China. So he kind of understands what I"m going through and he got all my e-mails. =) Third, I get a call from my mom and she puts me on speaker phone and tells me that she and Pat (my step-father) as really early graduation gift are giving me my mom's Mustang. And it was all my step-father's idea-he said that he was thinking that it's not good for me to have to drive my no a/c car around in all this heat and that my mom's too old for a Mustang. =) But what a huge blessing! And it's not anything anything I had been hoping for or feeling sorry for myself b/c my car is soo hot. It was just out of the blue. I'm still in shock. And I asked my mom if she was okay with it and if they were sure. Quite excited, but in shock. I totally don't deserve it at all. I only wish I was as generous as some of the people the Lord has put in my life are.
So wow. It's not easy being back but it's going to be okay. I know the Lord wants me here for this time. And I don't want to resist Him like I did before and resist being here.
"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." Jim Elliot
Well, so I"m back, in America, in Texas for I don't know how much longer. I hate coming back from overseas b/c I never want to be here. And it's especially difficult coming back from Russia b/c that's where my heart is. There is something that comes alive in me when I'm there that doesn't happen anywhere else I've ever been or done. And I also realized that short term missions is not for me; I'm all about the long term and I see how important the lt is. I feel bad when I see people b/c they ask me if I'm glad to be back and I'm honest and tell them that I'm not, so I've kind of been avoiding, not really avoiding but not exactly trying to spend time with people. But that's also b/c of my weird sleeping patterns. And then I just want to be around people that really want to hear about my trip and my heart and my struggles-not the people that just want to hear it was great. That's hard when that's all some people want to hear. Yeah and I'm not looking forward to school at all. Not really even a little bit and I was that way last fall. And my student/friend/little sister I never had, Lera, is super-sad and depressed about me not being there. She cries several times a day/daily. I call her my sad little rain cloud b/c she's also really pessimistic and has no hope. I've tried to talk to her about what she believes about God and she basically told me it was none of my business. But that puts immense pain in my heart knowing how much she is suffering and there's nothing I can really do about it. And I may feel some of the same things she is but I have hope in Jesus; I know the God of all comfort and she doesn't and I can't just make her believe. :sigh: But things will get better. And she does at least kind of understand why she feels the way she does-it's b/c she loves me and misses me. I actually, yay for me, told her that I loved her (not something I do easily) and she told it back to me. I think that's been huge in our friendship.
Anyways, so with all of that. The Lord has wow, really blessed me and just shown me, through others, that He loves me. And that He listens to me. And that He cares about my heart. First of all, I got more sleep last night. Second, on the way to church this morning I asked Him to let me see just one person that I knew that knew I was gone for the summer. And wow. I saw my friend Caleb who I met last summer at ESI training, he went to China. So he kind of understands what I"m going through and he got all my e-mails. =) Third, I get a call from my mom and she puts me on speaker phone and tells me that she and Pat (my step-father) as really early graduation gift are giving me my mom's Mustang. And it was all my step-father's idea-he said that he was thinking that it's not good for me to have to drive my no a/c car around in all this heat and that my mom's too old for a Mustang. =) But what a huge blessing! And it's not anything anything I had been hoping for or feeling sorry for myself b/c my car is soo hot. It was just out of the blue. I'm still in shock. And I asked my mom if she was okay with it and if they were sure. Quite excited, but in shock. I totally don't deserve it at all. I only wish I was as generous as some of the people the Lord has put in my life are.
So wow. It's not easy being back but it's going to be okay. I know the Lord wants me here for this time. And I don't want to resist Him like I did before and resist being here.
"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." Jim Elliot