...because we know there's only one animal which can never be buggered at all

[donnaimmaculata]

It's a bit late, because the horse-fuck wank has entertained the whole of LJ land for days and is dying down now, but I have only just come across the perfect comment on it. And it's never too late to throw in a bit of Pratchett.

You've got to sing this in a thin, shaky voice, preferably whilst dancing on a table with a mug of beer in your hand:

Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have this to say as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have a ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you will find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a stallion can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but more holes in your prick.
He's so well defended when curled in a ball,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

A seal is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Or capture a dove in the dove-cote, an' all,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You might try a fish when you dive in the pool,
Or a giraffe, if you climb on a stool,
Or even the captain of guards on the wall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett

My icon has never been so appropriate.