Some thing To Do
MAN O MAN DO I NEED SOMETHING TO DO. I NOW KNOW WHY I LOVED BEING ON SWIM TEAM SO MUCH. FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT EVERYTHING AND IT WAS SO GOOD JUST TO GET IT ALL OUT OF MY HEAD, BUT SINCE I DON'T HAVE A POOL BY ME AND I CAN'T DRIVE HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO THAT. I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO DO TO TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS.
ASHLEY CALLED ME TODAY. IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I AM TIRED, YET I CAN'T SLEEP, BUT AFTER TALKING FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES SHE TELLS ME SHE HAS SOMETHING TO ASK ME BUT NOT TO GET MAD. SHE TOLD ME THAT STEVE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH HER ON WEDNESDAY SO I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO ASK ME TO COME WITH LIKE SHE HAS BEFORE, BUT INSTEAD SHE WANTS TO USE ME AS AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE TO SEE HIM. HONESTLY I DON'T CARE IF SHE USED ME AS AN EXCUSE BUT IT WAS SO HELLA WEIRD BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER SINCE THURSDAY AND THEN OUT OF THE BLUE SHE CALLS ME AND ASKS ME THIS. I WAS KINDA UPSET BUT WE HAVE BOTH BEEN PRETTY BUSY SO I JUST BLEW IT OFF. SHE WANTS ME TO EITHER SPEND THE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE ON FRIDAY NIGHT OR COME HERE. I DON'T KNOW JUST BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO BE GOING ON THIS WEEKENED AND IF I AM GOING TO HAVE PEOPLE OVER OR NOT. PLUS, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE SPENDING TIME WITH MY PARENTS AND I KNOW WE ARE GOING TO GO OUT TO LUNCH TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE THEY OWE ME MACARONI GRILL SINCE THEY WENT THERE WHEN I WAS IN SAN FRANCISCO AND I HAVEN'T HAD IT IN LIKE THREE MONTHS AND THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I AM SO FREAKIN CONFUSED ON DAN RIGHT NOT TOO. I MEAN I MIGHT AS WELL JUST BE FRIENDS WITH HIM BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IS NOT BEING THE PERSON I KNOW. MAYBE THAT'S JUST ME, BUT IT'S WEIRD. WHEN MATT LLOYD WAS OVER AT HIS HOUSE AND THEY WERE DRINKING HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID TO MAKE HIM LIKE THAT. IT ALSO KINDA SEEMED LIKE HE WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS MATT OR SOMETHING BY TREATING ME LIKE CRAP, BUT WHATEVER. AND LATELY IT'S LIKE YEAH I WANNA SEE YOU, BUT NOT WITH MY FRIENDS THERE. BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM TOMORROW ON HIS BIRTHDAY, BUT HE DOESN'T REALLY SEEM LIKE HE WANTS ME THERE SO I AM NOT GOING TO GO. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY, NOT MINE.
LATELY I HAVE FELT LIKE CRAP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE MYSELF. I MEAN AFTER THINGS HAPPENED WITH ASHLEY I FELT LIKE SHIT FOR SOME STUFF I HAVE DONE. I MEAN I AM NOT PERFECT, NOT EVEN CLOSE, BUT I FEEL HORRIBLE. AND THEN THE NIGHT DAN WAS TRYING TO GET ME TO BE MAD AT HIM. HE WAS LIKE SCREAMING AT ME FOR STUFF I HAVE DONE TO HIM AND IT'S LIKE EVER SINCE THAT FIGHT ON THE PHONE WITH HIM I HAVE FELT SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT MYSELF AND I JUST HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I MEAN I USED TO THINK I WAS PRETTY CUTE... I AM NOT TRYING TO LIKE SEEM ALL INTO MYSELF BUT I DIDN'T THINK I WAS UGLY AND I DON'T THINK I AM HOT, JUST CUTE. I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT. AND THEN GOING WITH HOLLY TODAY TO WILD ISLAND I JUST FELT SO UGLY IN A BATHING SUIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I LIKE HAVING A BOY FRIEND SO MUCH. IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL THAT I KNOW THAT HE SEES SOMETHING IN ME LOOKS WISE BECAUSE THATS THE FIRST THING YOU SEE ABOUT A PERSON, BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. ALL MY GUY FRIENDS ARE LIKE YOUR BEAUTIFUL MIKAYLA, OKAY YOUR MY FRIENDS, ITS LIKE YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT.. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT ME THAT PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME AFTER TALKING TO ME. I MEAN AFTER THESE FIGHTS WITH MY FRIENDS I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I SEE IN MYSELF. I GUESS THAT HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH MY MIND FOR DAYS AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I CAN'T TALK TO DAN BECAUSE HE LIKES HELLO THEN GOODBYE THESE DAYS AND HE WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING.
ASHLEY CALLED ME TODAY. IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I AM TIRED, YET I CAN'T SLEEP, BUT AFTER TALKING FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES SHE TELLS ME SHE HAS SOMETHING TO ASK ME BUT NOT TO GET MAD. SHE TOLD ME THAT STEVE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH HER ON WEDNESDAY SO I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO ASK ME TO COME WITH LIKE SHE HAS BEFORE, BUT INSTEAD SHE WANTS TO USE ME AS AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE TO SEE HIM. HONESTLY I DON'T CARE IF SHE USED ME AS AN EXCUSE BUT IT WAS SO HELLA WEIRD BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER SINCE THURSDAY AND THEN OUT OF THE BLUE SHE CALLS ME AND ASKS ME THIS. I WAS KINDA UPSET BUT WE HAVE BOTH BEEN PRETTY BUSY SO I JUST BLEW IT OFF. SHE WANTS ME TO EITHER SPEND THE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE ON FRIDAY NIGHT OR COME HERE. I DON'T KNOW JUST BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO BE GOING ON THIS WEEKENED AND IF I AM GOING TO HAVE PEOPLE OVER OR NOT. PLUS, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE SPENDING TIME WITH MY PARENTS AND I KNOW WE ARE GOING TO GO OUT TO LUNCH TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE THEY OWE ME MACARONI GRILL SINCE THEY WENT THERE WHEN I WAS IN SAN FRANCISCO AND I HAVEN'T HAD IT IN LIKE THREE MONTHS AND THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I AM SO FREAKIN CONFUSED ON DAN RIGHT NOT TOO. I MEAN I MIGHT AS WELL JUST BE FRIENDS WITH HIM BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IS NOT BEING THE PERSON I KNOW. MAYBE THAT'S JUST ME, BUT IT'S WEIRD. WHEN MATT LLOYD WAS OVER AT HIS HOUSE AND THEY WERE DRINKING HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID TO MAKE HIM LIKE THAT. IT ALSO KINDA SEEMED LIKE HE WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS MATT OR SOMETHING BY TREATING ME LIKE CRAP, BUT WHATEVER. AND LATELY IT'S LIKE YEAH I WANNA SEE YOU, BUT NOT WITH MY FRIENDS THERE. BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM TOMORROW ON HIS BIRTHDAY, BUT HE DOESN'T REALLY SEEM LIKE HE WANTS ME THERE SO I AM NOT GOING TO GO. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY, NOT MINE.
LATELY I HAVE FELT LIKE CRAP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE MYSELF. I MEAN AFTER THINGS HAPPENED WITH ASHLEY I FELT LIKE SHIT FOR SOME STUFF I HAVE DONE. I MEAN I AM NOT PERFECT, NOT EVEN CLOSE, BUT I FEEL HORRIBLE. AND THEN THE NIGHT DAN WAS TRYING TO GET ME TO BE MAD AT HIM. HE WAS LIKE SCREAMING AT ME FOR STUFF I HAVE DONE TO HIM AND IT'S LIKE EVER SINCE THAT FIGHT ON THE PHONE WITH HIM I HAVE FELT SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT MYSELF AND I JUST HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I MEAN I USED TO THINK I WAS PRETTY CUTE... I AM NOT TRYING TO LIKE SEEM ALL INTO MYSELF BUT I DIDN'T THINK I WAS UGLY AND I DON'T THINK I AM HOT, JUST CUTE. I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT. AND THEN GOING WITH HOLLY TODAY TO WILD ISLAND I JUST FELT SO UGLY IN A BATHING SUIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I LIKE HAVING A BOY FRIEND SO MUCH. IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL THAT I KNOW THAT HE SEES SOMETHING IN ME LOOKS WISE BECAUSE THATS THE FIRST THING YOU SEE ABOUT A PERSON, BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. ALL MY GUY FRIENDS ARE LIKE YOUR BEAUTIFUL MIKAYLA, OKAY YOUR MY FRIENDS, ITS LIKE YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT.. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT ME THAT PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME AFTER TALKING TO ME. I MEAN AFTER THESE FIGHTS WITH MY FRIENDS I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I SEE IN MYSELF. I GUESS THAT HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH MY MIND FOR DAYS AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I CAN'T TALK TO DAN BECAUSE HE LIKES HELLO THEN GOODBYE THESE DAYS AND HE WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING.