disregaurd the rant (like u care anyways)
i cant deal with anymore. i was just coming to grips with my grandfathers death, then alexa shoots herself, the wake is today, there is no funeral because she is being cremated. i am all fucked up, it just hit me the other night that i am going to have to see my older brother, i just want to scream my fucking lungs out....and i have about 10 times this last week and the satisfaction is fleeting.....i have not had any motivation to do my school work, any of it, i have to go to class today which is going to suck because i am fucking dieing inside, all i want to do is break down and cry forever, which i have cried so fucking much i am tired of it......and it feels like no one really gives a shit, or its like "here we go again" but fuck everyone because it is so not fucking fair that i am stuck living....all i want is to be fucking dead, but im not suicidal, i just want my time to be done, im not going to fucking do anything because with my luck, and has been proven in the past it doesnt work for me, so i am fucking stuck here, i even give up trying that, how fucking sad that all i am is a fucking failure, total and utter failure.....im going to lose my 4.0 gpa in school because i just dont give a shit, but i do give a shit, but i dont and just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!! i am going fucking crazy in my head, the fucking thoughts wont stop, i dont feel like i can talk to anyone about them so i am blogging instead, like anyone will read or give a shit....i have tried to be supportive of friends lately because i need the extra fucking support and i dont fucking get it, so fuck them all and their fucking lives......i have to go to class, i have nothing to wear to the wake, and i am going to have a serious panic attack i can feel it already, its hard to breath, when i have been getting worked up lately i have been hyperventalating however the fuck its spelled and i have never done this prior to a few months ago, i dont know how i am going to pull myself together for school but i cant miss any because i am missing the week after next for my grandfathers funeral and i missed an english class last week when i found out alexa shot herself, and so even if i do nothing i at least need to be there, and i am a fucking wreck, i know i have one teacher that understands, but i dont know about the other two and oh my fucking god i am just a fucking wreck and i dont know what to fucking do, i think i might call my doctor today and see if he will give me an antidepresant without seeing me as i have no insurance because otherwise i am just gonna keep going down and i know where that leads. i just cant fucking take anything anymore, i mean 2 friends have threatened to playfully smack me and i am ready to stab them, i know its me and not the world but i hate everyone rightnow, i really need someone but i dont know how to ask and have someone look through my bull shit of "im fine, its tough, but time will help and im ok" because im not fucking ok IM NOT FUCKING OK but everyone believes me buys my bull shit so how do i stop bull shitting and make myself vulnerable, i cant so i am fucking screwed i dont know i am just a fucking wreck right now and i dont know how the hell to stay sane.....well i have to get ready for school......i would ask god for help to get through the day but you know what? there is nothing