Sleepover (Ensemble, Part 2 of 3)
Title: Sleepover
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Spoilers: Set in between "Business Trip" and "Frame Toby"
Word Count: 3,343
Rating: PG
Summary: Michael decides to have a sleepover at the office. Shenanigans ensue. (Part 2 of 3)
Author's Note: Ohhhh, you guys are all so awesome it almost causes me actual pain! Thanks for the great feedback on the first part. Did I ever tell you you're my heeeeroes?
ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Everyone sits inside in a circle.
MICHAEL
Okay. Truth or dare, goin’ on up in here. And I think that I will go first. And Iiii will ask - oh, who am I going to ask, who am I going to ask, honestly, it’s just such a hard decision -
DWIGHT looks desperately eager. So does KELLY. So does ANDY. Everyone else, not so much.
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
-Ummmm JIM.
DWIGHT
Damn it!!
JIM
Wow. It must be my lucky night.
MICHAEL
No kidding. So, Jimbo. Truth or dare? What’s it gonna be? Huh? Huh?
PAM
(under her breath to Jim, amused)
Yeah, what’s it gonna be?
JIM ponders.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
I like to think I’m a pretty daring guy. Occasionally, this results in things like … taping Dwight in a box, or getting attacked with pepper spray. That’s okay. I can handle it. It just comes with the territory.
But the idea of being dared to do something … by Michael. I dunno. Every daredevil has to draw the line somewhere.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
JIM
Truth.
MICHAEL
Truth! Sissyyyyy!
DWIGHT
Michael, I would have picked dare.
MICHAEL
Ugh, yeah, well, I dare you to put some clothes on, you big weirdo.
DWIGHT looks chagrined, moves around a little in some vain endeavour to show less skin. ANGELA throws him a glance that is not entirely disinterested from across the room where she sits next to Andy.
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
Okay, Jim. Truth. Truth truth truth truth. What would be a good - oh, I got it! Who would you- no. Scratch that. Ummm … ah! Yes! If you had only a jar of peanut butter and … a unicorn … okay, no. Umm. Uh. If Pam was dead, and you had to pick another woman to-
JIM
No.
MICHAEL
(chastised) Right. Um. Okay, then - ohoho, here’s a doozy for ya, totally groundbreaking: if you were stuck on a desert island, and you could only have one other person there with you for the rest of your life, and it had to be a person in this office, who would it be?
JIM
Pa-
MICHAEL
And it can’t be someone you’ve had sex with.
JIM
Well, that really narrows it down.
MICHAEL
Really?
JIM
No.
MICHAEL
Okay. Right. Ha. Well, who’s it gonna be?
JIM opens his mouth.
MICHAEL
And it has to be somebody older than you.
JIM opens his mouth.
MICHAEL
And a guy.
KELLY
Why a guy?
MICHAEL
Just - because, Kelly. Because.
KELLY
But what if he gets lonely? Like, for, you know?
MICHAEL
He’s not gonna-
KELLY
Because that’s all all guys want to do all the time. Seriously. All the time.
RYAN smirks.
ANDY shoots a miserable, sex-starved glance at ANGELA.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but that’s not really part of the-
KELLY
Would he have to turn gay?
MICHAEL
What?? No. No. There are things you can do. With coconuts, or volleyballs.
PAM
What is that even supposed to mean?
MICHAEL
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. I balked under pressure.
CREED
Don’t worry, Michael. I know just what you’re talking about. Coconuts.
MICHAEL
Sheesh. Okay. Well. Jim. Who would it be? A guy, from the office, who’s older, on a desert island with you. For the rest of your life. Who’d you choose?
JIM
(contemplates a minute, then-)
Stanley.
MICHAEL
Stanley? You serious?
JIM
Yup.
MICHAEL
But Stanley’s not even here.
JIM
I know.
MICHAEL
He’s just out - asleep. He’s sleeping at a slumber party. That’s so lame. Do you really want someone that lame to be your last link with all civilization?
JIM
Yes, I do.
MICHAEL
Why? When you could have-
PAM
Creed?
MICHAEL
--Yeah, Creed, I guess. Or Andy. Or, you know, someone else. Someone really super fun, and cool, and resourceful, who you’d never get bored with even if you were stuck on a desert island.
ANDY
Thank you much, Captain Scott!
MICHAEL
No, I don’t mean you, Andy. Not specifically.
JIM
Oh. You mean Joel McHale.
MICHAEL
What! No. No, not Joel McHale - although, he is magnificent. But I just meant -
(He pauses, disappointed.)
Is Stanley really your answer?
JIM
Stanley’s really my answer.
MICHAEL
Oookay. But he’ll probably just - sleep through it, while you’re getting attacked by wild boars. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
JIM
I thought this was a desert island.
MICHAEL
Deserted by everything but boars. The boars rule.
JIM
Huh. How ‘bout that.
DWIGHT
(to Jim)
You should’ve picked me. (He mimes violently stabbing something to death.) Boar Population: Zero.
JIM
Whoops. Okay. Dwight.
DWIGHT
Too late. You picked Stanley. Enjoy getting gored by a boar.
JIM
No, I mean, Dwight. Truth or dare?
Zoom in on DWIGHT. A moment of intensity.
DWIGHT
Fire.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Sure, I could have picked truth. Sure, I could have picked dare. I probably could have even picked double dare. I didn’t. You know why? Because those are for wusses. There is nothing in this world that Jim Halpert could dare me to do that I would not do. Nothing.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
JIM
Does that mean truth, or dare?
KELLY
It’s like the dariest dare there is.
JIM
Well, well, well.
DWIGHT
Bring it on. Just you try to defeat me at this game. What do you want me to do? Eat the contents of the entire vending machine? I’ll do it. Jump off the roof? I’ll do that, too. Won’t even break a sweat.
KEVIN
Well, yeah. You’re almost naked. It’s cold out.
DWIGHT
I don’t need any of your lip, Malone. Jim. Do it. Fire me.
JIM
I thought only Michael could do that.
DWIGHT
Ha ha, very cute, quit stalling.
JIM
Okay. I dare you-
DWIGHT
Fire me.
JIM
-fire you …
(He thinks. Suspense mounts.)
… to kiss me on the cheek.
Shocked silence.
DWIGHT
(baffled; horrified)
You’re joking.
JIM
Nope.
DWIGHT
You don’t really want me to do that. This is some kind of mind game.
JIM
No, it isn’t.
DWIGHT
It has to be.
JIM
Nope. I just want you to kiss me on the cheek, Dwight.
DWIGHT is flummoxed. Finally, he shoots an accusatory glance at OSCAR.
OSCAR
… what?
DWIGHT (voiceover)
I’ve kissed men before.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I have no problem with it. It’s only lips touching flesh. It’s no big deal. Men I have kissed: Oscar Martinez, on the day he came out to the office. People tend to overlook it. For some reason, Michael’s kiss was more memorable. But he wasn’t the only one who got in there. And frankly, it wasn’t completely unpleasant. Ask him. I don’t think he’ll have any complaints.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR stares at the camera in ‘… are you kidding me?’ silence.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Another man I have kissed: Mose. He sometimes appreciates a peck on the temple before he goes to bed. It’s not unusual. Just because certain issues prevent him from leaving the beet farm doesn’t mean he doesn’t crave the immediacy of human touch. Of course, there are other days when physical contact sends him into a violent frenzy. I’ve gotten good at telling which kinds of days are which. Had to. Otherwise, I’d probably be missing my right eye. If not my right eye, then my left eye.
(Beat.)
But Jim …
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
DWIGHT
I will get back to you on that.
JIM
So you forfeit.
DWIGHT
No. I’ll do it. Just … not right now.
JIM
Dwight, if you really feel uncomfortable-
DWIGHT
I’ll do it. Soon.
JIM
Okay. If you say so.
He tilts his head so that his cheek is on full, mocking display in Dwight’s direction. Dwight twitches a little.
MICHAEL
All right. This is just getting … weird. Okay. Moving on. Um.
ANDY
(jumps in)
Angela! I dare you to kiss me on the-
ANGELA
No.
KELLY is bouncing up and down eagerly, waving her hand in a ‘me me me!’ gesture.
MICHAEL
Fine. Kelly. You go.
KELLY
Yay! Thanks, Michael!
(Turns to Ryan, her expression turns suddenly, scarily intense)
Ryan-
RYAN
Uh-
KELLY
-how many girls did you hook up with while you were in New York?
MICHAEL
Ooh, good one.
RYAN
I don’t really think that’s anybody’s business.
OSCAR
I agree-
RYAN
Lots. Like, honestly, I lost count.
(Sensing The Wrath of Kelly)
But it’s okay. Because we were broken up then. And I was just trying to fill a lot of emptiness, because I missed you.
KELLY looks charmed. Ryan throws a sly ‘yeah, right’ glance at the camera when she’s not looking.
KELLY
But none of them were as pretty as me, right?
RYAN
(thoughtfully)
Ehhh-
PAM
(sensing conflict)
Okay, he answered the question. We should move on.
RYAN
Okay. Creed.
CREED
Sixty-three.
(Off everyone’s bewildered looks)
Or fifty-seven.
(Still getting confused glances)
Pass.
PHYLLIS
I’d like to go.
RYAN
‘kay, sure. Truth or dare?
PHYLLIS
Dare.
PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD
PHYLLIS
I like to get a little crazy sometimes.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
RYAN
Okay. Uh. I dare you to …
RYAN TALKING HEAD
RYAN
Honestly, I don’t really care about any of these people. I don’t care what their hopes and dreams are. I don’t care if they’re a truth person or a dare person. I left this all behind a long time ago. The fact that I’m back doesn’t mean that I’m back. But the secret to success? Not letting them know that. You’ve just gotta know how to play the game.
The kid, he knows how to play the game.
(Beat.)
That’s me. I’m the kid.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
RYAN
… kiss Jim on the cheek.
There’s a chorus of ‘ooh!’s and laughter. Ryan responds to the whole thing with a lot of fake charm and camaraderie, and sneaks a smarmy, triumphant look at the camera. PHYLLIS, meanwhile, goes over to Jim and gives him a big kiss on the cheek.
Cut to MICHAEL, who is watching the whole scene happily.
MICHAEL (voiceover)
See? This is everything that I dreamt it would be. So much love. So much togetherness. Everybody’s kissing each other. Swapping secrets. It’s like heaven. I think the babysitters would be proud. I think we have successfully lived in their image. I think that this is all the love in the whole world that anyone could ever need. Me, I don’t even need to look out of this office for … any of that. Because I’ve got the whole package, right inside these walls.
And sure, stuff got a little gay. But if there’s one thing Oscar has taught us, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with that.
Although the fact that Jim would go for Dwight when there were better alternatives - me, and, I dunno, Ryan - that’s kinda weird. Worrying, a little bit. But what can you do?
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
Everyone’s leaving the conference room. Jim and Pam are walking together.
PAM
You think he’s gonna do it?
JIM
God, I hope so.
PAM
Should I feel threatened, or something?
JIM
Pam. It’s Dwight. Come on.
PAM
So, yes.
JIM
Definitely.
PAM
So, what do we do now?
JIM
Go to bed?
PAM
(looks at clock)
It’s only six thirty.
JIM
Wow. It feels so much later.
PAM
No kidding.
(Realization really hitting)
We’re stuck here all night, aren’t we?
JIM
… yeah.
PAM
What do we do now?
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Everyone is gathered in the dark conference room, lying on the floor with blankets scattered around. They’re all facing the TV, which is currently playing Michael’s ‘With Or Without You’ Dunder Mifflin video from “Valentine’s Day.” Michael sits in a chair toward the front, watching proudly.
PAM
(whispering, to camera)
Dunder Mifflin Film Festival.
MICHAEL
Shhhh!
PAM makes a face at the camera.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(standing outside the conference room; inside, everyone is still watching. Keeping her voice low.)
You know what? I kinda do love it here. It’s here, you know?
She smiles, fond.
PAM (cont’d.)
… talk to me again once Michael’s woken me up in the middle of the night because he wants me to tuck him in.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Close up on the television - specifically, the last frames of the commercial from “Local Ad.”
MICHAEL (voiceover on TV)
Limitless paper in a paperless world.
Everyone ‘aww’s and applauds. Michael smiles happily. He steps forward, stands in front of the TV to address everyone. DWIGHT, meanwhile, dutifully hurries over to stop the tape, take it out of the VCR, etc.
MICHAEL
And so concludes our cinematic journey through history. Now, it’s time for-
Everyone begins to get up, grab their blankets and pillows, and head out.
MICHAEL
Wait - what - where are you going?
ANGELA
It’s after midnight.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
Do you know how many inappropriate, ridiculous videos have been made in this office over the past few years? Do you?
CUT TO VIDEO FOOTAGE of Michael and Dwight out in the parking lot, sporting sunglasses, drawn-on facial hair, and a single sheet of paper each taped over their - how to say this delicately? - underthings areas. Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake wouldn’t be proud, but maybe they’d be a little touched they at least made the effort.
MICHAEL
ONE - you cut a hole in the paper! TWO- you put your-
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA shudders violently.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
ANDY
Sorry, boss. Time to catch some z’s.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but, what. Who goes to bed at midnight at a sleepover? That’s against the rules.
JIM
A true sleepover has no rules.
MICHAEL
(liking the sound of that)
Yeah - yes - exactly!
JIM
And therefore, we are free to go to bed.
MICHAEL
Wait! No! Damn it, Jim.
Everyone keeps on leaving.
MICHAEL
(frustrated)
Gyahhh! Just - wait a minute.
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
Everyone is stepping out. ANGELA glares down at KEVIN’S bare feet, which the camera zooms down to get a close up of. CREED goes over to his desk and sits awkwardly down in his office chair. He’s still completely dressed, and has put on his coat, too.
CREED
Sleeping in the office? Kooky. That’s kooky.
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
The trick is to act like I’ve never done it before.
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
ANDY
Might I sing you a lullaby, fair lady?
ANGELA
Maybe. I need to brush my teeth first.
ANDY
That’s cool. I’ll wait. In fact, I’ll go get things set up for ya.
ANGELA goes into the kitchen. ANDY smiles after her, then heads off with a spring in his step.
INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN
ANGELA steps inside to find DWIGHT in there already. He sits at the table, head in his hands, tormented.
ANGELA
You can’t possibly do it.
DWIGHT
I have to, Monkey. I can’t back down. Not to Jim.
ANGELA
But it’s disgusting.
DWIGHT
Don’t you think I know that? But - augh! What choice do I have! It’s fire.
ANGELA
(lightly)
You seem frustrated.
DWIGHT
Of course I’m frus-
And then, he catches on. A slow smile begins to creep across his face. Angela returns it.
INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA
ANDY puts sheets on the inflatable mattress, which has now been blown up. He puts a blanket down, fluffs a pillow a couple of times and lays it down lovingly, humming to himself all the while.
INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN BUILDING - HALLWAY
SPY SHOT. We walk through the empty hallway to the stairwell door, which is slightly ajar. The door gets pushed open ever so slightly and sneakily to reveal-
DWIGHT and ANGELA, kissing passionately. Zoom in on Dwight’s fingers as they fumble with the buttons on Angela’s collar.
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
The lights have been turned off. Michael is standing in front of the door to his office, watching everybody in dismay as they settle down onto the floor. Jim and Pam are setting their sleeping bags down over in front of the reception desk. Phyllis is on her cell phone.
PHYLLIS
Goodnight, Bobby … No, you hang up first … no, you … no, you … no, you …
MICHAEL can’t take it anymore. He goes over, grabs the phone out of her hand, and presses some random buttons in a failed attempt to hang it up.
BOB VANCE, VANCE REFRIGERATION (on other line)
Hello?
MICHAEL
(throwing the phone down on Phyllis’s desk)
Enough. Enough of this. This, this is disgusting! This isn’t what tonight’s about!
PAM
You mean … going to sleep?
MICHAEL
Yes, I mean going to sleep! We can go to sleep any old night! In our beds, at our houses, alone, when we don’t have anyone to hang out with, or talk to. But this, this is our chance, people! Don’t you see that? This is our chance to pene-
JIM
Yeah, don’t say that again.
MICHAEL
The point is, aaaughhh, we need to connect. We need to share our souls. PAM!
(He whips around to face her)
What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you? Go on. Worst experience of your whole life. Enlighten us. Make us feel what you felt. Bind us to you with your tears. Make them become our tears, too.
PAM
Um.
MICHAEL
BIND US WITH YOUR TEARS.
PAM
Um, I failed one of my graphic design classes-
MICHAEL
Whaa, whaa, whaa. School. Grades. Who even cares about that, ever? Give me something better. Something real.
JIM
I’m pretty sure school’s real.
PAM
Um. When I was fourteen, we had to get our dog put down.
MICHAEL
Dogs! Bah! What are you, Angela?
PAM
It was really sad.
MICHAEL
I’m talking about real human tragedy here. Not tragedy with paws. RYAN. You’re someone who’s had some ups and downs. Some serious downs, my friend. Why don’t you tell us what it’s been like for you? You’ve been at rock bottom.
RYAN
(super-sincere; Lying McLiarFace)
Yeah, but I’m leaving that all behind me. Now I know what’s really important, and I’m starting over.
He SMILES at Kelly.
KELLY
Awww!
MICHAEL
Blech. Redeeming power of love. Stupid. Meredith, how ‘bout - hey, how about your hysterectomy? It’s been awhile since we talked about it. That must have been tough. To have to part from your uterus like that.
MEREDITH stares.
OSCAR
Michael, can you just let everyone go to bed? This is really-
MICHAEL
Oh! Yes! Jackpot! Ja-a-ackpot over here! I can’t believe I didn’t think of you earlier. Oscar. You must have gone through some really hard times. Coming to terms with being the way you are.
OSCAR
That’s really none of your-
MICHAEL
Oh, come on, ‘fess up. Ever had a secret romance? A secret romance gone wrong? That you had to hide from the eyes of society, because they just wouldn’t have gotten it? Where you maybe had to meet once, twice a year in seedy motel rooms? Ended badly? Lover died? Maybe got - I don’t know, beaten with a tire iron, or-
OSCAR
No, Michael, I have never lived Brokeback Mountain.
MICHAEL
But something like that, right?
OSCAR
(patience lost)
I got kissed by my boss. It was invasive and inappropriate, and if it hadn’t been for the three months’ paid vacation time and the company car, I doubt I would have ever come back.
MICHAEL stares, silenced. The whole room sinks into awkward silence for a moment. Then people start chattering again, getting into their sleeping bags, etc. MICHAEL stands there, looking hurt. Then he turns and slowly heads back to his office.
INT. OFFICE - MICHAEL’S OFFICE
Michael stretches his sleeping bag out on the floor, then crawls into it. He lies alone on his back, staring up at the ceiling. We can still hear some chattering from the main office. Pam laughs.
MICHAEL (voiceover)
I always thought that the rule of sleepovers was that no one wound up sleeping alone. But it’s like Jim said. Real sleepovers have no rules. And that’s how I like to live. No rules.
MICHAEL keeps staring sadly up at the ceiling.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Spoilers: Set in between "Business Trip" and "Frame Toby"
Word Count: 3,343
Rating: PG
Summary: Michael decides to have a sleepover at the office. Shenanigans ensue. (Part 2 of 3)
Author's Note: Ohhhh, you guys are all so awesome it almost causes me actual pain! Thanks for the great feedback on the first part. Did I ever tell you you're my heeeeroes?
ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Everyone sits inside in a circle.
MICHAEL
Okay. Truth or dare, goin’ on up in here. And I think that I will go first. And Iiii will ask - oh, who am I going to ask, who am I going to ask, honestly, it’s just such a hard decision -
DWIGHT looks desperately eager. So does KELLY. So does ANDY. Everyone else, not so much.
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
-Ummmm JIM.
DWIGHT
Damn it!!
JIM
Wow. It must be my lucky night.
MICHAEL
No kidding. So, Jimbo. Truth or dare? What’s it gonna be? Huh? Huh?
PAM
(under her breath to Jim, amused)
Yeah, what’s it gonna be?
JIM ponders.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
I like to think I’m a pretty daring guy. Occasionally, this results in things like … taping Dwight in a box, or getting attacked with pepper spray. That’s okay. I can handle it. It just comes with the territory.
But the idea of being dared to do something … by Michael. I dunno. Every daredevil has to draw the line somewhere.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
JIM
Truth.
MICHAEL
Truth! Sissyyyyy!
DWIGHT
Michael, I would have picked dare.
MICHAEL
Ugh, yeah, well, I dare you to put some clothes on, you big weirdo.
DWIGHT looks chagrined, moves around a little in some vain endeavour to show less skin. ANGELA throws him a glance that is not entirely disinterested from across the room where she sits next to Andy.
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
Okay, Jim. Truth. Truth truth truth truth. What would be a good - oh, I got it! Who would you- no. Scratch that. Ummm … ah! Yes! If you had only a jar of peanut butter and … a unicorn … okay, no. Umm. Uh. If Pam was dead, and you had to pick another woman to-
JIM
No.
MICHAEL
(chastised) Right. Um. Okay, then - ohoho, here’s a doozy for ya, totally groundbreaking: if you were stuck on a desert island, and you could only have one other person there with you for the rest of your life, and it had to be a person in this office, who would it be?
JIM
Pa-
MICHAEL
And it can’t be someone you’ve had sex with.
JIM
Well, that really narrows it down.
MICHAEL
Really?
JIM
No.
MICHAEL
Okay. Right. Ha. Well, who’s it gonna be?
JIM opens his mouth.
MICHAEL
And it has to be somebody older than you.
JIM opens his mouth.
MICHAEL
And a guy.
KELLY
Why a guy?
MICHAEL
Just - because, Kelly. Because.
KELLY
But what if he gets lonely? Like, for, you know?
MICHAEL
He’s not gonna-
KELLY
Because that’s all all guys want to do all the time. Seriously. All the time.
RYAN smirks.
ANDY shoots a miserable, sex-starved glance at ANGELA.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but that’s not really part of the-
KELLY
Would he have to turn gay?
MICHAEL
What?? No. No. There are things you can do. With coconuts, or volleyballs.
PAM
What is that even supposed to mean?
MICHAEL
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. I balked under pressure.
CREED
Don’t worry, Michael. I know just what you’re talking about. Coconuts.
MICHAEL
Sheesh. Okay. Well. Jim. Who would it be? A guy, from the office, who’s older, on a desert island with you. For the rest of your life. Who’d you choose?
JIM
(contemplates a minute, then-)
Stanley.
MICHAEL
Stanley? You serious?
JIM
Yup.
MICHAEL
But Stanley’s not even here.
JIM
I know.
MICHAEL
He’s just out - asleep. He’s sleeping at a slumber party. That’s so lame. Do you really want someone that lame to be your last link with all civilization?
JIM
Yes, I do.
MICHAEL
Why? When you could have-
PAM
Creed?
MICHAEL
--Yeah, Creed, I guess. Or Andy. Or, you know, someone else. Someone really super fun, and cool, and resourceful, who you’d never get bored with even if you were stuck on a desert island.
ANDY
Thank you much, Captain Scott!
MICHAEL
No, I don’t mean you, Andy. Not specifically.
JIM
Oh. You mean Joel McHale.
MICHAEL
What! No. No, not Joel McHale - although, he is magnificent. But I just meant -
(He pauses, disappointed.)
Is Stanley really your answer?
JIM
Stanley’s really my answer.
MICHAEL
Oookay. But he’ll probably just - sleep through it, while you’re getting attacked by wild boars. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
JIM
I thought this was a desert island.
MICHAEL
Deserted by everything but boars. The boars rule.
JIM
Huh. How ‘bout that.
DWIGHT
(to Jim)
You should’ve picked me. (He mimes violently stabbing something to death.) Boar Population: Zero.
JIM
Whoops. Okay. Dwight.
DWIGHT
Too late. You picked Stanley. Enjoy getting gored by a boar.
JIM
No, I mean, Dwight. Truth or dare?
Zoom in on DWIGHT. A moment of intensity.
DWIGHT
Fire.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Sure, I could have picked truth. Sure, I could have picked dare. I probably could have even picked double dare. I didn’t. You know why? Because those are for wusses. There is nothing in this world that Jim Halpert could dare me to do that I would not do. Nothing.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
JIM
Does that mean truth, or dare?
KELLY
It’s like the dariest dare there is.
JIM
Well, well, well.
DWIGHT
Bring it on. Just you try to defeat me at this game. What do you want me to do? Eat the contents of the entire vending machine? I’ll do it. Jump off the roof? I’ll do that, too. Won’t even break a sweat.
KEVIN
Well, yeah. You’re almost naked. It’s cold out.
DWIGHT
I don’t need any of your lip, Malone. Jim. Do it. Fire me.
JIM
I thought only Michael could do that.
DWIGHT
Ha ha, very cute, quit stalling.
JIM
Okay. I dare you-
DWIGHT
Fire me.
JIM
-fire you …
(He thinks. Suspense mounts.)
… to kiss me on the cheek.
Shocked silence.
DWIGHT
(baffled; horrified)
You’re joking.
JIM
Nope.
DWIGHT
You don’t really want me to do that. This is some kind of mind game.
JIM
No, it isn’t.
DWIGHT
It has to be.
JIM
Nope. I just want you to kiss me on the cheek, Dwight.
DWIGHT is flummoxed. Finally, he shoots an accusatory glance at OSCAR.
OSCAR
… what?
DWIGHT (voiceover)
I’ve kissed men before.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I have no problem with it. It’s only lips touching flesh. It’s no big deal. Men I have kissed: Oscar Martinez, on the day he came out to the office. People tend to overlook it. For some reason, Michael’s kiss was more memorable. But he wasn’t the only one who got in there. And frankly, it wasn’t completely unpleasant. Ask him. I don’t think he’ll have any complaints.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR stares at the camera in ‘… are you kidding me?’ silence.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Another man I have kissed: Mose. He sometimes appreciates a peck on the temple before he goes to bed. It’s not unusual. Just because certain issues prevent him from leaving the beet farm doesn’t mean he doesn’t crave the immediacy of human touch. Of course, there are other days when physical contact sends him into a violent frenzy. I’ve gotten good at telling which kinds of days are which. Had to. Otherwise, I’d probably be missing my right eye. If not my right eye, then my left eye.
(Beat.)
But Jim …
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
DWIGHT
I will get back to you on that.
JIM
So you forfeit.
DWIGHT
No. I’ll do it. Just … not right now.
JIM
Dwight, if you really feel uncomfortable-
DWIGHT
I’ll do it. Soon.
JIM
Okay. If you say so.
He tilts his head so that his cheek is on full, mocking display in Dwight’s direction. Dwight twitches a little.
MICHAEL
All right. This is just getting … weird. Okay. Moving on. Um.
ANDY
(jumps in)
Angela! I dare you to kiss me on the-
ANGELA
No.
KELLY is bouncing up and down eagerly, waving her hand in a ‘me me me!’ gesture.
MICHAEL
Fine. Kelly. You go.
KELLY
Yay! Thanks, Michael!
(Turns to Ryan, her expression turns suddenly, scarily intense)
Ryan-
RYAN
Uh-
KELLY
-how many girls did you hook up with while you were in New York?
MICHAEL
Ooh, good one.
RYAN
I don’t really think that’s anybody’s business.
OSCAR
I agree-
RYAN
Lots. Like, honestly, I lost count.
(Sensing The Wrath of Kelly)
But it’s okay. Because we were broken up then. And I was just trying to fill a lot of emptiness, because I missed you.
KELLY looks charmed. Ryan throws a sly ‘yeah, right’ glance at the camera when she’s not looking.
KELLY
But none of them were as pretty as me, right?
RYAN
(thoughtfully)
Ehhh-
PAM
(sensing conflict)
Okay, he answered the question. We should move on.
RYAN
Okay. Creed.
CREED
Sixty-three.
(Off everyone’s bewildered looks)
Or fifty-seven.
(Still getting confused glances)
Pass.
PHYLLIS
I’d like to go.
RYAN
‘kay, sure. Truth or dare?
PHYLLIS
Dare.
PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD
PHYLLIS
I like to get a little crazy sometimes.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
RYAN
Okay. Uh. I dare you to …
RYAN TALKING HEAD
RYAN
Honestly, I don’t really care about any of these people. I don’t care what their hopes and dreams are. I don’t care if they’re a truth person or a dare person. I left this all behind a long time ago. The fact that I’m back doesn’t mean that I’m back. But the secret to success? Not letting them know that. You’ve just gotta know how to play the game.
The kid, he knows how to play the game.
(Beat.)
That’s me. I’m the kid.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
RYAN
… kiss Jim on the cheek.
There’s a chorus of ‘ooh!’s and laughter. Ryan responds to the whole thing with a lot of fake charm and camaraderie, and sneaks a smarmy, triumphant look at the camera. PHYLLIS, meanwhile, goes over to Jim and gives him a big kiss on the cheek.
Cut to MICHAEL, who is watching the whole scene happily.
MICHAEL (voiceover)
See? This is everything that I dreamt it would be. So much love. So much togetherness. Everybody’s kissing each other. Swapping secrets. It’s like heaven. I think the babysitters would be proud. I think we have successfully lived in their image. I think that this is all the love in the whole world that anyone could ever need. Me, I don’t even need to look out of this office for … any of that. Because I’ve got the whole package, right inside these walls.
And sure, stuff got a little gay. But if there’s one thing Oscar has taught us, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with that.
Although the fact that Jim would go for Dwight when there were better alternatives - me, and, I dunno, Ryan - that’s kinda weird. Worrying, a little bit. But what can you do?
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
Everyone’s leaving the conference room. Jim and Pam are walking together.
PAM
You think he’s gonna do it?
JIM
God, I hope so.
PAM
Should I feel threatened, or something?
JIM
Pam. It’s Dwight. Come on.
PAM
So, yes.
JIM
Definitely.
PAM
So, what do we do now?
JIM
Go to bed?
PAM
(looks at clock)
It’s only six thirty.
JIM
Wow. It feels so much later.
PAM
No kidding.
(Realization really hitting)
We’re stuck here all night, aren’t we?
JIM
… yeah.
PAM
What do we do now?
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Everyone is gathered in the dark conference room, lying on the floor with blankets scattered around. They’re all facing the TV, which is currently playing Michael’s ‘With Or Without You’ Dunder Mifflin video from “Valentine’s Day.” Michael sits in a chair toward the front, watching proudly.
PAM
(whispering, to camera)
Dunder Mifflin Film Festival.
MICHAEL
Shhhh!
PAM makes a face at the camera.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(standing outside the conference room; inside, everyone is still watching. Keeping her voice low.)
You know what? I kinda do love it here. It’s here, you know?
She smiles, fond.
PAM (cont’d.)
… talk to me again once Michael’s woken me up in the middle of the night because he wants me to tuck him in.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Close up on the television - specifically, the last frames of the commercial from “Local Ad.”
MICHAEL (voiceover on TV)
Limitless paper in a paperless world.
Everyone ‘aww’s and applauds. Michael smiles happily. He steps forward, stands in front of the TV to address everyone. DWIGHT, meanwhile, dutifully hurries over to stop the tape, take it out of the VCR, etc.
MICHAEL
And so concludes our cinematic journey through history. Now, it’s time for-
Everyone begins to get up, grab their blankets and pillows, and head out.
MICHAEL
Wait - what - where are you going?
ANGELA
It’s after midnight.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
Do you know how many inappropriate, ridiculous videos have been made in this office over the past few years? Do you?
CUT TO VIDEO FOOTAGE of Michael and Dwight out in the parking lot, sporting sunglasses, drawn-on facial hair, and a single sheet of paper each taped over their - how to say this delicately? - underthings areas. Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake wouldn’t be proud, but maybe they’d be a little touched they at least made the effort.
MICHAEL
ONE - you cut a hole in the paper! TWO- you put your-
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA shudders violently.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM
ANDY
Sorry, boss. Time to catch some z’s.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but, what. Who goes to bed at midnight at a sleepover? That’s against the rules.
JIM
A true sleepover has no rules.
MICHAEL
(liking the sound of that)
Yeah - yes - exactly!
JIM
And therefore, we are free to go to bed.
MICHAEL
Wait! No! Damn it, Jim.
Everyone keeps on leaving.
MICHAEL
(frustrated)
Gyahhh! Just - wait a minute.
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
Everyone is stepping out. ANGELA glares down at KEVIN’S bare feet, which the camera zooms down to get a close up of. CREED goes over to his desk and sits awkwardly down in his office chair. He’s still completely dressed, and has put on his coat, too.
CREED
Sleeping in the office? Kooky. That’s kooky.
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
The trick is to act like I’ve never done it before.
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
ANDY
Might I sing you a lullaby, fair lady?
ANGELA
Maybe. I need to brush my teeth first.
ANDY
That’s cool. I’ll wait. In fact, I’ll go get things set up for ya.
ANGELA goes into the kitchen. ANDY smiles after her, then heads off with a spring in his step.
INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN
ANGELA steps inside to find DWIGHT in there already. He sits at the table, head in his hands, tormented.
ANGELA
You can’t possibly do it.
DWIGHT
I have to, Monkey. I can’t back down. Not to Jim.
ANGELA
But it’s disgusting.
DWIGHT
Don’t you think I know that? But - augh! What choice do I have! It’s fire.
ANGELA
(lightly)
You seem frustrated.
DWIGHT
Of course I’m frus-
And then, he catches on. A slow smile begins to creep across his face. Angela returns it.
INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA
ANDY puts sheets on the inflatable mattress, which has now been blown up. He puts a blanket down, fluffs a pillow a couple of times and lays it down lovingly, humming to himself all the while.
INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN BUILDING - HALLWAY
SPY SHOT. We walk through the empty hallway to the stairwell door, which is slightly ajar. The door gets pushed open ever so slightly and sneakily to reveal-
DWIGHT and ANGELA, kissing passionately. Zoom in on Dwight’s fingers as they fumble with the buttons on Angela’s collar.
INT. OFFICE - MAIN OFFICE
The lights have been turned off. Michael is standing in front of the door to his office, watching everybody in dismay as they settle down onto the floor. Jim and Pam are setting their sleeping bags down over in front of the reception desk. Phyllis is on her cell phone.
PHYLLIS
Goodnight, Bobby … No, you hang up first … no, you … no, you … no, you …
MICHAEL can’t take it anymore. He goes over, grabs the phone out of her hand, and presses some random buttons in a failed attempt to hang it up.
BOB VANCE, VANCE REFRIGERATION (on other line)
Hello?
MICHAEL
(throwing the phone down on Phyllis’s desk)
Enough. Enough of this. This, this is disgusting! This isn’t what tonight’s about!
PAM
You mean … going to sleep?
MICHAEL
Yes, I mean going to sleep! We can go to sleep any old night! In our beds, at our houses, alone, when we don’t have anyone to hang out with, or talk to. But this, this is our chance, people! Don’t you see that? This is our chance to pene-
JIM
Yeah, don’t say that again.
MICHAEL
The point is, aaaughhh, we need to connect. We need to share our souls. PAM!
(He whips around to face her)
What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you? Go on. Worst experience of your whole life. Enlighten us. Make us feel what you felt. Bind us to you with your tears. Make them become our tears, too.
PAM
Um.
MICHAEL
BIND US WITH YOUR TEARS.
PAM
Um, I failed one of my graphic design classes-
MICHAEL
Whaa, whaa, whaa. School. Grades. Who even cares about that, ever? Give me something better. Something real.
JIM
I’m pretty sure school’s real.
PAM
Um. When I was fourteen, we had to get our dog put down.
MICHAEL
Dogs! Bah! What are you, Angela?
PAM
It was really sad.
MICHAEL
I’m talking about real human tragedy here. Not tragedy with paws. RYAN. You’re someone who’s had some ups and downs. Some serious downs, my friend. Why don’t you tell us what it’s been like for you? You’ve been at rock bottom.
RYAN
(super-sincere; Lying McLiarFace)
Yeah, but I’m leaving that all behind me. Now I know what’s really important, and I’m starting over.
He SMILES at Kelly.
KELLY
Awww!
MICHAEL
Blech. Redeeming power of love. Stupid. Meredith, how ‘bout - hey, how about your hysterectomy? It’s been awhile since we talked about it. That must have been tough. To have to part from your uterus like that.
MEREDITH stares.
OSCAR
Michael, can you just let everyone go to bed? This is really-
MICHAEL
Oh! Yes! Jackpot! Ja-a-ackpot over here! I can’t believe I didn’t think of you earlier. Oscar. You must have gone through some really hard times. Coming to terms with being the way you are.
OSCAR
That’s really none of your-
MICHAEL
Oh, come on, ‘fess up. Ever had a secret romance? A secret romance gone wrong? That you had to hide from the eyes of society, because they just wouldn’t have gotten it? Where you maybe had to meet once, twice a year in seedy motel rooms? Ended badly? Lover died? Maybe got - I don’t know, beaten with a tire iron, or-
OSCAR
No, Michael, I have never lived Brokeback Mountain.
MICHAEL
But something like that, right?
OSCAR
(patience lost)
I got kissed by my boss. It was invasive and inappropriate, and if it hadn’t been for the three months’ paid vacation time and the company car, I doubt I would have ever come back.
MICHAEL stares, silenced. The whole room sinks into awkward silence for a moment. Then people start chattering again, getting into their sleeping bags, etc. MICHAEL stands there, looking hurt. Then he turns and slowly heads back to his office.
INT. OFFICE - MICHAEL’S OFFICE
Michael stretches his sleeping bag out on the floor, then crawls into it. He lies alone on his back, staring up at the ceiling. We can still hear some chattering from the main office. Pam laughs.
MICHAEL (voiceover)
I always thought that the rule of sleepovers was that no one wound up sleeping alone. But it’s like Jim said. Real sleepovers have no rules. And that’s how I like to live. No rules.
MICHAEL keeps staring sadly up at the ceiling.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE