(no subject)
I think about my little self sitting here, then I think about the store, then the state, then the country, then the continents then the world... I am such a little spec.
So I am going to TRY and get a tattoo on Wednesday, it will be all mine, all mine. I know what I am doing and everything... the important thing to me is it will be a symbol of my life: alone, that I am ok alone. I am going to be ok alone.
I will bring change in this world somehow with something, somewhere.
I still think about him all the time... I don't think that I have changed my relationships with other guys because of this, I mean there is this guy that is in love with me... maybe I could say obsessed... but the good thing is he lives in a different state so he doesn't see me all the time, which is also a bad thing because I think it has made his obsession real. I also talk to him, but it is like talking to him isn't enough for him... he wants to be more than just friends.
Can I help it that I am not attracted to him in that way? I mean I would like to be his friend but nothing more. He gets angry at me for no reason, he gets angry at me for not liking him. How can you get angry at someone for not liking you? He gets weirded out when I tell him that I don't love him... I mean comeon...
I just got out of a long longgg longggggggg relationship and the pressure of everything is too much for me to handle. I cannot jump into something new. I cannot do anything right now except for focus on myself.
The truth is I just really do not like him. I never have. Never will. I do not like HIM like that anyways. I really just want to be friends, but for him it is love or nothing... how can people be like that when they have never been with you?
For example, my boyfriend of 2 years broke my heart. He ripped it apart, he took all I had with him... but the difference is I wanted to be with him and I always will somehow, some part of me will always remember when he loved me, loved all of me. Now it is different because we were together and for me I can be mad that he doesn't want me anymore because we had something once upon a time that no longer exists.
I have stopped wanting to die every second of my life. I just want to die every hour, most likely on the hour. I feel the progress, but the truth is it has to come from within, it cannot come from anyone else in my life. It just has to come from me.
I cannot wait to start tattooing my whole body.. really, I know that sounds weird, but I feel like I need them. I think it will be something that will remind me of my life and the importance of life. Destroying myself is not an answer anymore. I have destroyed myself for too long ya know?
I am starting to think about things that have happened in my life may not be such a bad thing... I really do need to experience different people and different things. I cannot wait to move, I fucking hate the suburbs, yea you heard me I fucking HATE the suburbs.
To me, living in this world I am living in is so horrible, it really leaves you wanting more... there are so many things I want to do likeee
travel, write, help people, have all the experiences I ever wanted
S made me really mad when he said this to me, School, Work, Home, School, Work, Home, School, Work, Home... I mean WTF
You do NOT say those things to people, right? I mean it just made me feel like what I am doing is worthless... and in reality I realize that what I am doing is worth something.
We are just humans, we all want to be worth something and how can we feel any self worth when everything starts falling apart around us?
This journal is just for me which is nice. I don't tell people all of what I am feeling, I just feel it and hide it back inside myself. My heart is always hurting.
I used to feel weak, feel like I shouldn't feel like this but then on another note how can you feel o.k. when someone you love doesn't want you anymore? I feel so confused all the time so hurt all the time and so alone all of the time. I see how happy everyone is around me and even if they aren't happy... they are o.k. and that is all that matters. Everyone is o.k., everyone is ok, the world is moving so fast, time is changing every minute and I am still in the same place. I haven't evolved yet, I haven't moved on and it has been a little more than a month...
I cannot wait to sleep today, but I will be awake allll night prob. I just really want to sleep and I agreed to work on Tuesday blahhshjhfsjfjs
When will my life start? What does life starting mean?
It is weird that I feel like this, weird that the people that I loved the most could make me feel so alone and empty... what is love anyways? I mean when you say you love someone it isn't even true, people love other people and break up with them all the time. How is that possible? I don't know. I wish I could rewind my life. Change my tune, preserve my heart, hold my hand, love myself.
Sometimes I watch myself crash my car off the side of a bridge or a steep hill and hopefully die. The worst thing would be if I didn't die, if I just broke something, or got paralyzed... I would then proceed to live the rest of life in a vegetable state, the worst fate ever.
What can I do to live my life like normal... how do people walk around with this weight in their heart?
I feel sad always and I find myself wanting to hide away from people and just sleep all day, everyday.
Does anyone ever feel like this?
How selfish is this? He ended things, now he calls me and tells me he misses me, no SHIT fucking loser. He said it seemed like I was OK... is he retarded? Is he fucking insane? To say I am OK is a lot like saying I am a billionaress.... right
How many times do I think about him? Do I feel hurt because of him? Do I want to die because of him? everyday... I hate myself, I hate my life. I hate him for making me feel worthless.
So I am going to TRY and get a tattoo on Wednesday, it will be all mine, all mine. I know what I am doing and everything... the important thing to me is it will be a symbol of my life: alone, that I am ok alone. I am going to be ok alone.
I will bring change in this world somehow with something, somewhere.
I still think about him all the time... I don't think that I have changed my relationships with other guys because of this, I mean there is this guy that is in love with me... maybe I could say obsessed... but the good thing is he lives in a different state so he doesn't see me all the time, which is also a bad thing because I think it has made his obsession real. I also talk to him, but it is like talking to him isn't enough for him... he wants to be more than just friends.
Can I help it that I am not attracted to him in that way? I mean I would like to be his friend but nothing more. He gets angry at me for no reason, he gets angry at me for not liking him. How can you get angry at someone for not liking you? He gets weirded out when I tell him that I don't love him... I mean comeon...
I just got out of a long longgg longggggggg relationship and the pressure of everything is too much for me to handle. I cannot jump into something new. I cannot do anything right now except for focus on myself.
The truth is I just really do not like him. I never have. Never will. I do not like HIM like that anyways. I really just want to be friends, but for him it is love or nothing... how can people be like that when they have never been with you?
For example, my boyfriend of 2 years broke my heart. He ripped it apart, he took all I had with him... but the difference is I wanted to be with him and I always will somehow, some part of me will always remember when he loved me, loved all of me. Now it is different because we were together and for me I can be mad that he doesn't want me anymore because we had something once upon a time that no longer exists.
I have stopped wanting to die every second of my life. I just want to die every hour, most likely on the hour. I feel the progress, but the truth is it has to come from within, it cannot come from anyone else in my life. It just has to come from me.
I cannot wait to start tattooing my whole body.. really, I know that sounds weird, but I feel like I need them. I think it will be something that will remind me of my life and the importance of life. Destroying myself is not an answer anymore. I have destroyed myself for too long ya know?
I am starting to think about things that have happened in my life may not be such a bad thing... I really do need to experience different people and different things. I cannot wait to move, I fucking hate the suburbs, yea you heard me I fucking HATE the suburbs.
To me, living in this world I am living in is so horrible, it really leaves you wanting more... there are so many things I want to do likeee
travel, write, help people, have all the experiences I ever wanted
S made me really mad when he said this to me, School, Work, Home, School, Work, Home, School, Work, Home... I mean WTF
You do NOT say those things to people, right? I mean it just made me feel like what I am doing is worthless... and in reality I realize that what I am doing is worth something.
We are just humans, we all want to be worth something and how can we feel any self worth when everything starts falling apart around us?
This journal is just for me which is nice. I don't tell people all of what I am feeling, I just feel it and hide it back inside myself. My heart is always hurting.
I used to feel weak, feel like I shouldn't feel like this but then on another note how can you feel o.k. when someone you love doesn't want you anymore? I feel so confused all the time so hurt all the time and so alone all of the time. I see how happy everyone is around me and even if they aren't happy... they are o.k. and that is all that matters. Everyone is o.k., everyone is ok, the world is moving so fast, time is changing every minute and I am still in the same place. I haven't evolved yet, I haven't moved on and it has been a little more than a month...
I cannot wait to sleep today, but I will be awake allll night prob. I just really want to sleep and I agreed to work on Tuesday blahhshjhfsjfjs
When will my life start? What does life starting mean?
It is weird that I feel like this, weird that the people that I loved the most could make me feel so alone and empty... what is love anyways? I mean when you say you love someone it isn't even true, people love other people and break up with them all the time. How is that possible? I don't know. I wish I could rewind my life. Change my tune, preserve my heart, hold my hand, love myself.
Sometimes I watch myself crash my car off the side of a bridge or a steep hill and hopefully die. The worst thing would be if I didn't die, if I just broke something, or got paralyzed... I would then proceed to live the rest of life in a vegetable state, the worst fate ever.
What can I do to live my life like normal... how do people walk around with this weight in their heart?
I feel sad always and I find myself wanting to hide away from people and just sleep all day, everyday.
Does anyone ever feel like this?
How selfish is this? He ended things, now he calls me and tells me he misses me, no SHIT fucking loser. He said it seemed like I was OK... is he retarded? Is he fucking insane? To say I am OK is a lot like saying I am a billionaress.... right
How many times do I think about him? Do I feel hurt because of him? Do I want to die because of him? everyday... I hate myself, I hate my life. I hate him for making me feel worthless.