Time to lay claim to the evidence; fingerprints sold me out.
why are men such idiots? honestly. i find myself getting more and more annoyed by the stupid shit he does and am actually looking forward to him leaving soon. blame the heat, blame the possibility that my birth control may not be working, blame the fact that i'm a bitch. but seriously, how dense and inconsiderate can one gender be? it is nights like these, where i am sitting home alone for three plus hours, doing laundry and making a home-cooked meal from scratch that i am pissed at the lack of thought my husband tends to have. don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man. he is sweeter than sugar, he treats me right (unlike any of my previous boyfriends, or whatever you'd call them), and he is willing to buy me anything under the sun just to see me smile. but that is half the problem: he grew up in a family where love was bought and still can be. and that doesn't fly with me, a lower-middle class latchkey kid. sorry. i am not a problem you can throw money at. here is where things may get confusing: i would love a little romance, like flowers when he comes home from work or secret plans for a weekend getaway, where i have to do nothing but pack a bag. this is not the same as just giving me money. i could careless if he buys me a dozen orchids or if he picks a few wild tulips from off the side of the autobahn or if he freaking draws me a daisy with crayons on paper. just something to show he cares. a perfect example was yesterday: i came home dreading the fact i would have to clean the house AND go grocery shopping. however, i was pleasantly surprised when i came home to a clean house, after he'd taken off work early to take the dog to the vet. it was glorious. this, however, is a rare commodity. i cannot tell you how many fights we have about chores and keeping the house clean and me not doing everything all by myself. especially not when he expects me to work AND take classes AND afford the two, on top of everything.
and another thing, how sad is it that i needed to ask him to please do something surprising and romantic for my birthday this year? a note to those unaware: our anniversary is the day after my birthday and they fall on a weekend (saturday and sunday). last year, we went out to dinner with a bunch of people on friday, my birthday, and went to a fucking barracks party the night after. gay. his solution to a thoughtful birthday gift? literally pushing me out of the way as i was about the purchase a paycheck's worth of clothes for myself and saying "there you go. happy birthday." gayer. i am sick of begging for sincerity. i understand some boys have it and some don't. some leave your favorite flowers on your doorstep and some couldn't tell you the difference between a rose and a stick. some cook you dinner and some buy you burger king. some pick you up when you've had your limit and even hold your hair back and some tell you to grab a cab. the problem is that he is, or was, the former, but lately he is acting the latter. and it is pissing me off.
the last, and most depressing topic to bring up is a baby. lately, i have been having these unreal urges for a baby. i've had pangs before, but at the time it was because i was lonely and stranded and wanted a piece of him here. now, i am too busy to feel lonely or bored or any of the above. it's this very surreal feeling and if i believed, i would swear it was one of those proverbial "signs". being so up in my head, i have always thought every little action to death before i did it and i was generally miserable. the handful of things i have rashly acted on -- ironically enough, most of them involving him -- have been the best choices i have ever made. i decided to start seeing corey exclusively; i told him i loved him; i gave up my virginity; i promised him things i'd never wanted; i ran off and got hitched; i moved across the fucking world and gave up my life. and during each of these events, this feeling in my gut said, "just fucking do it." it is back and it is screaming so loud i think my ears are ringing. we have had discussions and i understand that he feels we -- HE -- are too young and i respect the fact that he says he is not ready. but i feel rejected and used and am completely coming apart at the seams because of this. i decided that i couldn't continue to have sex and keep my sanity. as i have told him, it just feels wrong and like a slap in the face to whatever is trying to point me in the other direction. he is supportive for the most part, but every bitter quip at his frustration only leads me to yelling at him and telling him to go deal with it himself. he has this plan that we will have somewhat of an established life and be a certain age and will have some ominous financial security before we being the procreating process but when does this EVER happen? rarely. and often with pretentious, chilly, professional-like people. i am not that way. he is not that way. he doesn't even know if he's going to be a career soldier or not. he estimates that, if he is not, he will be going to law school. so we could afford an infant AND law school on our OWN? instead of starting at the most expensive stage while everything is paid for? what the hell does he think is going to happen in the next two or three years that is going to be so goddamned eye-opening?!
i love my husband to death but lately i want to strangle him. i want to quit my new job that is boring and lame and full of bitchy people. i want to focus entirely on school and travel. i want to pack up and bag and get the fuck out of the military community, of wiesbaden, of germany. and, more frustrating than anything else, i can't tell him a fucking word of this. because no matter how many times i say these exact words, it never leads to resolution.
and another thing, how sad is it that i needed to ask him to please do something surprising and romantic for my birthday this year? a note to those unaware: our anniversary is the day after my birthday and they fall on a weekend (saturday and sunday). last year, we went out to dinner with a bunch of people on friday, my birthday, and went to a fucking barracks party the night after. gay. his solution to a thoughtful birthday gift? literally pushing me out of the way as i was about the purchase a paycheck's worth of clothes for myself and saying "there you go. happy birthday." gayer. i am sick of begging for sincerity. i understand some boys have it and some don't. some leave your favorite flowers on your doorstep and some couldn't tell you the difference between a rose and a stick. some cook you dinner and some buy you burger king. some pick you up when you've had your limit and even hold your hair back and some tell you to grab a cab. the problem is that he is, or was, the former, but lately he is acting the latter. and it is pissing me off.
the last, and most depressing topic to bring up is a baby. lately, i have been having these unreal urges for a baby. i've had pangs before, but at the time it was because i was lonely and stranded and wanted a piece of him here. now, i am too busy to feel lonely or bored or any of the above. it's this very surreal feeling and if i believed, i would swear it was one of those proverbial "signs". being so up in my head, i have always thought every little action to death before i did it and i was generally miserable. the handful of things i have rashly acted on -- ironically enough, most of them involving him -- have been the best choices i have ever made. i decided to start seeing corey exclusively; i told him i loved him; i gave up my virginity; i promised him things i'd never wanted; i ran off and got hitched; i moved across the fucking world and gave up my life. and during each of these events, this feeling in my gut said, "just fucking do it." it is back and it is screaming so loud i think my ears are ringing. we have had discussions and i understand that he feels we -- HE -- are too young and i respect the fact that he says he is not ready. but i feel rejected and used and am completely coming apart at the seams because of this. i decided that i couldn't continue to have sex and keep my sanity. as i have told him, it just feels wrong and like a slap in the face to whatever is trying to point me in the other direction. he is supportive for the most part, but every bitter quip at his frustration only leads me to yelling at him and telling him to go deal with it himself. he has this plan that we will have somewhat of an established life and be a certain age and will have some ominous financial security before we being the procreating process but when does this EVER happen? rarely. and often with pretentious, chilly, professional-like people. i am not that way. he is not that way. he doesn't even know if he's going to be a career soldier or not. he estimates that, if he is not, he will be going to law school. so we could afford an infant AND law school on our OWN? instead of starting at the most expensive stage while everything is paid for? what the hell does he think is going to happen in the next two or three years that is going to be so goddamned eye-opening?!
i love my husband to death but lately i want to strangle him. i want to quit my new job that is boring and lame and full of bitchy people. i want to focus entirely on school and travel. i want to pack up and bag and get the fuck out of the military community, of wiesbaden, of germany. and, more frustrating than anything else, i can't tell him a fucking word of this. because no matter how many times i say these exact words, it never leads to resolution.