(no subject)
I'm sitting in my parents [new] guest bedroom in Westchester, less than 24 hours before I will be a California girl again, thinking about all the changes in my life:
We all know I was married--- but what changed was not the obvious gain of in-laws or a more mature relationship [by any means, hehe]--- I feel like I've jumped into a portal of a completely different life than what I had planned for since I was old enough to set goals for myself (...and for me, that was, what?, age 3?) I'm not upset, but rather amazed at how much my life could change in less than 3 months.
Graduating from NYU was SO wonderful! I went through bootcamp; I grew up with all my friends; I partied harder than I could imagine, and I also buckled down for the long-haul on my academics; I graduated with highest honors; I completed my senior recital and got the go-ahead from industry people I really respect--- But that's Eileen Parsons... a name that won't be heard anymore; only seen. I knew after our Senior Showcase that I didn't want to go auditioning for at LEAST 6 months. I've always been a theater brat, but didn't want to be surrounded by theater. I didn't want something I do well to define me. If someone asks me who I am, I don't think the best answer is "I'm an actress; I'm a singer; I'm a dancer..." But come tomorrow morning I won't be able to answer that! Come tomorrow morning I don't even have the option to define myself by my skill-set, because I won't be auditioning for Broadway anymore. I'm growing up and making decisions... but they're being made so quickly I am actually surprised as I sit back and reflect.
Marriage is heaven on earth. Marriage is not easy, nor something to be taken lightly. But it is so wonderful to have a partner I can trust and go through all these changes with. Furthermore, I am so blessed to be able to experience the big bad world with someone I feel protected by, and someone I can fall flat on my face with, and feel safe all the same. I will be changing my name as soon as Alex and I find our new place in San Francisco. From the beginning I thought it would be easier to do it after graduation (because you KNOW it would have been a hassle getting NYU to change all my records). Now that we're moving to a new state I'll need a new driver's license anyway--- so it will be one whooping switch-over in the Golden State.
And I'm feeling held accountable for the first major time in my life. Our apartment in Manhattan is still empty- which means we are still writing rent checks until it can be rented. Moving is REALLY expensive-- AND we're moving from one over-priced city to another. I can't believe our bad luck! Thank god for our good fortune with money, in general, and for our good spending and saving habits. I am so embarrassed to use all our wedding money [which I told people was going into our house fund] for the move *and UWS rent. We did everything we could to get out of the apartment in plenty of time to have it shown; we cleaned and painted it; we even showed it while we were still LIVING there--- and yet there is no new tenant. We were told by every broker who walked through our adorable apartment that it would be picked up quickly... and this was 3 weeks ago. I was so upset to wake up this June 1st and take out my checkbook for our management company when I don't even live in NYC anymore. Rules are put in place for a reason--- but how WRONG they are sometimes to a newlywed couple moving across the country without any financial help!
Elsie [my car] has a license plate frame that says "I'm a California Girl"-- and it's been on the car since we bought it in '98... in Massachusetts. How funny that Elsie was the first to arrive [last week] in California with this insignia? When I change over my plates to California I don't think I'll take off the frame. I don't really care that it will seem redundant to most, since I will know the real significance. So, back to my "roots" I go! My mother couldn't be more upset... and I'm actually without the energy to cheer her up, especially since nothing I say or explain will convince her that this was my path in life.
Changes, changes all around. The hardest is how I've been distanced by my best friends. It's difficult for everyone when someone moves away-- and I understand that-- but to be alienated during such a volatile time in my life seems a bit inhumane from my standpoint. But, then again, perhaps in a few months I will sit down like this and reflect on these changes with an entirely new perspective-- saying that this was the path I needed to take, and those who stayed close to me helped me through it, and those who said goodbye indefinitely will have a memory of an old me. It's all just so very sad. This whole week I've been gradually feeling less excited and more scared (admittedly mostly about June rent)... but now that it is, in fact, our "D-Day" I feel ready to face the world and all it's craziness it has for me and my husband. I loved my life and the people in it before now, I love my life and support-circle now, and I will love my life and new faces around me tomorrow!
We all know I was married--- but what changed was not the obvious gain of in-laws or a more mature relationship [by any means, hehe]--- I feel like I've jumped into a portal of a completely different life than what I had planned for since I was old enough to set goals for myself (...and for me, that was, what?, age 3?) I'm not upset, but rather amazed at how much my life could change in less than 3 months.
Graduating from NYU was SO wonderful! I went through bootcamp; I grew up with all my friends; I partied harder than I could imagine, and I also buckled down for the long-haul on my academics; I graduated with highest honors; I completed my senior recital and got the go-ahead from industry people I really respect--- But that's Eileen Parsons... a name that won't be heard anymore; only seen. I knew after our Senior Showcase that I didn't want to go auditioning for at LEAST 6 months. I've always been a theater brat, but didn't want to be surrounded by theater. I didn't want something I do well to define me. If someone asks me who I am, I don't think the best answer is "I'm an actress; I'm a singer; I'm a dancer..." But come tomorrow morning I won't be able to answer that! Come tomorrow morning I don't even have the option to define myself by my skill-set, because I won't be auditioning for Broadway anymore. I'm growing up and making decisions... but they're being made so quickly I am actually surprised as I sit back and reflect.
Marriage is heaven on earth. Marriage is not easy, nor something to be taken lightly. But it is so wonderful to have a partner I can trust and go through all these changes with. Furthermore, I am so blessed to be able to experience the big bad world with someone I feel protected by, and someone I can fall flat on my face with, and feel safe all the same. I will be changing my name as soon as Alex and I find our new place in San Francisco. From the beginning I thought it would be easier to do it after graduation (because you KNOW it would have been a hassle getting NYU to change all my records). Now that we're moving to a new state I'll need a new driver's license anyway--- so it will be one whooping switch-over in the Golden State.
And I'm feeling held accountable for the first major time in my life. Our apartment in Manhattan is still empty- which means we are still writing rent checks until it can be rented. Moving is REALLY expensive-- AND we're moving from one over-priced city to another. I can't believe our bad luck! Thank god for our good fortune with money, in general, and for our good spending and saving habits. I am so embarrassed to use all our wedding money [which I told people was going into our house fund] for the move *and UWS rent. We did everything we could to get out of the apartment in plenty of time to have it shown; we cleaned and painted it; we even showed it while we were still LIVING there--- and yet there is no new tenant. We were told by every broker who walked through our adorable apartment that it would be picked up quickly... and this was 3 weeks ago. I was so upset to wake up this June 1st and take out my checkbook for our management company when I don't even live in NYC anymore. Rules are put in place for a reason--- but how WRONG they are sometimes to a newlywed couple moving across the country without any financial help!
Elsie [my car] has a license plate frame that says "I'm a California Girl"-- and it's been on the car since we bought it in '98... in Massachusetts. How funny that Elsie was the first to arrive [last week] in California with this insignia? When I change over my plates to California I don't think I'll take off the frame. I don't really care that it will seem redundant to most, since I will know the real significance. So, back to my "roots" I go! My mother couldn't be more upset... and I'm actually without the energy to cheer her up, especially since nothing I say or explain will convince her that this was my path in life.
Changes, changes all around. The hardest is how I've been distanced by my best friends. It's difficult for everyone when someone moves away-- and I understand that-- but to be alienated during such a volatile time in my life seems a bit inhumane from my standpoint. But, then again, perhaps in a few months I will sit down like this and reflect on these changes with an entirely new perspective-- saying that this was the path I needed to take, and those who stayed close to me helped me through it, and those who said goodbye indefinitely will have a memory of an old me. It's all just so very sad. This whole week I've been gradually feeling less excited and more scared (admittedly mostly about June rent)... but now that it is, in fact, our "D-Day" I feel ready to face the world and all it's craziness it has for me and my husband. I loved my life and the people in it before now, I love my life and support-circle now, and I will love my life and new faces around me tomorrow!