(no subject)
Случайно наткнулся на данный текстик, ну раз уж предидущий пост был про МакКлейна...
Помойму довольно забавно, особно конец...
We take you to NASA headquarters. The new experimental Mars Shuttle is en route to the red planet, and Mission Control is eagerly awaiting the results of the latest on-shuttle scientific experiment: One cop, a nerd, and a dog, all locked in a room with only a Super Nintendo and a "Battle Clash" Cartridge with the super-scope light gun to go with.
A similar experiment utilizing the same nerd, one "Dilbert," had brought forth many exciting discoveries, so this time the eggheads at NASA upped the ante, adding Dilbert's dog, Dogbert, and a grizzled New York cop named John McClane. To boot, the trio was being forced to watch episodes of various 80's television shows every other hour. Everything was going smoothly, until...
"Grand Moff Tarkin, sir?"
"Yes, Lt. Generic?"
"Well...um...begging your lordship's pardon, sir, but we're BORED. Our next target, Earth, won't be in range for at least 24 hours, and there's no rebels around to harass."
"Get to the point, Lieutenant, before I ask Lord Vader to turn your nose inside out."
"Well...sensors have picked up a small primitive craft, probably from Earth. Can we tractor beam it aboard and beat its crew up? PLEEEASE?"
At this point, you can guess what happens. The shuttle is pulled in, with the crew captured and taken to the prison block for the crew's later amusement. Fortunately for Our Heroes, the door to the test chamber was missed by the initial search party.
John peeks his head out the door of the room; after deciding it's safe, he motions for Dilbert and Dogbert to follow him. All he has with him in a dufflebag are: freeze-dried chocolate ice-cream, the super-scope light gun (useless as a weapon, but who knows...), a tool kit for Dilbert, a videotape from the VCR, and a jar of Tang.
First things first, John thinks. I need help, and I need to call Earth. With that in mind, he drags Dilbert to the nearest unattended tech-station.
Reginald VelJohnson awakes with a start as his phone rings. "MMmrph...hello? Who IS this?"
"Hey, it's me, John! How're the twinkies today?"
"John. This BETTER be good."
Frantically explaining the situation, John fails to notice Dogbert's excited reaction when the "Big Gun That Can Blow Up The Planet" is mentioned.
After another hour of searching for any sort of clue, Our Heroes crawl out of a airvent into the sleeping quarters of none other than The Boy In Black, Darth Vader. Thinking quickly, John loads the video cassette from his bag into the sleeping Sith-Lord's chest module; his person violated, Vader of course wakes with a start, but his mind REELS as six hours of "Moonlighting" is downloaded directly into his cybernetic brain. The mounting sexual tension between 'Dave' and 'Maddie' on the show becomes too much for him to bear, as he hasn't gotten any in YEARS himself, and since the episode where they finally do sleep with each other is not on the tape, Darth is denied a release, and dies in a convulsing heap on the floor.
After the body of Vader is discovered, John and Co. are on the run! John finally manages to obtain a blaster rifle after bluffing his way through a room of troopers by "covering" them with the super-scope. Once he gets a REAL gun in his hand, though...well, you've all seen John McClane work before. You know what to expect.
Dilbert, on the other hand, has been hard at work (while being guarded by John) at deciphering the Death Star's computers. He's just located The reactor core on the map (next to Housewares, 3rd room on the left, 270 levels down) when he notices that Dogbert is missing....
Grand Moff Tarkin sighed. It was just going to be one of those days, wasn't it? Vader dead, the Emperor asking for hourly status reports, and now some small white dog had locked him in his bathroom, after the small creature had cornered him with what looked to be Darth's lightsaber.
Dogbert was having a giggle-fit. This was so great! After dreaming day after day about becoming Supreme Ruler of Earth, he finally had the means! All he had done was storm the bridge, wearing Vader's helmet and brandishing the lightsaber, claim to be Vader's reincarnation, and the morons BOUGHT IT! He had the world hostage, a private army of millions, and a really comfy chair with a WIDE-screen TV set in the wall! What else could a small megalomanaiacal dog need?
John and Dilbert, in the meantime, were making serious headway towards the reactor core. The body count had reached triple digits by this point, but who's surprised by that? Along the way, the pair stopped to break the shuttle crew out of jail. Unforunately for the astronauts, they fall under the category of "cannon fodder" for this evening's entertainment, and are thus all killed in a cross-fire during a breakout sequence that would have put a smile on John Woo's face. All the astronauts, save one, died a horrible lasered death. The sole survivor, now accompanying John M. and Dilbert on their quest for the reactor core, was a cute little French mathematician who kept calling John "Butch", and made numerous comments on the high quality of Dilbert's potbelly.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Reginald VelJohnson was stuck. He had called NASA to explain what had happenned to their shuttle, and they had hung up on him after calling him a very rude name. He had tried to convince his boss at the policestation, and the Chief had responded by asking him what he was lacing his twinkies with these days, and if Reggie could send ten pounds of it to his office "at once." Then it hit him in a moment of pure, horrifying clarity. He needed to strike at the heart of the enemy, but how? How could he cause such mass chaos and confusion in the Imperial Ranks that it would ruin their plans? How indeed. Reginald VelJohnson smiled, and stepped outside to knock on his next-door neighbor's front door.
Dilbert brushed off his hands on his shirt and adjusted his tie (which of course was as about as effective as melting a glacier with a zippo). "That should do it. We have about 2 hours left to get off the station before this bomb made of a surgical glove, freese-dried ice-cream, three tablespoons of Tang, and my belly-button lint (won't the guys at work be impressed when I tell them about THIS one!) goes off, taking the station with it! Let's go!"
Dogbert smiled. Earth was in range, and he had just opened hailing frequencies with the U.N. "Attention, all you mindless morons! I am Dogbert Vader, your new supreme--" ...and that was as far as he got before the viewscreen was suddenly filled with the face of a young African-American teenager with glasses, wide eyes, and the most nasal voice known to man and dog alike. The boy looked up from the control panel he had been "only looking at" just moments before.
"Did *I* do that?"
Reggie smiled. The bane his existance, his neighbor, Urkel, was finally proving useful. He had dragged the boy to his ham radio set, told Urkel in no uncertain terms that he was to "clean the radio, but DON'T touch any buttons", closed the door, and counted to ten. Before he had reached six, Urkel had already knocked over the radio, accidently directed the transmission dish into deep space (pointed right at the D.Star), and hit the on switch. Reggie sighed happily.
Aboard the Death Star, things had rapidly gone all higgledy-piggledy. Half the crew was clutching their sides in laughter, directed at the boy on the screen (if you asked them why they were laughing, they couldn't have told you exactly why), and the other half of the crew was shooting at each other in the homicidal rage that everyone gets when they are confronted with That Which Is Really Un-Funny.
John passes by the bridge long enough to snag Dogbert (at Dilbert's request), pulling the weeping canine from his new throne. After much begging on Dogbert's part, John lets him keep the Darth Vader helmet and the lightsaber.
Finally, with only minutes before the bomb detonates in the reactor core, John spots the TIE Fighter that goes with the keys he found in Vader's room. Hitting the button on the keychain, the hatch opens with a loud "boop-beep-boop", and he clambers inside, with Dogbert, Dilbert, and the French astronaut in tow. As they settle into the padded seats, the French woman turns to John, who's starting up the engine.
"Who's spacecraft iz thiz?"
"It's not a spacecraft, baby, it's a custom TIE Fighter," John responds.
"Who's custom TIE Fighter iz thiz?"
"It's Darth's."
"Who's Darth?"
"Darth's Dead, Baby. Darth's Dead."
And off they fly, with only a firm "Bad Dog!" being audible over the explosion of the Death Star.
Дляпримера, не из этого текста:
Behind them they hear a set of blast doors open. The admiral and his legion of storm troopers turn and see a horrifying sight. There sits Darth Vader, slumped over dead in a chair. He is wearing a Santa hat, and something is written in blood on Darth Vader's black cape. As they unfurl it, the admiral reads the message:
"Ho Ho Ho. Now I have a light saber!"
Взято отсюда.