The Danger in the Things We Fear 1/5
Title: The Danger in the Things We Fear
Pairing: (broken?) JaeMin
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Jaejoong thinks he should break up with Changmin. Junsu thinks that spending a few days in a haunted castle will change his mind.
Warnings: This is a ghost story that isn't actually scary. And they all have Korean names but this takes place in Europe. Also, be prepared for some terrible alliterated chapter titles.
We're fighting again. For the ridiculous reason of Heechul calling me 'Jae-baby'.
All it took was Changmin asking "do you let everyone call you that?" in that special tone of his and I was yelling at him.
Changmin seems to think that I am too close to the people I work with, who are also my friends. They are just friends. We work together, we hang out, no big deal. I can have friends, can't I? I can have a life next to my life with him.
It's not that he goes all possessive on me all the time. He does actually allow me my freedom. But it's the subtle looks he gives me when I come home late, or those questions. Those annoy me the most. There are other things that annoy me, little things. They're insignificant on their own, but I push them inside me, where the anger builds until I want to scream. And I do.
Changmin never reacts the way I want to my screaming. He doesn't cower at my feet and apologise. Very rarely he screams back. Sometimes he says I'm exaggerating and most often he tries to avoid me, but it's always with a look on his face that seems to say 'I'm right' or 'I don't care'. But I am right, and Changmin is an idiot.
Our relationship has lasted three years so far despite this. It started in college. I was drunk and I let him fuck me and he was amazing at it. It's not the most romantic start, but it worked. We fought a lot, for stupid reasons, but we had fun the rest of the time, the sex was great and here we are, living together, sharing a bed, and still fighting.
People say love fades after a while, and whether your relationship survives that or not depends on many different things. I'm not sure if my love is fading, I don't know how that would feel, but I know that our fights have never bothered me as much before as they do now.
I turn away from him, facing the wall to make a statement. Changmin doesn't seem to notice, or he chooses to ignore it. After a while I feel him slide to my side of the bed. I feel his hand touch my hip and his lips press against my neck, such familiar touches. Usually I'd roll into him and give him access to all of me. He knows my body so well.
This time I lash out, push him away and glare through the dark at where I expect his head to be. "Don't even think about it," I hiss. I am so not in the mood for sex. Sex doesn't solve anything. It feels good when you're already happy, it's a hassle when you're not.
Suddenly I am so mad at him. I was annoyed before. Now I am mad. He doesn't get me at all. He doesn't know what I want and maybe he doesn't even really love me. I am exaggerating and I don't care, because all those little things that annoy me about our relationship are real, and I feel like I am just putting them together to see the big picture.
He's kept me around just for sex and.. I don't know, just because it's better than being alone. Maybe those are also the reasons I stayed with him. Sometimes it's hard to separate actual feelings from everything else. Convenience.
I don't think I can pretend that nothing is wrong and lead a happy life like that.
Yes, I scream out my frustrations, but never my insecurities. Those have stayed hidden, building.
I decide that something needs to change, and that it never will if we just keep fighting and making up and fighting and making up. Because I know that my anger will die down during the night and in the morning he'll kiss me in the right way and I'll want to stay with him forever.
My screaming doesn't seem to impress him. Maybe this will.
I push the duvet away and step out of the bed, our bed. The room is too dark. I curse when I stumble on a shoe, or something. I hear Changmin say my name, but I ignore him, not in the mood for talking either.
I find the light switch and then the biggest bag I can get my hands on without going up to the attic for my suitcase. I haven't planned this, and I am too angry to think clearly, so I just pull random items of clothing off the shelves and hope that I have at least one of everything and that most of it is mine.
I don't hear anything from the bed while I am doing this. There is no hand on my arm or a few pleading words to stop me. I turn around and look at Changmin. He is sitting up and watching me, silently and with no readable expression on his face.
At least he hasn't gone to sleep to prove that he doesn't care, but the silence is unnerving.
"I'm leaving," I say. It sounds a bit pathetic, less angry than I intended, more surprised. We've never been in this situation before, and even I hadn't seen it coming.
"You're serious," he says. He sounds less surprised than I did. That annoys me.
I am still angry, and Changmin isn't apologising and begging me to stay. Instead he looks so lost. I hesitate for a moment, but then my resolve strengthens. Without another word I grab my phone, leave the bedroom, put on my coat and shoes and walk out the door.
The only place I can think of to go is to my best friend. I know Changmin knows that I'll be there, but I don't care. I hope he'll have the decency to leave me be until I've sorted out my feelings.
Junsu and his roommate are still up. I only have to ring the bell once. Junsu opens the door, looks me over once, and says: "you've done something stupid, haven't you?"
I'm wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt under my coat and I'm holding a bag stuffed with clothes. It's pretty obvious what happened.
"We had a fight. I left," I explain anyway. "Can I come in?"
Junsu shakes his head at me and says: "You know, running away from an argument is the absolute worst way to solve it." But he opens the door wider and steps aside anyway.
Junsu's roommate is a girl, Sooyoung. I like her, but tonight she has a friend over, a girl I've never seen before, and I'm not up for small talk with strangers.
Luckily Junsu takes control of the situation immediately. He guides me into the living room and snaps his fingers. "Girls, we need emergency ice-cream, stat."
Sooyoung gives me a surprised look. "Did something happen between you and Changmin?" but Junsu signals something with his eyes and she understands. "Come on, Jess, we'd better go buy these hopeless boys some comfort food."
"What?" the other girl says indignantly. "Do you seriously let him order you around like that?"
"For the last time." Sooyoung speaks slowly. "Junsu is my friend, and if you have a problem with that, you can work on this project alone."
"She doesn't believe that a man and a woman can live together without anything 'happening'," Junsu says to me, "so she doesn't trust me."
That makes me laugh despite my dark mood. "Honey," I say, wrapping an arm around Junsu's waist, "the worst this man can do to Sooyoung is give her a bad haircut while she sleeps."
"I would never!" Junsu protests. "Even if we were fighting, I'd stay professional."
Junsu works in a hair salon. He's so popular that I don't doubt he could start his own, but he loves it too much to leave. Sooyoung is one of his customers, that's how they became friends and ended up living together to share the rent. Changmin calls them 'the girls'.
When the actual girls are gone, Junsu pushes me down on the couch and says he'll get me something to drink. He takes a while and as I wait for him, I start to realise what I just did. I left Changmin, without giving him a clear explanation. Does this mean we're breaking up? Is that what I want?
When Junsu returns he's holding out a mug and I smell chocolate, but when he sees my face he puts it down on the coffee table and gives me a hug instead. I cling to him and he rubs my back. He doesn't even know the details yet and he's already making me feel a little better.
Junsu is the only man I'm this affectionate with besides Changmin, and at least Changmin has always accepted that. Junsu and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. We've tried being more than that, but it didn't work out. Changmin knows this. I'm sure he'd be more jealous otherwise.
"Okay," Junsu says. He lets go of me and sits back, giving me a serious look. "I'm not asking you this because I think it's a possibility, but because it's my duty as your friend. Did he do something to hurt you?"
"No," I say immediately. I left because I'm unhappy with our relationship, but not because Changmin has been unfaithful or hit me or forced himself onto me. I know that he would never something like that.
"Did he tell you he doesn't love you anymore and he never wants to see you again?"
"No." He has never said that. At least, not out loud.
Junsu sighs and shakes his head. "Then what are you doing here?"
"We're always fighting, Su, and he never listens to me. We're just.." my voice drops to a whisper. This is something I have never said out loud, "not going to work out."
"You're being stupid." Junsu sits back and crosses his arms. It's clear that this is his final judgement.
"But we're always fighting," I say, sounding desperate now, "that just can't be good."
"Actually, I've read somewhere that most long-time couples with a history of bickering have worked out their problems and are more likely to be in stable marriages than people who never fight," Junsu says.
I'm mad at him too now. How can he have more confidence in us than I do? I don't feel like our fights help us work out any problems. Are they even real fights if Changmin doesn't fight back? That's exactly the problem.
"You and Kyuhyun didn't work out either," I say. "Why is this different?"
Pain flashes over Junsu's face, and I feel sorry. But he quickly composes himself. "Because you are different. Breaking up with Kyuhyun hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. Are you saying you won't regret breaking up with Changmin?"
"I.." it hurts just to think about it. I can't imagine a life without Changmin. But isn't that just because I've grown so used to having him around?
"Your thinking time is up," Junsu says, "yes, you'd regret it."
I don't know why I'm so desperate to prove that the decision I made tonight was the right one. "He just.. annoys me so much! That can't be good. He got weird over Heechul just being Heechul today! It's so frustrating."
Junsu just looks at me, unimpressed. "Why don't you tell me what is really bothering you?"
What is really bothering me?
Junsu probably knows that I don't have an answer for him, because he keeps talking. "Is this really all Changmin's fault? Have you discussed your feelings with him, reasonably, without yelling?"
I grab my hot chocolate and take a sip.
Junsu shakes his head. "You love each other, you're perfect together, you both just need to work on your relationship a bit." He pauses for a moment, then continues: "And I know just the place to do that. I found something a while ago, hold on." He turns around and starts to go through a pile of magazines and folders.
"Oh no, Su," I say, putting down my mug again, "no way. You're not sending us to couples therapy or something ridiculous like that."
"Why not?" Junsu says over his shoulder. "Sounds to me like you're a married couple on the brink of divorce. As your best friend it's my responsibility to keep you from making the wrong decision."
I'm about to protest again but Junsu waves a flyer in my face. "This. It's perfect."
I grab it with the intention of ripping it up, but the unusual image on the front captures my eye. I'd expected a picture of the perfect happy couple, hugging and smiling at each other, not a dark, intimidating building. I take a closer look. "A castle?"
Junsu nods. "It's not an actual couples therapy thing. But it's.. well, not quite the same thing. It's a haunted castle. You can stay there for a couple of days, go on ghost tours and stuff. It'll be like a short holiday."
"What?" I stare at the picture and turn it around to read the back. Bold text promotes it as 'the scariest experience of your life'. I'm not sure how that is supposed to sound appealing, or even remotely romantic. "How is this.. what?"
"You should go there, with Changmin. It's the perfect kind of therapy for you. I came up with that idea myself." Junsu sounds proud.
"You want us to go on a holiday? That's the worst therapy. We'll be around each other all day and fight more than usual."
"Which means that when you get through it, you'll know that you can handle a serious relationship. Besides, it's a haunted castle. It'll have the added value of being a scary situation you have to face together."
I stare at him. "Are you saying you expect me to be so scared that I'll jump into Changmin's arms, realise how much I love him and live happily ever after?"
"Exactly." Junsu smiles. "I think I hear the girls at the door. Do you want to go back to your man or will you hang out with us tonight and sleep on the couch?"
I can't focus on my work. I don't know how long I've been sitting in my office, staring at my desk. I'm not waiting for my phone to ring, because that would just be sad and prove that I can't live without Changmin or something.
I chose to stay with Junsu, of course. There was no way I could face Changmin again last night. How pathetic is it to run out like that and then come back an hour later?
I still couldn't face him this morning, so I went straight to the coffee shop. I've heard nothing from him, no message or call, but I haven't sent anything either. Maybe we were both waiting.
There's a knock on my door, which startles me. Heechul's head appears before I get the chance to say anything. "Someone is complaining about the coffee and asked for the manager," he says with a pointed look.
I sigh. "You can just tell me it's him."
"He told me not to. He's afraid you won't come." Heechul gives me a curious look now. "I know it's none of my business, but-"
"It's none of your business."
"Right." Heechul pouts and says he'll go back to his work, which I know he thinks consists of flirting with customers.
Changmin has done this before, pretend to be an angry customer. He did it just a few days after my promotion. I was mad at him then because it had made me so worried that something was really wrong and I'd have to fix it, but we laughed about it later.
I'm going to meet him now. I still don't know what to say, but hiding in my office definitely isn't an option, also because Junsu will kick me out if he hears that's how hard I'm working on solving my problems.
I know where to look. Changmin likes to sit in a corner, so no one can stare at him behind his back, and he's close to a window, because he's the quiet, daydreaming type. He looks good, suited up for work. This has to be his lunch break. That means I wasted my entire morning.
I catch myself searching for signs of weariness on his face as I approach, proof that he wasn't able to sleep after I left. I couldn't sleep, and it wasn't because of Junsu's old couch. Changmin's face reveals nothing, but I know from experience that he's good at hiding his pain.
He doesn't look up until I'm standing in front of him, and then he takes another sip of his espresso before putting it down. I take a seat and look into his eyes. They are a bit guarded, but not angry. "You're not mad at me," I say. It sounds like a question.
"I'm not mad," Changmin says. "You haven't done anything to provoke me. You're not my possession. I can't force you to stay with me, and I don't have the right to be mad at you if you choose to leave, though I admit I'm not happy with the way you did it."
It sounds a bit apathetic, probably unintentionally, but it makes me angry. "Are you glad then? Is this what you want?"
Hurt flashes over Changmin's face. "Of course not. Jae, can I ask you to tell me what I've done wrong? Or does that make it worse? Can I fix it?"
That hurts. I feel like a heartless bastard all of a sudden. "I don't know," I answer truthfully, to all of the questions.
"Do I not even deserve a better answer than that? If what I've done is so wrong, at least give me a chance to say I'm sorry. Even if it's just that you don't love me anymore. I wish I could apologise for that."
This is the first time we're seriously talking about breaking up without me yelling and Changmin walking away from it, and it's scarier than I could imagine. Changmin has never before sounded like this, so.. I don't have a word for it. So different from my confident boyfriend.
I know I need to give him something, for my own benefit as well. I'm about to tell him that he should apologise for being jealous of Heechul of all people - like he thinks I would seriously leave him for someone who doesn't even remember the names of the men and women he slept with last week.
But then that would make it sound like his one comment about Heechul is what caused me to make this decision, which is just as ridiculous.
"I'm just not sure.. if we're together for the right reasons anymore."
".. what are the wrong reasons?"
"Just.. because we're used to it, and because it's better than being alone."
Changmin is looking at me very intently now. It makes me uncomfortable. "That's all there is to us for you?"
He has me trapped there. Why does he have to be so smart? Why can't he just tell me he still loves me?
Part of me knows I wouldn't be satisfied even if he did. I would never know if it'd be sincere or mostly because he's afraid to lose me. Changmin probably knows this.
"No. I don't know. What about you?"
"I don't think there is anything wrong with why I want to be with you. Even if part of it is that it's better than being alone. Because I know that I'd much rather be alone than with someone I don't love."
What do I say to that? It's perfect. This is when I pull him over the table for a passionate kiss, shout to the bar that I'm taking the rest of the day off and drag him home for an afternoon of hot steamy sex.
But this is not a movie. And I know that something about us doesn't feel quite right for me, even if I can't put my finger on it.
"That didn't change your mind," Changmin observes.
I shake my head.
Changmin closes his eyes and breathes deeply. You might think he's angry and trying to calm himself down, but I know that he does this when he doesn't know what to do, when he feels helpless.
"Junsu says we should go to this haunted castle as a form of therapy, how ridiculous is that?" I say, not because I think we should do it, but because I desperately want to have something to laugh about together.
Changmin doesn't laugh but looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "I think our friends have teamed up, because Minho just told me the same thing."
I scoff. "We need to find better friends. This is a crazy idea."
"Let's do it," Changmin says.
"What?"
"Let's go." He actually sounds serious. "I mean it. I can get a few days off, I could use a break, and even if it doesn't help our relationship.. what do we have to lose?"
"What if I don't want to go on holiday with the person I'm about to break up with?"
There, I said the words. I don't feel relieved or anything. Just empty, and a bit surprised by myself. And also.. not so sure anymore.
"Give me a reason," Changmin says, "give me a clear, understandable explanation why you want to leave me. I'll accept anything as long as it's more specific than 'I have this vague feeling that something is not quite right'. But if you can't, give me this chance."
He seems to have regained his confidence, I can't help but like it.
And I guess we're going to a haunted castle.
2. The Forest and the Fog.
Pairing: (broken?) JaeMin
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Jaejoong thinks he should break up with Changmin. Junsu thinks that spending a few days in a haunted castle will change his mind.
Warnings: This is a ghost story that isn't actually scary. And they all have Korean names but this takes place in Europe. Also, be prepared for some terrible alliterated chapter titles.
We're fighting again. For the ridiculous reason of Heechul calling me 'Jae-baby'.
All it took was Changmin asking "do you let everyone call you that?" in that special tone of his and I was yelling at him.
Changmin seems to think that I am too close to the people I work with, who are also my friends. They are just friends. We work together, we hang out, no big deal. I can have friends, can't I? I can have a life next to my life with him.
It's not that he goes all possessive on me all the time. He does actually allow me my freedom. But it's the subtle looks he gives me when I come home late, or those questions. Those annoy me the most. There are other things that annoy me, little things. They're insignificant on their own, but I push them inside me, where the anger builds until I want to scream. And I do.
Changmin never reacts the way I want to my screaming. He doesn't cower at my feet and apologise. Very rarely he screams back. Sometimes he says I'm exaggerating and most often he tries to avoid me, but it's always with a look on his face that seems to say 'I'm right' or 'I don't care'. But I am right, and Changmin is an idiot.
Our relationship has lasted three years so far despite this. It started in college. I was drunk and I let him fuck me and he was amazing at it. It's not the most romantic start, but it worked. We fought a lot, for stupid reasons, but we had fun the rest of the time, the sex was great and here we are, living together, sharing a bed, and still fighting.
People say love fades after a while, and whether your relationship survives that or not depends on many different things. I'm not sure if my love is fading, I don't know how that would feel, but I know that our fights have never bothered me as much before as they do now.
I turn away from him, facing the wall to make a statement. Changmin doesn't seem to notice, or he chooses to ignore it. After a while I feel him slide to my side of the bed. I feel his hand touch my hip and his lips press against my neck, such familiar touches. Usually I'd roll into him and give him access to all of me. He knows my body so well.
This time I lash out, push him away and glare through the dark at where I expect his head to be. "Don't even think about it," I hiss. I am so not in the mood for sex. Sex doesn't solve anything. It feels good when you're already happy, it's a hassle when you're not.
Suddenly I am so mad at him. I was annoyed before. Now I am mad. He doesn't get me at all. He doesn't know what I want and maybe he doesn't even really love me. I am exaggerating and I don't care, because all those little things that annoy me about our relationship are real, and I feel like I am just putting them together to see the big picture.
He's kept me around just for sex and.. I don't know, just because it's better than being alone. Maybe those are also the reasons I stayed with him. Sometimes it's hard to separate actual feelings from everything else. Convenience.
I don't think I can pretend that nothing is wrong and lead a happy life like that.
Yes, I scream out my frustrations, but never my insecurities. Those have stayed hidden, building.
I decide that something needs to change, and that it never will if we just keep fighting and making up and fighting and making up. Because I know that my anger will die down during the night and in the morning he'll kiss me in the right way and I'll want to stay with him forever.
My screaming doesn't seem to impress him. Maybe this will.
I push the duvet away and step out of the bed, our bed. The room is too dark. I curse when I stumble on a shoe, or something. I hear Changmin say my name, but I ignore him, not in the mood for talking either.
I find the light switch and then the biggest bag I can get my hands on without going up to the attic for my suitcase. I haven't planned this, and I am too angry to think clearly, so I just pull random items of clothing off the shelves and hope that I have at least one of everything and that most of it is mine.
I don't hear anything from the bed while I am doing this. There is no hand on my arm or a few pleading words to stop me. I turn around and look at Changmin. He is sitting up and watching me, silently and with no readable expression on his face.
At least he hasn't gone to sleep to prove that he doesn't care, but the silence is unnerving.
"I'm leaving," I say. It sounds a bit pathetic, less angry than I intended, more surprised. We've never been in this situation before, and even I hadn't seen it coming.
"You're serious," he says. He sounds less surprised than I did. That annoys me.
I am still angry, and Changmin isn't apologising and begging me to stay. Instead he looks so lost. I hesitate for a moment, but then my resolve strengthens. Without another word I grab my phone, leave the bedroom, put on my coat and shoes and walk out the door.
The only place I can think of to go is to my best friend. I know Changmin knows that I'll be there, but I don't care. I hope he'll have the decency to leave me be until I've sorted out my feelings.
Junsu and his roommate are still up. I only have to ring the bell once. Junsu opens the door, looks me over once, and says: "you've done something stupid, haven't you?"
I'm wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt under my coat and I'm holding a bag stuffed with clothes. It's pretty obvious what happened.
"We had a fight. I left," I explain anyway. "Can I come in?"
Junsu shakes his head at me and says: "You know, running away from an argument is the absolute worst way to solve it." But he opens the door wider and steps aside anyway.
Junsu's roommate is a girl, Sooyoung. I like her, but tonight she has a friend over, a girl I've never seen before, and I'm not up for small talk with strangers.
Luckily Junsu takes control of the situation immediately. He guides me into the living room and snaps his fingers. "Girls, we need emergency ice-cream, stat."
Sooyoung gives me a surprised look. "Did something happen between you and Changmin?" but Junsu signals something with his eyes and she understands. "Come on, Jess, we'd better go buy these hopeless boys some comfort food."
"What?" the other girl says indignantly. "Do you seriously let him order you around like that?"
"For the last time." Sooyoung speaks slowly. "Junsu is my friend, and if you have a problem with that, you can work on this project alone."
"She doesn't believe that a man and a woman can live together without anything 'happening'," Junsu says to me, "so she doesn't trust me."
That makes me laugh despite my dark mood. "Honey," I say, wrapping an arm around Junsu's waist, "the worst this man can do to Sooyoung is give her a bad haircut while she sleeps."
"I would never!" Junsu protests. "Even if we were fighting, I'd stay professional."
Junsu works in a hair salon. He's so popular that I don't doubt he could start his own, but he loves it too much to leave. Sooyoung is one of his customers, that's how they became friends and ended up living together to share the rent. Changmin calls them 'the girls'.
When the actual girls are gone, Junsu pushes me down on the couch and says he'll get me something to drink. He takes a while and as I wait for him, I start to realise what I just did. I left Changmin, without giving him a clear explanation. Does this mean we're breaking up? Is that what I want?
When Junsu returns he's holding out a mug and I smell chocolate, but when he sees my face he puts it down on the coffee table and gives me a hug instead. I cling to him and he rubs my back. He doesn't even know the details yet and he's already making me feel a little better.
Junsu is the only man I'm this affectionate with besides Changmin, and at least Changmin has always accepted that. Junsu and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. We've tried being more than that, but it didn't work out. Changmin knows this. I'm sure he'd be more jealous otherwise.
"Okay," Junsu says. He lets go of me and sits back, giving me a serious look. "I'm not asking you this because I think it's a possibility, but because it's my duty as your friend. Did he do something to hurt you?"
"No," I say immediately. I left because I'm unhappy with our relationship, but not because Changmin has been unfaithful or hit me or forced himself onto me. I know that he would never something like that.
"Did he tell you he doesn't love you anymore and he never wants to see you again?"
"No." He has never said that. At least, not out loud.
Junsu sighs and shakes his head. "Then what are you doing here?"
"We're always fighting, Su, and he never listens to me. We're just.." my voice drops to a whisper. This is something I have never said out loud, "not going to work out."
"You're being stupid." Junsu sits back and crosses his arms. It's clear that this is his final judgement.
"But we're always fighting," I say, sounding desperate now, "that just can't be good."
"Actually, I've read somewhere that most long-time couples with a history of bickering have worked out their problems and are more likely to be in stable marriages than people who never fight," Junsu says.
I'm mad at him too now. How can he have more confidence in us than I do? I don't feel like our fights help us work out any problems. Are they even real fights if Changmin doesn't fight back? That's exactly the problem.
"You and Kyuhyun didn't work out either," I say. "Why is this different?"
Pain flashes over Junsu's face, and I feel sorry. But he quickly composes himself. "Because you are different. Breaking up with Kyuhyun hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. Are you saying you won't regret breaking up with Changmin?"
"I.." it hurts just to think about it. I can't imagine a life without Changmin. But isn't that just because I've grown so used to having him around?
"Your thinking time is up," Junsu says, "yes, you'd regret it."
I don't know why I'm so desperate to prove that the decision I made tonight was the right one. "He just.. annoys me so much! That can't be good. He got weird over Heechul just being Heechul today! It's so frustrating."
Junsu just looks at me, unimpressed. "Why don't you tell me what is really bothering you?"
What is really bothering me?
Junsu probably knows that I don't have an answer for him, because he keeps talking. "Is this really all Changmin's fault? Have you discussed your feelings with him, reasonably, without yelling?"
I grab my hot chocolate and take a sip.
Junsu shakes his head. "You love each other, you're perfect together, you both just need to work on your relationship a bit." He pauses for a moment, then continues: "And I know just the place to do that. I found something a while ago, hold on." He turns around and starts to go through a pile of magazines and folders.
"Oh no, Su," I say, putting down my mug again, "no way. You're not sending us to couples therapy or something ridiculous like that."
"Why not?" Junsu says over his shoulder. "Sounds to me like you're a married couple on the brink of divorce. As your best friend it's my responsibility to keep you from making the wrong decision."
I'm about to protest again but Junsu waves a flyer in my face. "This. It's perfect."
I grab it with the intention of ripping it up, but the unusual image on the front captures my eye. I'd expected a picture of the perfect happy couple, hugging and smiling at each other, not a dark, intimidating building. I take a closer look. "A castle?"
Junsu nods. "It's not an actual couples therapy thing. But it's.. well, not quite the same thing. It's a haunted castle. You can stay there for a couple of days, go on ghost tours and stuff. It'll be like a short holiday."
"What?" I stare at the picture and turn it around to read the back. Bold text promotes it as 'the scariest experience of your life'. I'm not sure how that is supposed to sound appealing, or even remotely romantic. "How is this.. what?"
"You should go there, with Changmin. It's the perfect kind of therapy for you. I came up with that idea myself." Junsu sounds proud.
"You want us to go on a holiday? That's the worst therapy. We'll be around each other all day and fight more than usual."
"Which means that when you get through it, you'll know that you can handle a serious relationship. Besides, it's a haunted castle. It'll have the added value of being a scary situation you have to face together."
I stare at him. "Are you saying you expect me to be so scared that I'll jump into Changmin's arms, realise how much I love him and live happily ever after?"
"Exactly." Junsu smiles. "I think I hear the girls at the door. Do you want to go back to your man or will you hang out with us tonight and sleep on the couch?"
I can't focus on my work. I don't know how long I've been sitting in my office, staring at my desk. I'm not waiting for my phone to ring, because that would just be sad and prove that I can't live without Changmin or something.
I chose to stay with Junsu, of course. There was no way I could face Changmin again last night. How pathetic is it to run out like that and then come back an hour later?
I still couldn't face him this morning, so I went straight to the coffee shop. I've heard nothing from him, no message or call, but I haven't sent anything either. Maybe we were both waiting.
There's a knock on my door, which startles me. Heechul's head appears before I get the chance to say anything. "Someone is complaining about the coffee and asked for the manager," he says with a pointed look.
I sigh. "You can just tell me it's him."
"He told me not to. He's afraid you won't come." Heechul gives me a curious look now. "I know it's none of my business, but-"
"It's none of your business."
"Right." Heechul pouts and says he'll go back to his work, which I know he thinks consists of flirting with customers.
Changmin has done this before, pretend to be an angry customer. He did it just a few days after my promotion. I was mad at him then because it had made me so worried that something was really wrong and I'd have to fix it, but we laughed about it later.
I'm going to meet him now. I still don't know what to say, but hiding in my office definitely isn't an option, also because Junsu will kick me out if he hears that's how hard I'm working on solving my problems.
I know where to look. Changmin likes to sit in a corner, so no one can stare at him behind his back, and he's close to a window, because he's the quiet, daydreaming type. He looks good, suited up for work. This has to be his lunch break. That means I wasted my entire morning.
I catch myself searching for signs of weariness on his face as I approach, proof that he wasn't able to sleep after I left. I couldn't sleep, and it wasn't because of Junsu's old couch. Changmin's face reveals nothing, but I know from experience that he's good at hiding his pain.
He doesn't look up until I'm standing in front of him, and then he takes another sip of his espresso before putting it down. I take a seat and look into his eyes. They are a bit guarded, but not angry. "You're not mad at me," I say. It sounds like a question.
"I'm not mad," Changmin says. "You haven't done anything to provoke me. You're not my possession. I can't force you to stay with me, and I don't have the right to be mad at you if you choose to leave, though I admit I'm not happy with the way you did it."
It sounds a bit apathetic, probably unintentionally, but it makes me angry. "Are you glad then? Is this what you want?"
Hurt flashes over Changmin's face. "Of course not. Jae, can I ask you to tell me what I've done wrong? Or does that make it worse? Can I fix it?"
That hurts. I feel like a heartless bastard all of a sudden. "I don't know," I answer truthfully, to all of the questions.
"Do I not even deserve a better answer than that? If what I've done is so wrong, at least give me a chance to say I'm sorry. Even if it's just that you don't love me anymore. I wish I could apologise for that."
This is the first time we're seriously talking about breaking up without me yelling and Changmin walking away from it, and it's scarier than I could imagine. Changmin has never before sounded like this, so.. I don't have a word for it. So different from my confident boyfriend.
I know I need to give him something, for my own benefit as well. I'm about to tell him that he should apologise for being jealous of Heechul of all people - like he thinks I would seriously leave him for someone who doesn't even remember the names of the men and women he slept with last week.
But then that would make it sound like his one comment about Heechul is what caused me to make this decision, which is just as ridiculous.
"I'm just not sure.. if we're together for the right reasons anymore."
".. what are the wrong reasons?"
"Just.. because we're used to it, and because it's better than being alone."
Changmin is looking at me very intently now. It makes me uncomfortable. "That's all there is to us for you?"
He has me trapped there. Why does he have to be so smart? Why can't he just tell me he still loves me?
Part of me knows I wouldn't be satisfied even if he did. I would never know if it'd be sincere or mostly because he's afraid to lose me. Changmin probably knows this.
"No. I don't know. What about you?"
"I don't think there is anything wrong with why I want to be with you. Even if part of it is that it's better than being alone. Because I know that I'd much rather be alone than with someone I don't love."
What do I say to that? It's perfect. This is when I pull him over the table for a passionate kiss, shout to the bar that I'm taking the rest of the day off and drag him home for an afternoon of hot steamy sex.
But this is not a movie. And I know that something about us doesn't feel quite right for me, even if I can't put my finger on it.
"That didn't change your mind," Changmin observes.
I shake my head.
Changmin closes his eyes and breathes deeply. You might think he's angry and trying to calm himself down, but I know that he does this when he doesn't know what to do, when he feels helpless.
"Junsu says we should go to this haunted castle as a form of therapy, how ridiculous is that?" I say, not because I think we should do it, but because I desperately want to have something to laugh about together.
Changmin doesn't laugh but looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "I think our friends have teamed up, because Minho just told me the same thing."
I scoff. "We need to find better friends. This is a crazy idea."
"Let's do it," Changmin says.
"What?"
"Let's go." He actually sounds serious. "I mean it. I can get a few days off, I could use a break, and even if it doesn't help our relationship.. what do we have to lose?"
"What if I don't want to go on holiday with the person I'm about to break up with?"
There, I said the words. I don't feel relieved or anything. Just empty, and a bit surprised by myself. And also.. not so sure anymore.
"Give me a reason," Changmin says, "give me a clear, understandable explanation why you want to leave me. I'll accept anything as long as it's more specific than 'I have this vague feeling that something is not quite right'. But if you can't, give me this chance."
He seems to have regained his confidence, I can't help but like it.
And I guess we're going to a haunted castle.
2. The Forest and the Fog.