It's you 16/19
Title: It's You
Pairings: JaeChun, Jaejoong/Seon Woong (Epik High's Tablo), HoSu
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yoochun loves Jaejoong. Jaejoong loves Seon Woong. Seon Woong is not who he pretends to be. Yoochun is Jaejoong's brother.
Warnings: Incest, Drugs, Violence, (attempted) Rape. Angst.
For dexterka92, who also made the poster ♥
16. We're in this together
Jaejoong was desperately searching his head for reasons.
What was he thinking?
Right.
After watching Yunho and Junsu he’d felt the urge to tell Yoochun about his feelings.
Maybe they could just... talk this out. Maybe Yoochun would tell him that this was a phase and that he’d get over it.
No... that wasn’t true. He didn’t really want that. Or maybe he did. He didn’t know. He just...
Talking would be so difficult. He used to tell Yoochun everything, but this... where did he start?
He’d remembered how amazing even a simple one-sided kiss had felt.
He’d seen, no, thought that he’d seen Yoochun lean closer, although he had no idea how a signal that vague could have led him to believe that...
And then his body had decided to just skip the talking.
Now there was a civil war going on in is mind.
He wanted this, he wanted Yoochun to accept him like this and to kiss him back and make his heart stop and his lips tingle.
He also wanted to pull back immediately and stammer an apology. Maybe he could say that the mattress dipped when Yoochun sat up and he just fell forward, that it was an accident. Maybe he could even get away with saying it was a joke.
But then he’d never, ever know if Yoochun could... if Yoochun might feel the same.
Of course he didn’t, what an impossible thing to hope for.
But what if...
This was a chance, maybe his last. If he’d turn this into a joke, he’d never find the courage to try to talk about this.
So his heart kept racing and his lips stayed against Yoochun’s frozen ones.
So far Yoochun hadn’t pulled back yet and Jaejoong squeezed his eyes shut tighter, hoping, and hoping more.
He was so focused - too focused - on Yoochun’s reaction, that when he felt one, a tiny movement of his lips, he had no idea if it had been to move away or to press closer.
His heart felt like it was going to give out soon, so he chose the one that seemed safest. He didn’t want to do more damage than he possibly already had.
He jolted away and jumped up.
When he finally succeeded in forcing himself to look down he found Yoochun staring up at him with wide eyes, lips parted slightly.
There was no way he’d convince him that this had been a joke now, a kiss that long.
Jaejoong opened his mouth, to say something, anything, to make the more than awkward silence go away. But no sound came out. Yoochun didn’t say anything either.
He hadn’t felt a positive response from Yoochun, he wasn’t hearing one either and he couldn’t even speak anymore himself. The only logical thing left to do was run.
He’d barely turned around when he heard movement behind him. He was halfway through his first step when arms encircled his waist and pulled him back against a warm body.
“Don’t go”, Yoochun’s voice was weak and demanding at the same time. Pleading?
He was squeezed a little too hard.
Yoochun... Yoochun was mad. That had to be it.
Jaejoong was about to start begging for forgiveness when Yoochun’s voice reached his ears again, almost desperate now. “Always together, you promised.”
Jaejoong moved his hands to Yoochun’s wrists to pull them away from his body. Not to run away anymore, but because he wanted to turn around, and because he wanted to breathe.
Yoochun’s hands were shaking.
Jaejoong turned around and faced him. The little flame of hope inside him, that he thought was dead and locked away in darkness forever, flickered.
“W-why? Why d-did you do that?” Yoochun asked.
Jaejoong gave up on trying to read the emotions on Yoochun’s voice. He would probably just keep seeing the things he wanted to see.
As for the question. Could Yoochun really not come up with an answer himself? Why would anyone kiss anyone else like that?
Maybe the problem was that Jaejoong wasn’t just anyone, and Yoochun wasn’t just anyone else. Yes, that was definitely a problem.
Jaejoong had realised that morning. But realising on your own, and deciding to keep silent about it, is different from seeing it confirmed in the eyes of the person you most wanted to keep it from. Yoochun realised too.
“It’s okay... t-take your time. But I.. I.. tell me, please, Jae, t-talk to me.”
Jaejoong looked at Yoochun and begged with his eyes to not have to say this out loud. Yoochun should have figured it out himself by now.
Then he covered his face with his hands and sank down. He wanted to hide his tears from Yoochun, but at the same time he wanted him to see him cry. At least Yoochun would see that he was sorry for feeling this way, for most likely ruining their relationship because they would never feel comfortable around each other again.
His hands were yanked away and his body was pulled forward before his knees even hit the ground, and just like that he was crying against Yoochun’s chest.
He tried to get away, but Yoochun’s hands fisted his shirt and kept him in place. Soon Jaejoong gave up and just cried.
“I know how it feels”, Yoochun whispered.
Jaejoong stopped shaking.
“I know it hurts.”
Jaejoong held his breath.
“But you don’t have to feel ashamed. You don’t have to feel like you’re doing something wrong.” Yoochun let out a small chuckle. “Funny how that’s exactly how I felt for years, desperately searching for reasons to prove myself wrong without any success, and now that I look at you going through the same the answer seems so simple. No one has the right to judge what you feel.”
Jaejoong pulled back from the hug, shocked. Yoochun let him.
He still couldn’t finds words to say and as the silence continued Yoochun’s face grew worried.
He was afraid he’d misunderstood...
Jaejoong quickly pressed his face against his chest again.
Yoochun wrapped his arms around him. “For how long?” he whispered.
Jaejoong was still repeating ‘that’s exactly how I felt for years’ in his head. Had Yoochun really...?
“Since this morning”, he whispered back. Whispering was easier than talking, it almost felt like he wasn’t saying anything at all, when he really was. “But actually longer.” He thought back to all the times Yoochun had been there for him, saved him, when they were children. Had it started then? Unconsciously?
Jaejoong lifted his head and looked into Yoochun’s eyes. Neither of them had really said anything yet. They could well be talking about two different things.
But he knew they weren’t, he knew Yoochun. But years... Yoochun had managed to hide something from him for years?
He suddenly gasped. “D-did you... when S-Seon Woong?”
Yoochun only nodded, but Jaejoong saw the change in his eyes, the pain of a bad memory.
“You should have said something.”
“What?” Yoochun looked surprised.
“You should have just told me that.. that you... I would have chosen you.”
It looked like Yoochun didn’t believe him, but he didn’t say anything. He stood up and when he was pulled along Jaejoong realised that they had been sitting on the floor.
Yoochun pushed him down on his bed and sat next to him. He was staring at the opposite wall and pretending to be calm, but Jaejoong saw his still slightly shaking hands and knew how nervous he was.
“D-do you choose me now?”
That was the sentence that really shook Jaejoong’s brain awake. Like the realisation hit him only now that Yoochun. liked. him. back.
He turned and wanted to curl into Yoochun’s chest again, but he hesitated. Yoochun pulled him the rest of the way, against him.
He should be happy. He was. But he hadn’t expected this, he hadn’t had time to prepare, to think it over.
He was overwhelmed.
== == == ==
Yoochun had to calm down.
He thought that when it would turn out that Jaejoong felt the same - yes, he had dreamed - he would feel ecstatic, and he did, but not just that.
He was worried, because Jaejoong seemed torn between excepting this and trying to run away from it. He didn’t want to lose him like this. But he didn’t want to force him into anything either.
He had to calm down and comfort him. He wrapped his arms tighter around his brother’s shoulders and moved a bit further back on the bed, still holding him.
“Jae, what I wanted to tell you earlier was that I like you as more than a brother. But I will still like you if you don’t want... Nothing has to change. I don’t want to take away your chance of a normal relationship so if you fall in love with someone else and I’ve made sure he’ll take good care of you, I would accept-”
Jaejoong abruptly pushed away from him “Stop! Stop being so... so selfless! You have feelings too, right?”
“Yes... for you.” Yoochun said quietly.
“But I hurt them!”
“You didn’t know...”
“I’m still sorry.”
Yoochun sighed but suddenly couldn’t hold back a smile. Jaejoong shot him a questioning look.
“So you.. you really feel the same?”
Jaejoong lowered his eyes. “I wanted to kiss you”, he mumbled.
Yoochun’s smile widened and he shook his head. “What is wrong with us?”
“.. what do you mean?”
“Why don’t we seem happy about this?”
“Because the law is against us and our parents will kill us and I hurt you”, Jaejoong said matter-of-factly.
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Then why do I feel happy?”
Jaejoong pressed close to him again. “Is it okay to feel happy?”
Yoochun pulled him down to lie on the bed, on his side so they could face each other. "It is now. We can work it out together."
Jaejoong just looked at him with his beautiful eyes, for what could have been hours, and Yoochun felt his body fill with more happiness.
He’d expected to feel a sudden burst of joy and relief, and probably some disbelief, if Jaejoong would accept him. But instead it came slowly, like it took forever for the realisation to sink in.
And it wasn’t all carefree joy either.
It felt like those times you really look forward to something for a long time and feel disappointed when you finally get it. Not that he was disappointed, it just felt different than he’d expected.
Jaejoong liking him back wasn’t the end of the rainbow, it was more like a huge step on the journey towards it.
He was worried, about Jaejoong changing his mind, what if he was just a rebound?
Worried about what would happen now. Worried, definitely worried that if this relationship wouldn't work out, they'd never be the same again. He wanted Jaejoong to be his and his alone, but was he willing to risk the security of their natural bond?
They say love can ruin friendships. What about the bond with your twin? Isn't that just the strongest friendship out there?
Did the worrying ever stop?
Maybe it didn’t. But now they could worry about things together, like they had before, but.. more together.
Jaejoong was worried too, he could feel it.
But when he pulled him closer, he didn’t protest.
So even though the body against his was a bit tense, at least it was close. Finally.
And when Yoochun felt Jaejoong smile against his shoulder, he was more than determined to get rid of that worry and to never let go of his brother again.
Chapter 17: We'll work it out
Chapter 15: I have to tell you
Chapter 14: I kissed you
Chapter 13: You're an idiot
Chapter 12: You'll be okay
Chapter 11: I don't want to yell at you
Chapter 10 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 6
Chapter 5 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 1
Pairings: JaeChun, Jaejoong/Seon Woong (Epik High's Tablo), HoSu
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yoochun loves Jaejoong. Jaejoong loves Seon Woong. Seon Woong is not who he pretends to be. Yoochun is Jaejoong's brother.
Warnings: Incest, Drugs, Violence, (attempted) Rape. Angst.
For dexterka92, who also made the poster ♥
16. We're in this together
Jaejoong was desperately searching his head for reasons.
What was he thinking?
Right.
After watching Yunho and Junsu he’d felt the urge to tell Yoochun about his feelings.
Maybe they could just... talk this out. Maybe Yoochun would tell him that this was a phase and that he’d get over it.
No... that wasn’t true. He didn’t really want that. Or maybe he did. He didn’t know. He just...
Talking would be so difficult. He used to tell Yoochun everything, but this... where did he start?
He’d remembered how amazing even a simple one-sided kiss had felt.
He’d seen, no, thought that he’d seen Yoochun lean closer, although he had no idea how a signal that vague could have led him to believe that...
And then his body had decided to just skip the talking.
Now there was a civil war going on in is mind.
He wanted this, he wanted Yoochun to accept him like this and to kiss him back and make his heart stop and his lips tingle.
He also wanted to pull back immediately and stammer an apology. Maybe he could say that the mattress dipped when Yoochun sat up and he just fell forward, that it was an accident. Maybe he could even get away with saying it was a joke.
But then he’d never, ever know if Yoochun could... if Yoochun might feel the same.
Of course he didn’t, what an impossible thing to hope for.
But what if...
This was a chance, maybe his last. If he’d turn this into a joke, he’d never find the courage to try to talk about this.
So his heart kept racing and his lips stayed against Yoochun’s frozen ones.
So far Yoochun hadn’t pulled back yet and Jaejoong squeezed his eyes shut tighter, hoping, and hoping more.
He was so focused - too focused - on Yoochun’s reaction, that when he felt one, a tiny movement of his lips, he had no idea if it had been to move away or to press closer.
His heart felt like it was going to give out soon, so he chose the one that seemed safest. He didn’t want to do more damage than he possibly already had.
He jolted away and jumped up.
When he finally succeeded in forcing himself to look down he found Yoochun staring up at him with wide eyes, lips parted slightly.
There was no way he’d convince him that this had been a joke now, a kiss that long.
Jaejoong opened his mouth, to say something, anything, to make the more than awkward silence go away. But no sound came out. Yoochun didn’t say anything either.
He hadn’t felt a positive response from Yoochun, he wasn’t hearing one either and he couldn’t even speak anymore himself. The only logical thing left to do was run.
He’d barely turned around when he heard movement behind him. He was halfway through his first step when arms encircled his waist and pulled him back against a warm body.
“Don’t go”, Yoochun’s voice was weak and demanding at the same time. Pleading?
He was squeezed a little too hard.
Yoochun... Yoochun was mad. That had to be it.
Jaejoong was about to start begging for forgiveness when Yoochun’s voice reached his ears again, almost desperate now. “Always together, you promised.”
Jaejoong moved his hands to Yoochun’s wrists to pull them away from his body. Not to run away anymore, but because he wanted to turn around, and because he wanted to breathe.
Yoochun’s hands were shaking.
Jaejoong turned around and faced him. The little flame of hope inside him, that he thought was dead and locked away in darkness forever, flickered.
“W-why? Why d-did you do that?” Yoochun asked.
Jaejoong gave up on trying to read the emotions on Yoochun’s voice. He would probably just keep seeing the things he wanted to see.
As for the question. Could Yoochun really not come up with an answer himself? Why would anyone kiss anyone else like that?
Maybe the problem was that Jaejoong wasn’t just anyone, and Yoochun wasn’t just anyone else. Yes, that was definitely a problem.
Jaejoong had realised that morning. But realising on your own, and deciding to keep silent about it, is different from seeing it confirmed in the eyes of the person you most wanted to keep it from. Yoochun realised too.
“It’s okay... t-take your time. But I.. I.. tell me, please, Jae, t-talk to me.”
Jaejoong looked at Yoochun and begged with his eyes to not have to say this out loud. Yoochun should have figured it out himself by now.
Then he covered his face with his hands and sank down. He wanted to hide his tears from Yoochun, but at the same time he wanted him to see him cry. At least Yoochun would see that he was sorry for feeling this way, for most likely ruining their relationship because they would never feel comfortable around each other again.
His hands were yanked away and his body was pulled forward before his knees even hit the ground, and just like that he was crying against Yoochun’s chest.
He tried to get away, but Yoochun’s hands fisted his shirt and kept him in place. Soon Jaejoong gave up and just cried.
“I know how it feels”, Yoochun whispered.
Jaejoong stopped shaking.
“I know it hurts.”
Jaejoong held his breath.
“But you don’t have to feel ashamed. You don’t have to feel like you’re doing something wrong.” Yoochun let out a small chuckle. “Funny how that’s exactly how I felt for years, desperately searching for reasons to prove myself wrong without any success, and now that I look at you going through the same the answer seems so simple. No one has the right to judge what you feel.”
Jaejoong pulled back from the hug, shocked. Yoochun let him.
He still couldn’t finds words to say and as the silence continued Yoochun’s face grew worried.
He was afraid he’d misunderstood...
Jaejoong quickly pressed his face against his chest again.
Yoochun wrapped his arms around him. “For how long?” he whispered.
Jaejoong was still repeating ‘that’s exactly how I felt for years’ in his head. Had Yoochun really...?
“Since this morning”, he whispered back. Whispering was easier than talking, it almost felt like he wasn’t saying anything at all, when he really was. “But actually longer.” He thought back to all the times Yoochun had been there for him, saved him, when they were children. Had it started then? Unconsciously?
Jaejoong lifted his head and looked into Yoochun’s eyes. Neither of them had really said anything yet. They could well be talking about two different things.
But he knew they weren’t, he knew Yoochun. But years... Yoochun had managed to hide something from him for years?
He suddenly gasped. “D-did you... when S-Seon Woong?”
Yoochun only nodded, but Jaejoong saw the change in his eyes, the pain of a bad memory.
“You should have said something.”
“What?” Yoochun looked surprised.
“You should have just told me that.. that you... I would have chosen you.”
It looked like Yoochun didn’t believe him, but he didn’t say anything. He stood up and when he was pulled along Jaejoong realised that they had been sitting on the floor.
Yoochun pushed him down on his bed and sat next to him. He was staring at the opposite wall and pretending to be calm, but Jaejoong saw his still slightly shaking hands and knew how nervous he was.
“D-do you choose me now?”
That was the sentence that really shook Jaejoong’s brain awake. Like the realisation hit him only now that Yoochun. liked. him. back.
He turned and wanted to curl into Yoochun’s chest again, but he hesitated. Yoochun pulled him the rest of the way, against him.
He should be happy. He was. But he hadn’t expected this, he hadn’t had time to prepare, to think it over.
He was overwhelmed.
== == == ==
Yoochun had to calm down.
He thought that when it would turn out that Jaejoong felt the same - yes, he had dreamed - he would feel ecstatic, and he did, but not just that.
He was worried, because Jaejoong seemed torn between excepting this and trying to run away from it. He didn’t want to lose him like this. But he didn’t want to force him into anything either.
He had to calm down and comfort him. He wrapped his arms tighter around his brother’s shoulders and moved a bit further back on the bed, still holding him.
“Jae, what I wanted to tell you earlier was that I like you as more than a brother. But I will still like you if you don’t want... Nothing has to change. I don’t want to take away your chance of a normal relationship so if you fall in love with someone else and I’ve made sure he’ll take good care of you, I would accept-”
Jaejoong abruptly pushed away from him “Stop! Stop being so... so selfless! You have feelings too, right?”
“Yes... for you.” Yoochun said quietly.
“But I hurt them!”
“You didn’t know...”
“I’m still sorry.”
Yoochun sighed but suddenly couldn’t hold back a smile. Jaejoong shot him a questioning look.
“So you.. you really feel the same?”
Jaejoong lowered his eyes. “I wanted to kiss you”, he mumbled.
Yoochun’s smile widened and he shook his head. “What is wrong with us?”
“.. what do you mean?”
“Why don’t we seem happy about this?”
“Because the law is against us and our parents will kill us and I hurt you”, Jaejoong said matter-of-factly.
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Then why do I feel happy?”
Jaejoong pressed close to him again. “Is it okay to feel happy?”
Yoochun pulled him down to lie on the bed, on his side so they could face each other. "It is now. We can work it out together."
Jaejoong just looked at him with his beautiful eyes, for what could have been hours, and Yoochun felt his body fill with more happiness.
He’d expected to feel a sudden burst of joy and relief, and probably some disbelief, if Jaejoong would accept him. But instead it came slowly, like it took forever for the realisation to sink in.
And it wasn’t all carefree joy either.
It felt like those times you really look forward to something for a long time and feel disappointed when you finally get it. Not that he was disappointed, it just felt different than he’d expected.
Jaejoong liking him back wasn’t the end of the rainbow, it was more like a huge step on the journey towards it.
He was worried, about Jaejoong changing his mind, what if he was just a rebound?
Worried about what would happen now. Worried, definitely worried that if this relationship wouldn't work out, they'd never be the same again. He wanted Jaejoong to be his and his alone, but was he willing to risk the security of their natural bond?
They say love can ruin friendships. What about the bond with your twin? Isn't that just the strongest friendship out there?
Did the worrying ever stop?
Maybe it didn’t. But now they could worry about things together, like they had before, but.. more together.
Jaejoong was worried too, he could feel it.
But when he pulled him closer, he didn’t protest.
So even though the body against his was a bit tense, at least it was close. Finally.
And when Yoochun felt Jaejoong smile against his shoulder, he was more than determined to get rid of that worry and to never let go of his brother again.
Chapter 17: We'll work it out
Chapter 15: I have to tell you
Chapter 14: I kissed you
Chapter 13: You're an idiot
Chapter 12: You'll be okay
Chapter 11: I don't want to yell at you
Chapter 10 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 6
Chapter 5 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 1