(no subject)
tonight marked my 6th straight day working. i know that doesn't seem like a lot to some, but if you wait tables for a living, it feels like two whole weeks. i think about when i hosted at fleming's, working two weeks without a day off. i could do that easily now, but i'm glad i don't have to anymore. i've made a lot of money this week but you'd never know it. it's all going somewhere. it will be nice when the only place it goes is in the bank. as exhausted as i am right now, i know i need another job.
so far, i've been able to eat at work occasionally without gaining anything significant, but i think that's about to come to a screeching halt. the eating, that is. i've made a new meal plan for myself that i'm going to follow for the next month or so. i have my reservations about it but for some stupid reason i've been extremely thoughtless with regard to that as of late and it's time to stop. part of this plan involves going back to my list of safe foods, and sticking to it. right now this plan has my largest allotted caloric intake towards the end of the week and during the weekend, but i think that may need to be reversed, with my largest amounts in the beginning/middle of the week. the reason for this is that i almost always work the entire weekend, every weekend. we're so busy i don't eat much anyway, and if i do, it's when i get off work, aka entirely too late to be eating, and it's almost always something from work, aka something i shouldn't be eating under any circumstances. i'm going to try the plan the way it is for a week or two and see how it works. if it sucks i'll just reverse the day sand it should work better that way. i'm kind of afraid because my metabolism is so shot already but i'm so fuckiing frustrated with maintaining a weight that isn't disgusting, but is still too much. phase two is daily exercise. i'm seriously debating cancelling my gym membership despite this. i hardly ever go anymore and really, i just need to start running again. best cardio ever. running, pushups, crunches. i don't really need much else for the time being, plus it's 20 bucks a month i'm essentially throwing away and god knows i can't really do that right now. phase three is tentative and involves getting back into prolonged fasts, but i don't know that i can deal with that anymore. the longest i went last month wasn't even my all-time longest and i still wanted to die when it was over. i just don't think i came off of it very well is all. who knows. if i'm going to do it though, i need to do it as much as possible in order to satisfy myself before school starts because fasting during the semester is a bad, bad idea. i had to learn that the hard way my first semester here, and even a little bit last semester as well. i know exactly what this is about right now, why i'm being triggered so much. it's because i'm in a position right now where i need to take control of the situation and make a very, very hard decision that i really, truly do not want to make. so instead, this is what i'm controlling and these are the decisions i'm making. i can see it, i know why this happens. so why can't i stop?
this is becoming a journal almost exclusively about my disorder. i realize this, and i know that it's got to be boring/trying/upsetting/awkward for the people on my friends list who don't have one or don't care about it at all. i should just make a filter i guess because i know i must sound completely insane to the lot of you.
magrudergrind is playing at my house tonight with wasteland dc, schmegma and phoenix bodies. hopefully it will be a good show. i hope phoenix bodies plays well. things have not been so great with them lately and even though it's not my band, i still feel for all of them and want the best for everyone. i just think that the way EVERYONE in the band is reacting to each new situation they're presented with is wrong for a myriad of different reasons. this sounds TERRIBLE, but i wish they'd just break up already and get it over with. no one's happy anymore. i probably shouldn't be talking about this, it's not even my band. MMM SCENE GOSSIP. not really in the mood to have a bunch of dirty grind kids at my house all night, nor am i in the mood to cook for them as i've been asked to do. oh well.
i have to be at derek's parent's house at noon. i'm going over there to visit with his brother jason and jason's wife, cindy. they live in boston. i like them a little better than derek's sister brenda and her husband rob. they're great people to be sure, but a little too jesus-y for me to handle. their kids are adorable though. i should get some sleep so that i can properly deal with jason and his huge, triple doctorate brain.
so far, i've been able to eat at work occasionally without gaining anything significant, but i think that's about to come to a screeching halt. the eating, that is. i've made a new meal plan for myself that i'm going to follow for the next month or so. i have my reservations about it but for some stupid reason i've been extremely thoughtless with regard to that as of late and it's time to stop. part of this plan involves going back to my list of safe foods, and sticking to it. right now this plan has my largest allotted caloric intake towards the end of the week and during the weekend, but i think that may need to be reversed, with my largest amounts in the beginning/middle of the week. the reason for this is that i almost always work the entire weekend, every weekend. we're so busy i don't eat much anyway, and if i do, it's when i get off work, aka entirely too late to be eating, and it's almost always something from work, aka something i shouldn't be eating under any circumstances. i'm going to try the plan the way it is for a week or two and see how it works. if it sucks i'll just reverse the day sand it should work better that way. i'm kind of afraid because my metabolism is so shot already but i'm so fuckiing frustrated with maintaining a weight that isn't disgusting, but is still too much. phase two is daily exercise. i'm seriously debating cancelling my gym membership despite this. i hardly ever go anymore and really, i just need to start running again. best cardio ever. running, pushups, crunches. i don't really need much else for the time being, plus it's 20 bucks a month i'm essentially throwing away and god knows i can't really do that right now. phase three is tentative and involves getting back into prolonged fasts, but i don't know that i can deal with that anymore. the longest i went last month wasn't even my all-time longest and i still wanted to die when it was over. i just don't think i came off of it very well is all. who knows. if i'm going to do it though, i need to do it as much as possible in order to satisfy myself before school starts because fasting during the semester is a bad, bad idea. i had to learn that the hard way my first semester here, and even a little bit last semester as well. i know exactly what this is about right now, why i'm being triggered so much. it's because i'm in a position right now where i need to take control of the situation and make a very, very hard decision that i really, truly do not want to make. so instead, this is what i'm controlling and these are the decisions i'm making. i can see it, i know why this happens. so why can't i stop?
this is becoming a journal almost exclusively about my disorder. i realize this, and i know that it's got to be boring/trying/upsetting/awkward for the people on my friends list who don't have one or don't care about it at all. i should just make a filter i guess because i know i must sound completely insane to the lot of you.
magrudergrind is playing at my house tonight with wasteland dc, schmegma and phoenix bodies. hopefully it will be a good show. i hope phoenix bodies plays well. things have not been so great with them lately and even though it's not my band, i still feel for all of them and want the best for everyone. i just think that the way EVERYONE in the band is reacting to each new situation they're presented with is wrong for a myriad of different reasons. this sounds TERRIBLE, but i wish they'd just break up already and get it over with. no one's happy anymore. i probably shouldn't be talking about this, it's not even my band. MMM SCENE GOSSIP. not really in the mood to have a bunch of dirty grind kids at my house all night, nor am i in the mood to cook for them as i've been asked to do. oh well.
i have to be at derek's parent's house at noon. i'm going over there to visit with his brother jason and jason's wife, cindy. they live in boston. i like them a little better than derek's sister brenda and her husband rob. they're great people to be sure, but a little too jesus-y for me to handle. their kids are adorable though. i should get some sleep so that i can properly deal with jason and his huge, triple doctorate brain.