felt like garbage todayyy
THATS ALL
my attitude majorly crashed. i felt kind of fantastic yesterday and today i feel confused and lost, i want things to move in one direction but its always up and down. couldn't run more than a mile and a half today before my heart started feeling weird. ate too much junk food. then... sat around... all day. at least i finished my very, very overdue commissions (one more left) and did a few gift things i'd promised people. my fortune cookie told me that giving a gift to someone today would be very meaningful to them or something so... i drew things.
and i sat in the rain with the dog. one of the neighbors came by, a young girl, kind of startled me. she had a big stick and wanted to get a t-shirt off our roof? it was kind of odd. i just sort of watched her climb all over our porch, struggling to reach the shirt which was way, way up there. i went inside to try to get it from the window but couldn't get the screen off... it was weird. i dont know why i'm reporting this.
tomorrow... back in the game i hope. work, work out, work at nature center, then... work on other things. mom wants me to paint. i'm afraid of them seeing the crap i know i have to make, the crap i have to make before i figure out how to make anything good. i found a ragged, beat up bible on our bookshelf and i'd like to read it but i'm also afraid of what they'd think of that. in a sort of funny way i think they'd worry about me if i did. just as they'd worry about me if they saw what i want to paint right now. so i'm afraid of making them worry...
i just want this year to be good, and normal, for them.
talking to people online, being reminded of how lame i've been in the past. recent and long ago too. i dont get it, i think i'm just an awful friend. i want to be perfect. stupid virgo in me!
pey are we hanging out this sunday...? need to knooooooooooow
my attitude majorly crashed. i felt kind of fantastic yesterday and today i feel confused and lost, i want things to move in one direction but its always up and down. couldn't run more than a mile and a half today before my heart started feeling weird. ate too much junk food. then... sat around... all day. at least i finished my very, very overdue commissions (one more left) and did a few gift things i'd promised people. my fortune cookie told me that giving a gift to someone today would be very meaningful to them or something so... i drew things.
and i sat in the rain with the dog. one of the neighbors came by, a young girl, kind of startled me. she had a big stick and wanted to get a t-shirt off our roof? it was kind of odd. i just sort of watched her climb all over our porch, struggling to reach the shirt which was way, way up there. i went inside to try to get it from the window but couldn't get the screen off... it was weird. i dont know why i'm reporting this.
tomorrow... back in the game i hope. work, work out, work at nature center, then... work on other things. mom wants me to paint. i'm afraid of them seeing the crap i know i have to make, the crap i have to make before i figure out how to make anything good. i found a ragged, beat up bible on our bookshelf and i'd like to read it but i'm also afraid of what they'd think of that. in a sort of funny way i think they'd worry about me if i did. just as they'd worry about me if they saw what i want to paint right now. so i'm afraid of making them worry...
i just want this year to be good, and normal, for them.
talking to people online, being reminded of how lame i've been in the past. recent and long ago too. i dont get it, i think i'm just an awful friend. i want to be perfect. stupid virgo in me!
pey are we hanging out this sunday...? need to knooooooooooow