Caring takes too much out of me
#22- Sometimes Numb is Good
Its been almost 2 weeks now that I got on Zoloft and I gotta say I think its starting to work. I have become pretty much indifferent to well, just about everything. I feel myself just not caring and I am ok with that. I really haven't gotten angry or sad or obsessed about anything lately. I sorta got mad at one of the pharmacists the other day and it lasted like 2 minutes if that. I then realised I didnt actually care enough to be pissed off. Fuck it, thats what I thought. Why should I let him ruin my mood?. I wasn't in a particularly good mood to begin with but I also didn't want to be mad. So I just stopped myself from getting all worked up. Just.Like.That. HA! Pretty cool eh?
Also the drama with Jeremy has ended. Last Sunday he text me while I was at church and said he missed me and could we please just start acting normal again. I had already let it go. That night at church they were talking about forgiveness. Like real forgiveness meaning you let it go. No throwing things up in peoples face when youre angry just forgive and try to forget basically. And I realised that night thats what I really wanted. To just stop carrying that around. Stop trying to punish Jeremy for screwing up. He wasn't perfect but neither am I. And I just can't keep getting mad at him for the same things over and over again. Its exhausting. And why get mad really? Why bother. It is what it is. We aren't together anymore anyway. He doesn't love me like that and I just gotta learn to deal with that if I want to keep him as a friend, and I guess I do. Cos I miss him when we fight.
Also weirdest thing ever he actually apologised for the Amanda thing. We were having a discussion about something I keep at his house. I asked him where was it and he had it hidden. I asked why was it hidden and he said it was still hidden from the while he was messing with the supertramp. I almost got sad when it came out that way cos there it was another ugly truth. It wasn't just the one day this time (I kinda knew already anyway). But hearing it made it sting a bit. He then said he wished he never had of messed with her. That all it did was cause problems with us. Then said there had been no reason for it. Thats actually very unlike Jeremy. He never ever makes apologies for things like that. He usually gets defensive and tells me things like I can't get mad cos he isn't my boyfriend. He isn't and I shouldn't care what he does period. It's just complicated. Hoping the pills will increase this effect of indifference and just help me to accept things that I can't change.
The only things I am not loving about these pills are I am sleepy like all the time now. I fall asleep much earlier and its really hard to wake up. Like REALLY. Also I think its making sex less exciting. I still want to but the other night I did and it was just OK, kinda just eh. Still its a small price to pay for not being a crazy emotional bitch.