"You were strong and I was not. My illusion, my mistake. I was careless, I forgot..."
#19 - So tired of always being put last. You say I am one of your best friends, why don't I ever feel like I am?
My day started off fine and ended up with me picking yet another fight with him. Why cos I'm fucked up. I just wanted some damn company. I spent the whole day on my own doing things for me. It's just I am always so damn lonely. I dunno, I wish I could just get used to it. Cos its just me. I am alone. This is just the way that it is. I don't know why it should bother me so much but ,it just fucking kills me.
.
Its like at work all I want is people to leave me alone. To stop talking to me, stop bothering me and to just go away in general. And then I have one day off, shit not even the whole day and I am fucking desperate for someone. This didn't used to be me. I was fine on my own. I craved it infact. So now what? How much more of this can anyone really take? I'm like a time bomb, ready to go off at any minute. I always feel on the verge of tears. I feel constantly rejected and cast aside. I don't feel there is any one in my life who would just truly miss me if I was gone. I hate that no one needs me. I hate that I don't matter.
Its usually Jeremy that gets the blow up. Today I felt was just a repeat of last week. Where he just doesnt bother to tell me he will be off a certain day to avoid me. He doesn't admit to this. Its the way it feels. So much of what he does makes me feel rejected. Its cos its already there. He did it so often before it feels that way all the time now. I constantly feel not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not important enough. I feel if it were me and a stranger drowning and he could only save one it would be the stranger cos perhaps she would be hotter than me. I had to hear how hot every girl that ever crossed his path was. I could almost hear him add in his head (so much better than you). I feel constantly inferior. Like he went on a gameshow to win a sports car and all he got was a fucking toaster. Me, I'm the fucking toaster.