if it can be broke, then it can be fixed...all you need is time, all you need is time
I hide my desperation in my attitude, it lurks in my music, my clothes. I wear the things I say. It shows its face now and then...a reflection at the botttom of a cup of coffee. Mind over matter works for more than pain; hell you can convince yourself of anything, the question is then do you honestly want to convince yourself of anything or does that just make everything related to the subject nul & void. I once sat in this same seat and questioned myself enough that I swore I would find the essence of beauty, sadly after all was said and done the only thing I felt was beautiful was the thoughts. My newt houghts the ones i'm scrtching out onto a relatively new binder these pages and all the pages to come will be beatiful but do not consider me a writer for I have to much respect for my friends to do that. I'm just a man in love with himself in love with observing and reflection. the problem with this all though is the desperation. lately it's slipped out more; this need to find a companion, someone anyone that I can call on or talk to but not on an irregular basis, that is not to say that ryan and I can't have great conversations still, just that he chooses not to and that's not to say that ale isn't amazing to be around...just that it would feel wrong to get ahold of her day after day, but who else in milwaukee? how many bridges have I burned? Lord knows I make mistakes but how many bridges are there left to get me where I need to go? Oh how the ink from my pen scaring the face of my thoughts, the desperation shows in my writing more than anywhere else, the quick, crass storkes making each line, word, sound....it's repulsive. Where is it in me? how can I draw it out and vaquish this haste this carlessness this need to get everything out of my mind because my pant covered scared up weak at the joints body might just choose to keel over right now but...but what would the cute girl sipping tea journaling nowhere near as feverishly as me...what would she think of myt last thoughts, in my chicken scratch would she find it beautiful? would anyone? does it even fucking matter? you see I have this problem, I claim I live my life for the reationships but I don't seem to like anyone.
No..no..I just don't give anyone the chance, I take risks, get betrayed and kick the person out of my life...why? because 2nd chances hurt because it hurts so much more when you piece yourself back together to have the same fucker hit the part that will bring you to your knees and rip you appart from the inside out. You don't ignore the ones you care about you don't give money to show your love and you don't nearly hhit your son...this is after all aout my father. This is my baggage, this is what I bring to life what I'm caught up on that thing that you try oh so hard to ignore but it controls you. In my life that's my father I told him almost two years ago to not contact me, that i'm not his son because he was never a father and for those two fucking years I avoided him and now; now when his dumbass hits rock bottom I feel empathy? I don't get empathetic over the shit you bring on yourself why for him of all the people? So what does this mean? I've been thinking of contacting him thinking of giving him peace of mind... can't though..I don't know what I'd say why would I say anything? Saying "hey I heard your getting kicked out of the country" is probably not the best way to go. I don't know what i'm hoping for anyways the man shaped me though almost more than my mom do I just need some closure from an important figure in my life? do I want revenge? or do I just need a father?
another person i've been really hung up on lately is sophia, she had a huge part in keeping me sane my first year in milwaukee...but nothing much before or after that but she's so in and out of contact...she meant and means alot to me but I just don't know hotw to deal with such speradic contact...I never have...I suppose I have al lot to learn about relationships still but where to learn...and what?
No..no..I just don't give anyone the chance, I take risks, get betrayed and kick the person out of my life...why? because 2nd chances hurt because it hurts so much more when you piece yourself back together to have the same fucker hit the part that will bring you to your knees and rip you appart from the inside out. You don't ignore the ones you care about you don't give money to show your love and you don't nearly hhit your son...this is after all aout my father. This is my baggage, this is what I bring to life what I'm caught up on that thing that you try oh so hard to ignore but it controls you. In my life that's my father I told him almost two years ago to not contact me, that i'm not his son because he was never a father and for those two fucking years I avoided him and now; now when his dumbass hits rock bottom I feel empathy? I don't get empathetic over the shit you bring on yourself why for him of all the people? So what does this mean? I've been thinking of contacting him thinking of giving him peace of mind... can't though..I don't know what I'd say why would I say anything? Saying "hey I heard your getting kicked out of the country" is probably not the best way to go. I don't know what i'm hoping for anyways the man shaped me though almost more than my mom do I just need some closure from an important figure in my life? do I want revenge? or do I just need a father?
another person i've been really hung up on lately is sophia, she had a huge part in keeping me sane my first year in milwaukee...but nothing much before or after that but she's so in and out of contact...she meant and means alot to me but I just don't know hotw to deal with such speradic contact...I never have...I suppose I have al lot to learn about relationships still but where to learn...and what?