SPN Fic: 4 Times ... The Lost Myth of Normal (Gen, Pre-Series)

[dodger_winslow]

Title: Four Times the Winchesters Had to Move (And Once They Didn't): The Lost Myth of Normal
Author: Dodger Winslow
Genre: Gen, Pre-series
Rating: R for language
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, I'm just stalking them for a while ...

Summary (The Lost Myth of Normal): "I just wanted to stay in one place for awhile. It’s really hard to make

Comments

[lomer]

Oh Sammy! Okay as someone who IS a drama dork, I completely understand his panic (even beyond the crush.) Sometimes you have an understudy in theatre but a lot of times you don't, especially in school plays. If the show is about to open, Sam disappearing would basically screw over EVERYONE in the cast. Sam knows this. He feels a responsibility towards everyone (and doesn't nessisarily just want the attention of being the "lead".) The idea of leaving a show right before a run for any reason, gives me nightmares. I've done shows with broken limbs. My grandmother died and I did a musical that night. Its a cliche but "the show must go on", every actor clings to that. So Sam being forced to let everyone on the team down, that's what really gets me in this story.

Well that and the temporary shunning. My father liked to do that. Its a terrible feeling even when you're being a little snot who helped instigate it.

And I like that John owned up to his mistake here. Because he's human, he makes mistakes, but the fact that he can say "I screwed up. I'm sorry." That shows what kind of man John Winchester is.

[dodger_winslow]

And Sammy, with such an overwhelming sense of responsibility in the need to not let people down by being less than he has committed to being. Knowing a number of actors who feel very much as you do, and knowing both the backstories of Sammy as a drama dork and a soccer player, I could see how Dean's ferocious loyalty to his family might manifest in Sammy as a ferocious need to be part of a "team" of some sort. So his continual joining of school extra curricular activities is his attempt to find normalcy in becoming part of a family unit that is not his family. So I think that band-of-brothers aspect that comes into play for John and Dean with hunting and soldiering is relevant to Sammy in drama and sports, as he can vanish out of school and no one will suffer but him, but if he vanishes right before a play or when a game is on the line, HE WILL BE MISSED because the essential role only he can fill will be left vacant.

So for me, this is Sammy's version of Dean's terror of being invisible as addressed by Mrs. Jessup. In those stories, Dean is so afraid Mrs. Jessup will forget him, that she won't notice him, that he isn't important enough to be seen; and those things all reflect on his struggle to find who he is. So when I was writing this, I wanted to give Sammy some of those same dynamics; but where Dean was struggling to be seen by one person he deems worthy of judging him worthy or unworthy (a reflection of how he interacts with John); Sammy is struggling to become indespensible to, and thus seen by, a group of people he deems worthy to judge him normal (again, a reflection of how he does NOT cede John that worthy because John is not a capable judge of normal) in a fight to define his own identity as someone who fits in with the society from which he feels so isolated.

Add to that the fragility of seeing John and Dean's relationship and how often it turns on the concept of "girlfriends", and his "promise" made to a girl on the basis of protecting her virtue from humiliation; and you have Sammy both struggling to fit into society and to find a way to access what John and Dean share that he's too young to be included in at this point.

Which, to your point about shunning, makes John's choice to "go someplace I don't have to see you" to be the worst possible shattering of everything Sammy is struggling to hold onto. Not only can't you stay here and be seen by your friends and teammates/castmates; you also can't be seen by your family because you don't fit with us, either. Which is where Sammy's statement of "I'm not selfish, and I'm not a bastard" comes from. Really saying, "I deserve what I want, and I am a part of this family; and you saying otherwise is just you being a fuckwit."

I'm also pleased you bring up the point about John owning up to his own errors. One of the things I love about Sam and Dean's perception of their father is that he never apologize for anything even when he knows he's wrong. But yet, in so many instances, we see John owning up to his own failings, and his own mistakes. He is fearless in that regard, and considers it a point of honor to stand up and admit your mistakes when you make them (to the boys, at least, if not to Bobby, LOL); and equally reinforces that mindset in Sam and Dean by repeatedly telling them that its okay to make mistakes because that's the only way you learn.

So for John, he isn't really apologizing for being too hard on Sammy, or for being "wrong" in anything he did while in the thrall of that anger. Rather, he is apologizing for the two things he really DOES feel like he let Sammy down on: marking him in anger (both physically, with the bruises; and emotionally with the selfish remark ... both of which he conceeds are wrong choices and for which he apologizes) and not being able to give him the normal that he wants so badly ... something Sammy rightfully understands is something John feels he CAN'T give Sammy, not that he doesn't WANT to give it to Sammy.

As always, thanks so much for the feedback. I appreciate it.