Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed In Public by Dodger_Sister
It is sleeting out. I came out of physical therapy and it was sleeting. By the time I got in the car, I had ice chunks in my hair. Serious.
Anyways, I am back at physical therapy now. Last week I had my first appointment and the following conversation...
(Bear in mind that I have ranted at Kevin about Twilight before, which he thought was hysterical how worked up I got, and apparently his Office Manager is crazy about Edward).
The Office Manager of all the locations comes in and is complaining about some guy at one of the other clinics.
Kevin: Every time I see you, you are complaining about some guy who you can't even tell me why he bothers you so much. What is your problem with men lately? Maybe you should go live in Boston or San Fransisco. (idek, that makes no sense but he said 'Boston' with such disdain).
Me: No one should live in San Fransisco. It is full of damn dirty hippies.
OM: /laughs/ I just don't know why we have to put up with men.
Me: Technically, in this day and age, we don't actually need men.
Kevin: You need parts of men.
Me: You can order things on the internet that are equally as good, sweetheart.
Kevin: If you want to have babies, you need men.
OM: You can go to a clinic for that.
Kevin: You can't get the stuff from the clinic without a man to donate it.
Me: Valid. But we wouldn't have to interact with a man to get it.
A second of silence and then Kevin looks right at his Office Manager and says...
Kevin: So, you don't need Edward from Twilight for anything?
OM: Oh, I need Edward for all kinds of things.
Me: WHAT?! No. Edward is a controlling abusive boyfriend who teaches our teenage daughters horrible things about relationships and sex.
Kevin: Here we go.
OM: But he is so dreamy.
Me: That's Robert Pattinson that's dreamy. He's awesome, you should love Robert Pattinson. Edward is a manipulative stalker.
OM: But it's romantic.
Me: It's abusive.
Then I hear this snicker and I look over and Kevin is just smirking right at me and he says...
Kevin: You two aren't going to be best friends now, are you?
That sneaky son of a...
Then this Aide comes over.
Aide: You know what bugs me? Why is Bella such an idiot? I mean, how are these two guys fighting over her when she is so boring and stupid?
Me: She's a twat, is what you are saying?
OM: What?!
Me: You know how that book should have ended? Bella gets her face eaten off and Jacob and Edward run away together.
Aide: I don't know if I'd go that far.
Kevin: Wow. If those two dudes had a baby together, it would be like the best looking kid on the planet.
Me: It could happen.
Kevin: How?
Me: Vampires are supernatural. Werewolves are supernatural. You don't think there is a supernatural way for a man to have a baby?
Kevin: But...how...where...does the baby...I just keep trying to picture it.
OM: Wouldn't happen. Vampires and werewolves wouldn't crossbreed. Don't you know anything about their society?!
Aide: That Bella chick is going to be Snow White in the new movie.
OM: Which new movie? They are making two Snow Whites.
Me: The one with Ian McShane as a dwarf? That's the one I want.
Kevin: Who is Ian McShane?
Me: He was on Deadwood. I hope his dwarf character is all Al Swearengen.
Aide: I don't know Deadwood. I don't get HBO.
OM: You know what is good on HBO? True Blood.
Kevin: What's True Blood?
Me and the OM together: Vampire Porn.
Kevin: This just got weird. You, (to the aide) go work. You, (to the office manager) go home and watch your vampire porn before your kids get out of school.
I can't remember the last time I had a normal conversation with someone.
At today's appointment, Kevin and I talked about porn. No, really. I actually said the words, "a street gang of porn stealers". Idek. He started it.
I bet for a second there, he actually thought he missed me. And then I talked about werewolf/vampire mpreg.
ETA: Kevin just showed up at my door. I left my Nintendo DS and my IPod at the clinic so he came by the house to return them. I didn't answer the door because I was in my room playing my music too loud and I didn't hear the door knock. So he calls on the phone and is all, "Hey, don't you answer your door when people knock? It's freezing out here." Like he thinks he might freeze off important body parts or something.
Anyways, I am back at physical therapy now. Last week I had my first appointment and the following conversation...
(Bear in mind that I have ranted at Kevin about Twilight before, which he thought was hysterical how worked up I got, and apparently his Office Manager is crazy about Edward).
The Office Manager of all the locations comes in and is complaining about some guy at one of the other clinics.
Kevin: Every time I see you, you are complaining about some guy who you can't even tell me why he bothers you so much. What is your problem with men lately? Maybe you should go live in Boston or San Fransisco. (idek, that makes no sense but he said 'Boston' with such disdain).
Me: No one should live in San Fransisco. It is full of damn dirty hippies.
OM: /laughs/ I just don't know why we have to put up with men.
Me: Technically, in this day and age, we don't actually need men.
Kevin: You need parts of men.
Me: You can order things on the internet that are equally as good, sweetheart.
Kevin: If you want to have babies, you need men.
OM: You can go to a clinic for that.
Kevin: You can't get the stuff from the clinic without a man to donate it.
Me: Valid. But we wouldn't have to interact with a man to get it.
A second of silence and then Kevin looks right at his Office Manager and says...
Kevin: So, you don't need Edward from Twilight for anything?
OM: Oh, I need Edward for all kinds of things.
Me: WHAT?! No. Edward is a controlling abusive boyfriend who teaches our teenage daughters horrible things about relationships and sex.
Kevin: Here we go.
OM: But he is so dreamy.
Me: That's Robert Pattinson that's dreamy. He's awesome, you should love Robert Pattinson. Edward is a manipulative stalker.
OM: But it's romantic.
Me: It's abusive.
Then I hear this snicker and I look over and Kevin is just smirking right at me and he says...
Kevin: You two aren't going to be best friends now, are you?
That sneaky son of a...
Then this Aide comes over.
Aide: You know what bugs me? Why is Bella such an idiot? I mean, how are these two guys fighting over her when she is so boring and stupid?
Me: She's a twat, is what you are saying?
OM: What?!
Me: You know how that book should have ended? Bella gets her face eaten off and Jacob and Edward run away together.
Aide: I don't know if I'd go that far.
Kevin: Wow. If those two dudes had a baby together, it would be like the best looking kid on the planet.
Me: It could happen.
Kevin: How?
Me: Vampires are supernatural. Werewolves are supernatural. You don't think there is a supernatural way for a man to have a baby?
Kevin: But...how...where...does the baby...I just keep trying to picture it.
OM: Wouldn't happen. Vampires and werewolves wouldn't crossbreed. Don't you know anything about their society?!
Aide: That Bella chick is going to be Snow White in the new movie.
OM: Which new movie? They are making two Snow Whites.
Me: The one with Ian McShane as a dwarf? That's the one I want.
Kevin: Who is Ian McShane?
Me: He was on Deadwood. I hope his dwarf character is all Al Swearengen.
Aide: I don't know Deadwood. I don't get HBO.
OM: You know what is good on HBO? True Blood.
Kevin: What's True Blood?
Me and the OM together: Vampire Porn.
Kevin: This just got weird. You, (to the aide) go work. You, (to the office manager) go home and watch your vampire porn before your kids get out of school.
I can't remember the last time I had a normal conversation with someone.
At today's appointment, Kevin and I talked about porn. No, really. I actually said the words, "a street gang of porn stealers". Idek. He started it.
I bet for a second there, he actually thought he missed me. And then I talked about werewolf/vampire mpreg.
ETA: Kevin just showed up at my door. I left my Nintendo DS and my IPod at the clinic so he came by the house to return them. I didn't answer the door because I was in my room playing my music too loud and I didn't hear the door knock. So he calls on the phone and is all, "Hey, don't you answer your door when people knock? It's freezing out here." Like he thinks he might freeze off important body parts or something.