show someone your good side and they will paint it black
It is a struggle to live in a reality that i have created for myself. I will make judgments easily on those who appear before me. do i want them in my life? i am waiting on them. when will it happen? i am waiting for it. waiting for them to fall for me. the illusion. is this a love factor? i am not abandoning them. i am leaving without them asking me to. i am not playing the game. i will not put myself into the trap they have created for me. do i look like an idiot to you? do i look like a fool to be pushed?
i am innocent. i am loyal. i am everything you want me to be. i will play into your thoughts and your dreams. i will create who you want and put her in the mirror for you. will you accept me? i am giving you what you want. still, you are not accepting me. i am living by your rules. i am doing everything you ask me to. i am the design. you made me this. this person i can't stand and i still do it for you. i am a pushover to a certain extent.
there will be a moment of clarity. everyone till now has shown it to me. the option is there in front of them. i show you my vulnerability and you show me your shadow. i ignore it until you make it clear to me. i made a wrong decision choosing you. i was wrong. fuck. why did you have to show me the truth? why did you let it get back to me? how are you so stupid? i let you in and you let me see the true you. why? because you were done with me. i looked like someone you could dispose of. i was not valuable anymore to you. why? you could have used me to the end. it doesn't take someone who is smart to use me. why couldn't you do the same for me? i have become who you want me to be and ...why couldn't you do the same for me?
i realize now. love, doesn't work like that. friendship, doesn't work like that. i actually have to be myself for this to work. how? how can i get this to work? no one has ever asked me about myself. tiffini, what makes you happy? tiffini, what are your feelings? tiffini, (i genuinely give a shit). what now? i have to think? no. knowing yourself comes without thinking. i am suppose to just know right? know myself? where do i find it? like i am a subject, i am a test. i know from experience. experience tells me...nothing. i left them. all of them. in an instant. in that moment, i look at you and feel that there is nothing more to be taken from me, i am done. i will take my claws out of you and set you free. the moment you become a fake, i disown you. i might have not shown you the real me because i don't know who i am yet. but i never lied to you about my genuine feelings toward you. i will tell you everything you want to know without uncertainty lingering. you never judged my liking toward you. i was what you wanted. letting people view me as easy is a fault? fuck you. i never asked for your insincere play on words or judgment based off your idiotic fucking opinion.
i am innocent. i am loyal. i am everything you want me to be. i will play into your thoughts and your dreams. i will create who you want and put her in the mirror for you. will you accept me? i am giving you what you want. still, you are not accepting me. i am living by your rules. i am doing everything you ask me to. i am the design. you made me this. this person i can't stand and i still do it for you. i am a pushover to a certain extent.
there will be a moment of clarity. everyone till now has shown it to me. the option is there in front of them. i show you my vulnerability and you show me your shadow. i ignore it until you make it clear to me. i made a wrong decision choosing you. i was wrong. fuck. why did you have to show me the truth? why did you let it get back to me? how are you so stupid? i let you in and you let me see the true you. why? because you were done with me. i looked like someone you could dispose of. i was not valuable anymore to you. why? you could have used me to the end. it doesn't take someone who is smart to use me. why couldn't you do the same for me? i have become who you want me to be and ...why couldn't you do the same for me?
i realize now. love, doesn't work like that. friendship, doesn't work like that. i actually have to be myself for this to work. how? how can i get this to work? no one has ever asked me about myself. tiffini, what makes you happy? tiffini, what are your feelings? tiffini, (i genuinely give a shit). what now? i have to think? no. knowing yourself comes without thinking. i am suppose to just know right? know myself? where do i find it? like i am a subject, i am a test. i know from experience. experience tells me...nothing. i left them. all of them. in an instant. in that moment, i look at you and feel that there is nothing more to be taken from me, i am done. i will take my claws out of you and set you free. the moment you become a fake, i disown you. i might have not shown you the real me because i don't know who i am yet. but i never lied to you about my genuine feelings toward you. i will tell you everything you want to know without uncertainty lingering. you never judged my liking toward you. i was what you wanted. letting people view me as easy is a fault? fuck you. i never asked for your insincere play on words or judgment based off your idiotic fucking opinion.