[Again, L had been exploring. It was the only method of trying to find a way out...and L wanted out... He wanted to go back. The door opened, and he found himself peering into a strange, multicolored room. The walls and floor faded in and out with various slowly-changing colors--purples, deep blues, light blues, greens, yellows, oranges, reds, and
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Then he steps into the room that's decidedly not the library, and it all hits him, everything he's been pretending not to feel, for Matt's sake, but for his own, too: the worry, the grief, the guilt. Is Matt stuck in the mansion forever? Mello wanted better for him, should've been able to figure out a way for them to escape, a place they could go where his one damn second wouldn't matter. Now Matt doesn't even have one second, and he's going to have to deal with being dead sometime, and after B--which Mello is still sure was his fault--he's not sure they can handle it. If they can't... he'll be lost. Like he was after that last big fight, and fuck, he hates needing anyone. Spent his whole life making sure he didn't, in fact. But he needs Matt ( ... )
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And the door's gone.
And Mello's standing there, looking utterly miserable as he leans back against the wall, just a few feet away.
Slowly, he makes his way over.] Fucker got us both again, huh?
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Still getting us. [He can see the evidence of Matt's tears, but he won't bring them up directly.] C'mere. [He holds out a hand.]
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What'd it do to you?
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Not if you feel half as fucking horrible as I do.
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[He stops, shuffling closer to Mello slowly. It's reluctant, but he needs Mello right now, and he's not gonna refuse him.]
Why d'you feel bad?
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I want you to be okay, but there's nothing I can do.
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[He stops as his throat goes dry, starts to ache, and hot, burning tears sting the corners of his eyes all over again. He starts to pull away from Mello just a bit, a gut reaction more than anything. Matt's gotten so used to comforting himself...]
-I don't hafta wait anymore. [He looks away.] I'm here now, with you, and that's- that's all I've been waiting so long for.
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[He's caught awkwardly between letting Matt step away and wanting to pull him back, and he finds himself staring at the wall closest to them, which is mostly blue now.]
Matty, I'm sorry.
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Stop doing that. It isn't your fault, dammit - yours or his. It's - God - it's just the way everything works sometimes! And it sucks, yeah, but what the fuck can we do?
[He steps forward again, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to be close to Mello.] Please don't put yourself down anymore. It kills me every time you do. [The double entendre doesn't hit him at the moment.]
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[He tugs at his hair, meeting Matt's eyes.] I can't help it, you know. Thinking you're mine to take care of. I know you resent the hell out of it. It's just. Better than feeling helpless.
[The helplessness he can feel pressing in on him from all sides in this room, and he's unable to fight it back the way he usually can. They're both at the mercy of the mansion's whims now; they don't have homes to go back to. Mello does believe he should be able to do something about it.]
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I- I can't be taken care of. I'm a grown man, and one who just seems to attract trouble. I mean, Jesus, it only took me two years to die - and by that point, I'd already quit trying so damn hard!
[He stops, eyes widening slightly when he realizes what he just admitted.]
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You didn't care if you died.
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No. I didn't.
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[Now his voice does snap under the tension, coming out more as a whisper than anything else.]
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Because I was tired.
[He knows Mello'll understand that. He was tired of being alone, tired of wandering - he had nothing left to live for. After a while, he actually started to detest life itself. Why keep doing something you hate?]
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