Better Out Than In

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[Again, L had been exploring. It was the only method of trying to find a way out...and L wanted out... He wanted to go back. The door opened, and he found himself peering into a strange, multicolored room. The walls and floor faded in and out with various slowly-changing colors--purples, deep blues, light blues, greens, yellows, oranges, reds, and

Comments

[down_to_nowhere]

[Mello feels better now that he's sleeping again. Matt's back, and they'll be fine; they just have a couple of extra obstacles to get around now, that's all.

Then he steps into the room that's decidedly not the library, and it all hits him, everything he's been pretending not to feel, for Matt's sake, but for his own, too: the worry, the grief, the guilt. Is Matt stuck in the mansion forever? Mello wanted better for him, should've been able to figure out a way for them to escape, a place they could go where his one damn second wouldn't matter. Now Matt doesn't even have one second, and he's going to have to deal with being dead sometime, and after B--which Mello is still sure was his fault--he's not sure they can handle it. If they can't... he'll be lost. Like he was after that last big fight, and fuck, he hates needing anyone. Spent his whole life making sure he didn't, in fact. But he needs Matt.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and slouches with his back against the wall, which swirls black and gray over his head. The door's gone, of course.]

[ooc: Also barefoot, with a ponytail, and his usual black jeans and black t-shirt with an abstract silver design on it.]

[logical_red]

[Matt looks up, turns around to leave now that his tears are mostly dried up-

And the door's gone.

And Mello's standing there, looking utterly miserable as he leans back against the wall, just a few feet away.

Slowly, he makes his way over.] Fucker got us both again, huh?

[down_to_nowhere]

[Mello lifts his head and lets his hand fall to his side.]

Still getting us. [He can see the evidence of Matt's tears, but he won't bring them up directly.] C'mere. [He holds out a hand.]

[logical_red]

I'm- I'm fine, [he says, but comes forward anyway, his fingertips tracing lightly along Mello's palm.]

What'd it do to you?

[down_to_nowhere]

You're not fine. [He pulls Matt into his arms, not caring who sees. Everyone else seems too wrapped up in their own misery to notice, anyway.]

Not if you feel half as fucking horrible as I do.

[logical_red]

Why-

[He stops, shuffling closer to Mello slowly. It's reluctant, but he needs Mello right now, and he's not gonna refuse him.]

Why d'you feel bad?

[down_to_nowhere]

[He sighs, turning his head to get a little of the smoky scent of Matt's hair.]

I want you to be okay, but there's nothing I can do.

[logical_red]

Look, I-

[He stops as his throat goes dry, starts to ache, and hot, burning tears sting the corners of his eyes all over again. He starts to pull away from Mello just a bit, a gut reaction more than anything. Matt's gotten so used to comforting himself...]

-I don't hafta wait anymore. [He looks away.] I'm here now, with you, and that's- that's all I've been waiting so long for.

[down_to_nowhere]

You shouldn't have had to wait.

[He's caught awkwardly between letting Matt step away and wanting to pull him back, and he finds himself staring at the wall closest to them, which is mostly blue now.]

Matty, I'm sorry.

[logical_red]

[And that's it; Matt pulls completely away, slamming his palm against the wall. The colors ripple outward from his hand, fading the blue into an angry red. He glares openly at Mello; it seems impossible to contain any extreme emotion in this room.]

Stop doing that. It isn't your fault, dammit - yours or his. It's - God - it's just the way everything works sometimes! And it sucks, yeah, but what the fuck can we do?

[He steps forward again, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to be close to Mello.] Please don't put yourself down anymore. It kills me every time you do. [The double entendre doesn't hit him at the moment.]

[down_to_nowhere]

I don't want to have this fight again!

[He tugs at his hair, meeting Matt's eyes.] I can't help it, you know. Thinking you're mine to take care of. I know you resent the hell out of it. It's just. Better than feeling helpless.

[The helplessness he can feel pressing in on him from all sides in this room, and he's unable to fight it back the way he usually can. They're both at the mercy of the mansion's whims now; they don't have homes to go back to. Mello does believe he should be able to do something about it.]

[logical_red]

Then stop! If you wanna stop fighting, then just- stop!

I- I can't be taken care of. I'm a grown man, and one who just seems to attract trouble. I mean, Jesus, it only took me two years to die - and by that point, I'd already quit trying so damn hard!

[He stops, eyes widening slightly when he realizes what he just admitted.]

[down_to_nowhere]

It's because I-- [Mello starts to snap, but when those last words sink in, he freezes, and stares at Matt. When he speaks again, his voice is flat with an artificial calm that comes of keeping it from breaking.]

You didn't care if you died.

[logical_red]

[He's not gonna lie, and he's not gonna hide anymore.]

No. I didn't.

[down_to_nowhere]

Why?

[Now his voice does snap under the tension, coming out more as a whisper than anything else.]

[logical_red]

[God, he hates himself right now.]

Because I was tired.

[He knows Mello'll understand that. He was tired of being alone, tired of wandering - he had nothing left to live for. After a while, he actually started to detest life itself. Why keep doing something you hate?]