How's It Gonna Be?
This June brings with it a lot of excitement. Moving back to Chicago, away from the moldy city that brings nothing but unhapiness.
I wonder often how things will turn out, my second time around. I've imagined things on such a grand scale, premium education, beautiful apartments, everyone with their own agendas, and me somehow mixing in to all of it. The job education and life experience I've had are incomprable, but I think that I need to do this for me, to go back to the place I never really gave a chance because I was so hung up on love, and do it over.
My relationships have dictated my happiness for far too long. I allow myself to get so wrapped up in them that I forget my goals and who I am. It makes me question if I knew who I was to begin with. I'm still adjusting, still figuring out what niche I fit into best. There is nothing wrong with that, is there? However, Self-Discovery isn't supposed to be a life-long journey is it?
I have knots in my stomach because I look back at all of the events within recent history that have torn me down, and I realize that I have subjected myself, willingly, to all of them. I have chosen to remain in a position that is dangerous for my heart, and for what? What satisfaction have I gotten out of it? I feel belittled, unintelligent. I feel wronged.
I've had this problem before. Difficulty to turn away. Why is that? Do I just not grasp the idea that alone doesn't mean lonely?
I'm a bit lost and finding the right direction seems difficult because I don't really know where I'm headed. This needs to work out. I need a plan.
I wonder often how things will turn out, my second time around. I've imagined things on such a grand scale, premium education, beautiful apartments, everyone with their own agendas, and me somehow mixing in to all of it. The job education and life experience I've had are incomprable, but I think that I need to do this for me, to go back to the place I never really gave a chance because I was so hung up on love, and do it over.
My relationships have dictated my happiness for far too long. I allow myself to get so wrapped up in them that I forget my goals and who I am. It makes me question if I knew who I was to begin with. I'm still adjusting, still figuring out what niche I fit into best. There is nothing wrong with that, is there? However, Self-Discovery isn't supposed to be a life-long journey is it?
I have knots in my stomach because I look back at all of the events within recent history that have torn me down, and I realize that I have subjected myself, willingly, to all of them. I have chosen to remain in a position that is dangerous for my heart, and for what? What satisfaction have I gotten out of it? I feel belittled, unintelligent. I feel wronged.
I've had this problem before. Difficulty to turn away. Why is that? Do I just not grasp the idea that alone doesn't mean lonely?
I'm a bit lost and finding the right direction seems difficult because I don't really know where I'm headed. This needs to work out. I need a plan.