Who am I going to be?
I talk a lot to myself lately. Not out loud, but in my head. To much, more than likely. Not really anything important most of the time. Random thoughts, just looking around thinking and contemplating. But sometimes something passes through that catches my attention.
The other day I was looking at a friends FaceBook page and the thought, "I want to be more like her" passed by my consciousness. That actually went through my head. I remember a time in my life when something like that would have never crossed my mind. I was fine with who I was, warts and all, and now that goes through my mind. She's not a bad person, I wasn't wishing to be a negative thing in anyway, but it felt for a moment like I coveted her life. She is proud of her work and does a good job, she has lots of friends at work, a great hobby, her own home, a decent look and style and most of all, she has confidence. I envied her confidence.
That's not me moving forward in my pursuits, so why am I beating myself up for it? I guess, because this is my blog and I can do what I want. I guess because I want to get it off my shoulders and out of my head. But it's still there. I see her at work, we talk, we are friendly and it's there in the back of my mind, that thought that went through there. I don't hate her for it, how could I? She's as cool as a cucumber and awesome on top of that. But part of me does hate myself. I have it pretty damn good, and I just can't be happy with it. Just disgusting.
On another note, I love where I work. LOVE IT. Can't ask for more from a work place. But my job, the thing I do all day while I'm surrounded my kick ass people and in this wonderful building, yea, that. I HATE that. My skin crawls every time the phone rings, my shoulders slump when I open the programs to get emails. I must roll my eyes 100 times a day. I know I should say something to my boss (yes, I have that kind of boss) but I don't even know how. I have been advised to do so by someone who has already worked in my department and moved on. "He'll understand and maybe have you focus on something else", she said. "It's best that he know in case something comes across his desk that might interest you", she said. All makes sense for sure. But I just don't know. I am obviously in a state of burn out and we are going into our busiest time of year. I just wish I cold put my head down and make it through January. I pray it does not show in my work. I want to do a good job even if I am just not feeling it.
Had a great day with Billingsly, it was nice to reconnect. We had a really positive phone call about all my leftover guilt about not being in her life for all that time. We had a Supernatural marathon and ate junk food. Man, I could just not ask for better in my life.
I must focus!
The other day I was looking at a friends FaceBook page and the thought, "I want to be more like her" passed by my consciousness. That actually went through my head. I remember a time in my life when something like that would have never crossed my mind. I was fine with who I was, warts and all, and now that goes through my mind. She's not a bad person, I wasn't wishing to be a negative thing in anyway, but it felt for a moment like I coveted her life. She is proud of her work and does a good job, she has lots of friends at work, a great hobby, her own home, a decent look and style and most of all, she has confidence. I envied her confidence.
That's not me moving forward in my pursuits, so why am I beating myself up for it? I guess, because this is my blog and I can do what I want. I guess because I want to get it off my shoulders and out of my head. But it's still there. I see her at work, we talk, we are friendly and it's there in the back of my mind, that thought that went through there. I don't hate her for it, how could I? She's as cool as a cucumber and awesome on top of that. But part of me does hate myself. I have it pretty damn good, and I just can't be happy with it. Just disgusting.
On another note, I love where I work. LOVE IT. Can't ask for more from a work place. But my job, the thing I do all day while I'm surrounded my kick ass people and in this wonderful building, yea, that. I HATE that. My skin crawls every time the phone rings, my shoulders slump when I open the programs to get emails. I must roll my eyes 100 times a day. I know I should say something to my boss (yes, I have that kind of boss) but I don't even know how. I have been advised to do so by someone who has already worked in my department and moved on. "He'll understand and maybe have you focus on something else", she said. "It's best that he know in case something comes across his desk that might interest you", she said. All makes sense for sure. But I just don't know. I am obviously in a state of burn out and we are going into our busiest time of year. I just wish I cold put my head down and make it through January. I pray it does not show in my work. I want to do a good job even if I am just not feeling it.
Had a great day with Billingsly, it was nice to reconnect. We had a really positive phone call about all my leftover guilt about not being in her life for all that time. We had a Supernatural marathon and ate junk food. Man, I could just not ask for better in my life.
I must focus!