Life is begging for me to grab it by the hair and fuck it like the dirty slut it is.....
Oh whatta world whatta world. Where to begin???
A little over a year ago....I had it all. A lovely, safe, comfy home....my beautiful baby boy, the love of my life who I swore loved me back just the same....I had a family. I had Love. I had happiness. I had meaning.
I don't know what I did to drive him to doing that shit. I dont know why my love wasnt enough to make him stop. I don't know how he so easily threw everything away. I thought this was what I had to do, for myself and our son....and for him even. I thought things would be better if I was out of that situation. Some ways it is....I don't spend my days obsessing over what he might be doing where he might be going, if he's lying to me, if he's ok. I don't have to see those cold, hollow,red eyes. I don't have to watch my soulmate change into a stranger. But where's my home??? Wheres my FAMILY???? Where's my backbone? I have no one to lean on or count on....ughhh.
I was doing okay for a lil bit.....I tryed to fill the voids with whatever I could. but it was all bullshit. Not what I really want.
Had a job. Paid decent. I should of done something with the money when I had the chance. Then....stress. Drama. Cops.....I quit. Like a weak idiot.
now not a damn place in this county will hire me.
Josh- ya. He distracted me from how miserable I was for awhile....But he was just another Joker dressed up as a king.He could never replace all that I lost. I could never be in love with him. How can I love anyone?????
Friends??? Ya right. There's no such thing. Everyone will tear me down in a heartbeat if it benefits them i some way. No one cares enough to really be there. No one can help me.
I have so much guilt. For fucking up my life. For not being enough for him...or anyone. For not being able to give Carson the life I promised. For never being strong enough.
I just want.......A decent house, far away from here, where my son can run and play and I can be right by his side enjoying life with him. I want to get him away from all this ugliness. I want to smile again. I want to make my son proud. I want to cook again. I want loving arms around me at night, and a gentle hand to caress my face and tell me its gonna be okay.
I swear I just need one more shot.....at everything. I swear I'll make things right. I wont let myself or my son down ever again. I'll live up to my full potential and be everything that I've been wanting to be.
Just let me gt my foot in the door...any door.
A little over a year ago....I had it all. A lovely, safe, comfy home....my beautiful baby boy, the love of my life who I swore loved me back just the same....I had a family. I had Love. I had happiness. I had meaning.
I don't know what I did to drive him to doing that shit. I dont know why my love wasnt enough to make him stop. I don't know how he so easily threw everything away. I thought this was what I had to do, for myself and our son....and for him even. I thought things would be better if I was out of that situation. Some ways it is....I don't spend my days obsessing over what he might be doing where he might be going, if he's lying to me, if he's ok. I don't have to see those cold, hollow,red eyes. I don't have to watch my soulmate change into a stranger. But where's my home??? Wheres my FAMILY???? Where's my backbone? I have no one to lean on or count on....ughhh.
I was doing okay for a lil bit.....I tryed to fill the voids with whatever I could. but it was all bullshit. Not what I really want.
Had a job. Paid decent. I should of done something with the money when I had the chance. Then....stress. Drama. Cops.....I quit. Like a weak idiot.
now not a damn place in this county will hire me.
Josh- ya. He distracted me from how miserable I was for awhile....But he was just another Joker dressed up as a king.He could never replace all that I lost. I could never be in love with him. How can I love anyone?????
Friends??? Ya right. There's no such thing. Everyone will tear me down in a heartbeat if it benefits them i some way. No one cares enough to really be there. No one can help me.
I have so much guilt. For fucking up my life. For not being enough for him...or anyone. For not being able to give Carson the life I promised. For never being strong enough.
I just want.......A decent house, far away from here, where my son can run and play and I can be right by his side enjoying life with him. I want to get him away from all this ugliness. I want to smile again. I want to make my son proud. I want to cook again. I want loving arms around me at night, and a gentle hand to caress my face and tell me its gonna be okay.
I swear I just need one more shot.....at everything. I swear I'll make things right. I wont let myself or my son down ever again. I'll live up to my full potential and be everything that I've been wanting to be.
Just let me gt my foot in the door...any door.