The Truth As Told By a Cynic
******************************************
WARNING: Gaining information is dangerous. Be sure you want to know before asking because once you learn the truth, there's no way to unlearn it. Proceed with caution. The owner of this journal accepts no responsibility for anyone nosy enough to keep reading who ends up learning something they wish they didn't know.
******************************************
Tonight I stopped breathing. It was only for a minute or so, but it was long enough for me to realize that I was living out one of my greatest fears. What amazed me about the experience was how calm and un-panicky my mind remained. It never occurred to me to seek help from the person sitting across from me or to draw attention to my plight. I just thought, "Okay, I need air. How do I get it? Well, not by panicking." After the fact, I was shaky and weak. How is it that in a situation such as that, in a time of real concern or danger, calm is my method, but a situation as harmless as a date or the words "we need to talk" or sometimes just being handed one extra paper that throws off my routine triggers an almost aggressive "fight or flight" response?
In other news:
I've been a tad shallow in my writing lately. Especially when it comes to the "dating files". This is mostly because some people have taken to reading my entries on a regular basis and that level of intimacy and vulnerability makes me a little uncomfortable. Or maybe it's the accountability and honesty that makes me nervous. Either way, I'd be lying if I said it's to protect the innocent.
It's really to protect me.
From what is the real question. From me, him, or them?
When I was younger, I used to listen to the sappy love songs on the radio and wonder about the person being sung about. I built up in my head an image of what kind of woman the men were always gushing about or pining after. And that image became my ideal. I wanted to be a woman who inspired such emotion from a man. I wanted to feel those feelings, to love and be loved with that intensity and devotion that could only be expressed in songs.
Turns out that until I can find a man willing to FEEL those emotions, I'll never be a woman who INSPIRES them. Go figure.
During the last few weeks, I've been getting to know this guy. We e-mail and text, talk on the phone, and actually go out on "dates". He's smart and funny and very sweet. He says the nicest things and somehow manages to make me feel like I'm a very special person. And suddenly, I'm listening to the radio, fighting those nagging thoughts that if I'd just give him a chance, I might finally experience my reciprocal "Moon River" emotions.
But I won't give him a chance. I'm scared to death of him. I let myself be vulnerable before and look how well that turned out for me. Why would I willingly put myself through it again? In the back of my head, his sweet words trigger suspicion: What does he want from me? What's he getting at? Is he just another "We William", faking a future to get what he wants today? My insecurities are so overblown that any perceivable change in behavior, no matter how slight, real or imagined, causes me to doubt myself, my feelings, and my new interest. And then I'm back where I started.
And I'm terrified that the words are going to win me over, break through my shell, and cause swoony behavior. It's impossible to remain aloof and in control when my affections have been won over. And if I lose that, where will lie my appeal?
Sometimes I hate being a girl. A few sweet words and some tender behaviors and we suddenly trade our realistic (albeit slightly cynical) view of life for a more quixotic approach.
I just don't want to be disappointed anymore....
*******************************************
PS If anyone has taken it upon themselves to indulge in the truth of me, be warned: It's bad form to use any of it against me. Especially for your own personal gain.
*******************************************
WARNING: Gaining information is dangerous. Be sure you want to know before asking because once you learn the truth, there's no way to unlearn it. Proceed with caution. The owner of this journal accepts no responsibility for anyone nosy enough to keep reading who ends up learning something they wish they didn't know.
******************************************
Tonight I stopped breathing. It was only for a minute or so, but it was long enough for me to realize that I was living out one of my greatest fears. What amazed me about the experience was how calm and un-panicky my mind remained. It never occurred to me to seek help from the person sitting across from me or to draw attention to my plight. I just thought, "Okay, I need air. How do I get it? Well, not by panicking." After the fact, I was shaky and weak. How is it that in a situation such as that, in a time of real concern or danger, calm is my method, but a situation as harmless as a date or the words "we need to talk" or sometimes just being handed one extra paper that throws off my routine triggers an almost aggressive "fight or flight" response?
In other news:
I've been a tad shallow in my writing lately. Especially when it comes to the "dating files". This is mostly because some people have taken to reading my entries on a regular basis and that level of intimacy and vulnerability makes me a little uncomfortable. Or maybe it's the accountability and honesty that makes me nervous. Either way, I'd be lying if I said it's to protect the innocent.
It's really to protect me.
From what is the real question. From me, him, or them?
When I was younger, I used to listen to the sappy love songs on the radio and wonder about the person being sung about. I built up in my head an image of what kind of woman the men were always gushing about or pining after. And that image became my ideal. I wanted to be a woman who inspired such emotion from a man. I wanted to feel those feelings, to love and be loved with that intensity and devotion that could only be expressed in songs.
Turns out that until I can find a man willing to FEEL those emotions, I'll never be a woman who INSPIRES them. Go figure.
During the last few weeks, I've been getting to know this guy. We e-mail and text, talk on the phone, and actually go out on "dates". He's smart and funny and very sweet. He says the nicest things and somehow manages to make me feel like I'm a very special person. And suddenly, I'm listening to the radio, fighting those nagging thoughts that if I'd just give him a chance, I might finally experience my reciprocal "Moon River" emotions.
But I won't give him a chance. I'm scared to death of him. I let myself be vulnerable before and look how well that turned out for me. Why would I willingly put myself through it again? In the back of my head, his sweet words trigger suspicion: What does he want from me? What's he getting at? Is he just another "We William", faking a future to get what he wants today? My insecurities are so overblown that any perceivable change in behavior, no matter how slight, real or imagined, causes me to doubt myself, my feelings, and my new interest. And then I'm back where I started.
And I'm terrified that the words are going to win me over, break through my shell, and cause swoony behavior. It's impossible to remain aloof and in control when my affections have been won over. And if I lose that, where will lie my appeal?
Sometimes I hate being a girl. A few sweet words and some tender behaviors and we suddenly trade our realistic (albeit slightly cynical) view of life for a more quixotic approach.
I just don't want to be disappointed anymore....
*******************************************
PS If anyone has taken it upon themselves to indulge in the truth of me, be warned: It's bad form to use any of it against me. Especially for your own personal gain.
*******************************************