Coming Down...
The blues seem to have settled back in. The effects of the Synthetic Happiness has waned, my cheery attitude has flat-lined, and the reality of daily living has returned.
Is this really my life? A plastic euphoria from the Pill O' Joy that lasts a week and then back to the emptiness of my existence until next week when the doctor ups the dosage? And then what? Another week of good to be followed by the rest of my life? Woo-hoo, I can't wait...
Yeah, I totally see why life is worth living...
I know that everyone really wants me to feel better. And so I'm trying; really, I am. But to be completely honest, I don't want my desire to live to come from a prescription bottle. I want there to be more. But there is nothing more. Not for me.
I'm on the threshold of bus-bait status. I have no money and can't seem to find the hole in my bank account. I have a handful of people in my life who don't even notice that I love them so much that I keep going simply to save them grief despite how hard it is for me.
And it's once again Christmastime...
The season always makes me feel down and blue. I know I mentioned it last year. But this year it feels horribly worse. And this morning I finally figured out why:
Usually I go through the season feeling empty and sad, but unaware what exactly it is that I'm looking for. Usually it's just a feeling that something is missing. This year, I'm looking at what is missing. This year, my mind is haunted with the images of what it should look like and the contrast of what it actually does look like. This year, it's more than just "empty and sad"; it's "disappointed and grieving". It's more than just "it's not what I thought it would be"; it's "it's not what I was hoping it would be".
Is it ever?
Is anything ever what we expect? Is anyone ever where they thought they would be at any given point in their lives? Is anyone ever who they thought they would be when they look back on who they once were?
Is this really all I have to look forward to? Is it really worth it?
Is this really my life? A plastic euphoria from the Pill O' Joy that lasts a week and then back to the emptiness of my existence until next week when the doctor ups the dosage? And then what? Another week of good to be followed by the rest of my life? Woo-hoo, I can't wait...
Yeah, I totally see why life is worth living...
I know that everyone really wants me to feel better. And so I'm trying; really, I am. But to be completely honest, I don't want my desire to live to come from a prescription bottle. I want there to be more. But there is nothing more. Not for me.
I'm on the threshold of bus-bait status. I have no money and can't seem to find the hole in my bank account. I have a handful of people in my life who don't even notice that I love them so much that I keep going simply to save them grief despite how hard it is for me.
And it's once again Christmastime...
The season always makes me feel down and blue. I know I mentioned it last year. But this year it feels horribly worse. And this morning I finally figured out why:
Usually I go through the season feeling empty and sad, but unaware what exactly it is that I'm looking for. Usually it's just a feeling that something is missing. This year, I'm looking at what is missing. This year, my mind is haunted with the images of what it should look like and the contrast of what it actually does look like. This year, it's more than just "empty and sad"; it's "disappointed and grieving". It's more than just "it's not what I thought it would be"; it's "it's not what I was hoping it would be".
Is it ever?
Is anything ever what we expect? Is anyone ever where they thought they would be at any given point in their lives? Is anyone ever who they thought they would be when they look back on who they once were?
Is this really all I have to look forward to? Is it really worth it?