Silence Is Golden
It's finally stopped. For the moment at least, all is quiet in my head and I can hear the real world outside of myself. It's a nice sound.
Last night I was talking with a friend of mine. She was listening to all the stuff I've been struggling with lately. Quietly she let me cry and whine and fret about all the things I have no control over and all the things I wish was different and all the hopes and dreams I feel have died. She listened to my fears and worries and confusion. She listened as I described the voices that ring in my head and all the things that are said. She listened as I struggled to determine what was real, what was pretend, and what was flat out lies. She listened as I explained all the things I never thought I'd feel because I'm too smart to not understand the things that I suddenly find myself not understanding. I told her about who I was afraid I was becoming.
And her response to it all?
"Deema, you are so tormented. The Enemy must really be afraid of you."
What? "What?"
"He must know you are going to be really powerful for God for him to be working this hard to keep you down."
And suddenly, there was nothing. All the static that's been in my head for the last while was suddenly gone and for the first time, I could think. She said she could see that moment. It was like there was a cloud around me, the static she supposed, and when she said that, a light shot through those clouds and cleared them away. And she watched my face as it all sunk in.
And in the clarity of the silence I realized something that I pretty much already know to begin with:
As humans, we were created to be God's companions. As women, we were later created to be men's companions. I've been so focused on not fulfilling that second purpose that I missed my first purpose.
I do have a purpose. There is a reason for me being here. I don't yet know what, but it's there. And it will come in time.
So now I need to remind myself every day to keep focused on my purpose, being a companion of God. Because everything else is just background noise.
Last night I was talking with a friend of mine. She was listening to all the stuff I've been struggling with lately. Quietly she let me cry and whine and fret about all the things I have no control over and all the things I wish was different and all the hopes and dreams I feel have died. She listened to my fears and worries and confusion. She listened as I described the voices that ring in my head and all the things that are said. She listened as I struggled to determine what was real, what was pretend, and what was flat out lies. She listened as I explained all the things I never thought I'd feel because I'm too smart to not understand the things that I suddenly find myself not understanding. I told her about who I was afraid I was becoming.
And her response to it all?
"Deema, you are so tormented. The Enemy must really be afraid of you."
What? "What?"
"He must know you are going to be really powerful for God for him to be working this hard to keep you down."
And suddenly, there was nothing. All the static that's been in my head for the last while was suddenly gone and for the first time, I could think. She said she could see that moment. It was like there was a cloud around me, the static she supposed, and when she said that, a light shot through those clouds and cleared them away. And she watched my face as it all sunk in.
And in the clarity of the silence I realized something that I pretty much already know to begin with:
As humans, we were created to be God's companions. As women, we were later created to be men's companions. I've been so focused on not fulfilling that second purpose that I missed my first purpose.
I do have a purpose. There is a reason for me being here. I don't yet know what, but it's there. And it will come in time.
So now I need to remind myself every day to keep focused on my purpose, being a companion of God. Because everything else is just background noise.