(no subject)
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all of your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.
Said goodbye today. I do feel some closure, but there's still so much pain. It's like society expects me to be done grieving now. I wish it worked that way. It's going to take a long time for me to heal. You're not supposed to have to go to your best friend's funeral when you're 21 years old, or sit with her mom - helping her to pick out her outfit and hairstyle, and make picture boards and cry. You're not supposed to feel this much pain in your heart, mind and body.
We're supposed to talk about everything and nothing. We're supposed to go out to the bar. We're supposed to watch scary movies. We're supposed to go out on double dates. We're supposed to graduate in May. We're supposed to be bridesmaids at each other's weddings. We're supposed to babysit each other's kids. We're supposed to be old ladies with opinions about everything.
Jilian would want me to live my life the best I can. She'd want me to be happy, to make a difference, to fall in love, to laugh, to smile, to cry wiht tears of joy, to be a good friend to others, to find my spirituality, to set an example for Amanda, to drink, and to love and be loved by others. She'd want me to live and remember her everyday with the joy of our memories together and the impact she's left on me.
I'm going to do my best to honor her memory by living my life to the fullest, making each day count. No Day But Today, right?
It' going to take time, though. I know that. I'll need to be patient and allow myself to heal. They say time heals all wounds. I sure hope they're right because I'm not sure how long I can bear this. My heart is aching. My eyes are stinging from tears and lack of sleep. Every step I take hurts. My head hurts constantly. I can't hold down food...it's like there's too much grief in my body to fit anything else inside it.
I have hope, though. Jilian would never just leave me. I'll see her again someday. In hte meantime, I'll talk to her when I need her, tell her when I'm happy/sad/angry/jealous/anxious/excited, tell her about my triumphs and pitfalls, and anything that's on my heart. Mike says I can always talk to her. I think he's right. I know she's listening to me.
Aaron and Jilian made a cd awhile back, and we all got copies today. Jilian kept forgetting to give me a copy everytime I saw her. hahahhaa. Ohhhh Jilian. :) It's gorgeous, though. She can still sing to me, and sing me to sleep.
I'll be okay.
Said goodbye today. I do feel some closure, but there's still so much pain. It's like society expects me to be done grieving now. I wish it worked that way. It's going to take a long time for me to heal. You're not supposed to have to go to your best friend's funeral when you're 21 years old, or sit with her mom - helping her to pick out her outfit and hairstyle, and make picture boards and cry. You're not supposed to feel this much pain in your heart, mind and body.
We're supposed to talk about everything and nothing. We're supposed to go out to the bar. We're supposed to watch scary movies. We're supposed to go out on double dates. We're supposed to graduate in May. We're supposed to be bridesmaids at each other's weddings. We're supposed to babysit each other's kids. We're supposed to be old ladies with opinions about everything.
Jilian would want me to live my life the best I can. She'd want me to be happy, to make a difference, to fall in love, to laugh, to smile, to cry wiht tears of joy, to be a good friend to others, to find my spirituality, to set an example for Amanda, to drink, and to love and be loved by others. She'd want me to live and remember her everyday with the joy of our memories together and the impact she's left on me.
I'm going to do my best to honor her memory by living my life to the fullest, making each day count. No Day But Today, right?
It' going to take time, though. I know that. I'll need to be patient and allow myself to heal. They say time heals all wounds. I sure hope they're right because I'm not sure how long I can bear this. My heart is aching. My eyes are stinging from tears and lack of sleep. Every step I take hurts. My head hurts constantly. I can't hold down food...it's like there's too much grief in my body to fit anything else inside it.
I have hope, though. Jilian would never just leave me. I'll see her again someday. In hte meantime, I'll talk to her when I need her, tell her when I'm happy/sad/angry/jealous/anxious/excited, tell her about my triumphs and pitfalls, and anything that's on my heart. Mike says I can always talk to her. I think he's right. I know she's listening to me.
Aaron and Jilian made a cd awhile back, and we all got copies today. Jilian kept forgetting to give me a copy everytime I saw her. hahahhaa. Ohhhh Jilian. :) It's gorgeous, though. She can still sing to me, and sing me to sleep.
I'll be okay.