Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
I haven't seen this movie for years. Mentally, I had it categorized as "pretty good", so it was a bit of a shock watching it again... dear god, the casting issues. If you haven't seen it, you should, if only for the entertainment value of seeing Keanu Reeves struggle mightily with an English accent. ("I say!")
His three facial expressions utilized in this film can be broken down thusly:
Preternaturally blank - 85%
Disgust/Horror/Fear/Bitchin' Case of Indigestion - 13%
Nostril flaring-ecstasy - 2%
It goes downhill from there. Winona Ryder (as Mina Murray) is absolutely beautiful in that Edgar Allan Poe heroine sort of way (a look that I fervently coveted in my teenage years) but nearly all her dialogue is delivered in a highly affected, nasal squeak. Sadie Frost is hampered by dodgy costume choices in her role as Lucy Westenra. Is flaming salmon orange the traditional color for Fallen Women in Victorian times, then? And why is she dressed like a clown for her funeral? Hasn't she suffered enough?
I like Gary Oldman, but he's just not who I think of as Dracula. Never mind the fact that Old!Dracula's hair greatly resembles a well-rounded pair of buttocks perched on his head. Young!Dracula is not much better, as he's sporting chestnut tresses, the Vlad 'stache and muttonchops and looking very much like an undernourished 70s porn star. Nothing prepares a person for seeing a half-naked Gary Oldman with muttonchops and a 'stache writhing on a bed making R-rated noises, with Winona Ryder attached to his sternum like a charmingly disheveled, waif-like leech.
Anthony Hopkins makes a terrible, hammy Van Helsing. Then again, I'm of the opinion that he makes a terrible, hammy anything. Unlike Oldman, who gives the scenery a properly thorough mauling, Hopkins only slobbers on it from a discreet distance. Dear Hollywood, please stop casting this man every time you need an Old Guy with a British/vaguely European Accent.
Now, there were some good things about the movie. Probably the most impressive is how they contrived all the special effects without modern digital technology. It looks and feels rather old school, like a more extreme version of the old black and white horror films of the 1950s-1960s. Picture ornate studio sets with generous use of fog machine and buckets o' stage blood. Very atmospheric, but a bit over the top-- and considering that it's me saying this... well. Maybe it's time to dial it back a notch.
There's a lot of nice attention to detail-- note how Dracula's shadow moves independently from the vamp himself, or the creepy effect of Dracula's brides emerging from the silken sheets of the bed. That scene stuck in my head for years, and not just because of the "Just say no to oral sex, children!" subtext.
But mostly, I find myself really, really wishing that someone would remake this movie with better writing and a better cast. I cannot for the life of me pick who'd make a good Dracula, but damn, I so want to find out.
His three facial expressions utilized in this film can be broken down thusly:
Preternaturally blank - 85%
Disgust/Horror/Fear/Bitchin' Case of Indigestion - 13%
Nostril flaring-ecstasy - 2%
It goes downhill from there. Winona Ryder (as Mina Murray) is absolutely beautiful in that Edgar Allan Poe heroine sort of way (a look that I fervently coveted in my teenage years) but nearly all her dialogue is delivered in a highly affected, nasal squeak. Sadie Frost is hampered by dodgy costume choices in her role as Lucy Westenra. Is flaming salmon orange the traditional color for Fallen Women in Victorian times, then? And why is she dressed like a clown for her funeral? Hasn't she suffered enough?
I like Gary Oldman, but he's just not who I think of as Dracula. Never mind the fact that Old!Dracula's hair greatly resembles a well-rounded pair of buttocks perched on his head. Young!Dracula is not much better, as he's sporting chestnut tresses, the Vlad 'stache and muttonchops and looking very much like an undernourished 70s porn star. Nothing prepares a person for seeing a half-naked Gary Oldman with muttonchops and a 'stache writhing on a bed making R-rated noises, with Winona Ryder attached to his sternum like a charmingly disheveled, waif-like leech.
Anthony Hopkins makes a terrible, hammy Van Helsing. Then again, I'm of the opinion that he makes a terrible, hammy anything. Unlike Oldman, who gives the scenery a properly thorough mauling, Hopkins only slobbers on it from a discreet distance. Dear Hollywood, please stop casting this man every time you need an Old Guy with a British/vaguely European Accent.
Now, there were some good things about the movie. Probably the most impressive is how they contrived all the special effects without modern digital technology. It looks and feels rather old school, like a more extreme version of the old black and white horror films of the 1950s-1960s. Picture ornate studio sets with generous use of fog machine and buckets o' stage blood. Very atmospheric, but a bit over the top-- and considering that it's me saying this... well. Maybe it's time to dial it back a notch.
There's a lot of nice attention to detail-- note how Dracula's shadow moves independently from the vamp himself, or the creepy effect of Dracula's brides emerging from the silken sheets of the bed. That scene stuck in my head for years, and not just because of the "Just say no to oral sex, children!" subtext.
But mostly, I find myself really, really wishing that someone would remake this movie with better writing and a better cast. I cannot for the life of me pick who'd make a good Dracula, but damn, I so want to find out.