Wow! Two Entries In One Weekend!
Well, last night was.......................decidedly strange.
I was so pumped for it all day - the new band I'm working with, competing at my old home field, being able to combine my worlds, instead of being the "new person" and the "squid without an ocean" (that was for Morris - hahaha), I thought "hey, now this is my turf, my scene, my world..........." and instead it just felt............awkward.
I can't even put my finger on it.
Maybe it was that Daddy Bill, the head judge, saw me when I walked in before LT even got there, and the first thing he wanted to talk about was.........yup, you guessed it, "WHAT HAPPENED AT RIVERSIDE?" Ugh - will it never end? I mean, he was very complimentary towards me about the whole thing, as was Coop when I saw him later in the evening when I ran into him, but it's still something that I can't quite get out of my system, even though nothing about the night resembled anything I did last year at Riverside.
Maybe it was also that when we were going on the field to compete he said to me "wow, I still can't get used to seeing you with THIS band, something's just not right", also solidifying the fact that Pittston IS no longer my band, my scene, or my world. That while I'm in a great community and a great program and doing what I love doing, I still don't feel like it's "mine" yet..................and how long will it take me to feel that way?
So I had a few moments BEFORE LT even took the field last night where I kind of had an emotional shut-down. Not a break-down, there is a difference. Just I got so far inside my own head, and started processing all the changes that have taken place in my life in the past few months, or even thinking back to this time last year when I thought I was so close to the elusive "good life" and how my life was then, as compared to now. And it hit me: it's all good now. In some ways, better. And it's scaring the life out of me, since last year at this time I was sort of lulled into a false sense of security about how "wow, everything turned out great!" And here I am again, starting to feel it again............and I can't let myself. I just can't. My guard is up in so many ways. On the surface, I guess I'm projecting confidence and happiness and all that good stuff. But on the inside? I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.................again.
Constant change. That's been my world since I came back to NePa over 2 years ago. And that is life. If you don't change, you don't grow. It's like the allegorical roller coaster that comes up so much in my life - if you don't have the lows, you don't realize how great the highs are. But Laurie B, even though she loves roller coasters, does have that fear of heights. Once she gets over the big hill, everything is fine and she enjoys the ride. Problem is, I feel some days that instead of one big hill, there's a never-ending line of them............and everytime I start to enjoy the ride, I'm back to being scared, and uneasy, and over-analytical and just not really believing, that things are as they should be, and that I'm going to be fine. Keep waiting to get stuck, or fall..............................and oh how I just wish I could relax and "surrender to the flow" and make the most of all of it.
I'm much better about it than I used to be. But I think I still have a loooooooooooong way to go.
I was so pumped for it all day - the new band I'm working with, competing at my old home field, being able to combine my worlds, instead of being the "new person" and the "squid without an ocean" (that was for Morris - hahaha), I thought "hey, now this is my turf, my scene, my world..........." and instead it just felt............awkward.
I can't even put my finger on it.
Maybe it was that Daddy Bill, the head judge, saw me when I walked in before LT even got there, and the first thing he wanted to talk about was.........yup, you guessed it, "WHAT HAPPENED AT RIVERSIDE?" Ugh - will it never end? I mean, he was very complimentary towards me about the whole thing, as was Coop when I saw him later in the evening when I ran into him, but it's still something that I can't quite get out of my system, even though nothing about the night resembled anything I did last year at Riverside.
Maybe it was also that when we were going on the field to compete he said to me "wow, I still can't get used to seeing you with THIS band, something's just not right", also solidifying the fact that Pittston IS no longer my band, my scene, or my world. That while I'm in a great community and a great program and doing what I love doing, I still don't feel like it's "mine" yet..................and how long will it take me to feel that way?
So I had a few moments BEFORE LT even took the field last night where I kind of had an emotional shut-down. Not a break-down, there is a difference. Just I got so far inside my own head, and started processing all the changes that have taken place in my life in the past few months, or even thinking back to this time last year when I thought I was so close to the elusive "good life" and how my life was then, as compared to now. And it hit me: it's all good now. In some ways, better. And it's scaring the life out of me, since last year at this time I was sort of lulled into a false sense of security about how "wow, everything turned out great!" And here I am again, starting to feel it again............and I can't let myself. I just can't. My guard is up in so many ways. On the surface, I guess I'm projecting confidence and happiness and all that good stuff. But on the inside? I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.................again.
Constant change. That's been my world since I came back to NePa over 2 years ago. And that is life. If you don't change, you don't grow. It's like the allegorical roller coaster that comes up so much in my life - if you don't have the lows, you don't realize how great the highs are. But Laurie B, even though she loves roller coasters, does have that fear of heights. Once she gets over the big hill, everything is fine and she enjoys the ride. Problem is, I feel some days that instead of one big hill, there's a never-ending line of them............and everytime I start to enjoy the ride, I'm back to being scared, and uneasy, and over-analytical and just not really believing, that things are as they should be, and that I'm going to be fine. Keep waiting to get stuck, or fall..............................and oh how I just wish I could relax and "surrender to the flow" and make the most of all of it.
I'm much better about it than I used to be. But I think I still have a loooooooooooong way to go.