From the archives.
I had intended to submit this to The Sex Positive Journalism Awards, but it looks as though I missed the deadline, dammit. I thought y'all might be interested, though--it's one of my favorites from the Scarlet Letters column that I wrote for almost 2 years. It has a much more flippant tone than I usually used in that space (remember it was written for a mostly 18 year-old audience), but I still feel pleased with it.
1) THOU SHALT be respectful of the people that choose to share their sexual selves with you. Respect the boundaries and limits that they set, listen to their desires and fears, and take consent as your watchword. No one wants to sleep with a jerk, and believe me, sweetie, that kind of word travels fast.
2) THOU SHALT be honest with your partners. Don't want a monogamous relationship? Tested positive for something contagious? Like to dress in her clothing when she's at work? 'Fess up. Nothing cools the flames of lust like a whiff of deception. You owe it to them, and you owe to you. Good ethics make for good sex.
3) THOU SHALT get tested regularly and take safer sex precautions as appropriate. I don't really need to belabor this point, do I? Be smart. No one wants to sleep with an idiot, either.
4) THOU SHALT read. Read, read, read. Learn new skills, refine your technique, and keep up with the latest health and safer sex information. Go to workshops, and then read some more. Educated lovers are the best lovers, and good lovers get great opportunities.
5) THOU SHALT keep an open mind. Maybe your partner wants to try something new. Maybe you do. Maybe you're perfectly happy with your repertoire as it stands, but can't understand why your best friend or study buddy gets up to some of the stuff they do. These are learning opportunities. Even if you're certain a particular practice isn't for you, try not to begrudge the fact that it might get someone else off. Every adult deserves consensual sexual pleasure, and we don't all get it the same way.
6) THOU SHALT NOT skimp on the use of lube. I don't care if you're Casanova reincarnate, no one should do without the help that a good lubricant provides. It enhances sensation, often dramatically, and it helps keep condoms from breaking due to friction. Remember that oil-based lubricants will disintegrate latex, and silicone-based lubricants will do the same to silicon sex toys.
7) THOU SHALT maintain good grooming practices. This does not mean that you should douse yourself in perfume or cologne, either. Clean, healthy, hydrated bodies smell MUCH better than a cloud of Eau De Stank. And for pity's sake, clip and file rough edges from your fingernails if you're planning to put your hands anywhere delicate.
8) THOU SHALT not divulge someone else's sexual behavior life to all and sundry, nor shall thou out someone without their permission. It's tacky, and it makes you look like a jerk. Refer to Commandment One.
9) THOU SHALT protect thyself, physically and emotionally. I don't mean safer sex here (that got covered in Commandment Three), but rather making choices that are good for you. Respect yourself, make decisions that you can live with, and make them in your right mind, not when you're upset or intoxicated. Don't agree to do something or someone that you're going to regret later. That way lies ooky feelings and expensive therapy bills.
10) THOU SHALT enjoy thyself, and endeavour to make sure your partners do, too. The desire and capacity for sexual pleasure is a gift, not a shameful secret. Give it to yourself, share it with others--whatever brings you joy, and only what brings you joy.
1) THOU SHALT be respectful of the people that choose to share their sexual selves with you. Respect the boundaries and limits that they set, listen to their desires and fears, and take consent as your watchword. No one wants to sleep with a jerk, and believe me, sweetie, that kind of word travels fast.
2) THOU SHALT be honest with your partners. Don't want a monogamous relationship? Tested positive for something contagious? Like to dress in her clothing when she's at work? 'Fess up. Nothing cools the flames of lust like a whiff of deception. You owe it to them, and you owe to you. Good ethics make for good sex.
3) THOU SHALT get tested regularly and take safer sex precautions as appropriate. I don't really need to belabor this point, do I? Be smart. No one wants to sleep with an idiot, either.
4) THOU SHALT read. Read, read, read. Learn new skills, refine your technique, and keep up with the latest health and safer sex information. Go to workshops, and then read some more. Educated lovers are the best lovers, and good lovers get great opportunities.
5) THOU SHALT keep an open mind. Maybe your partner wants to try something new. Maybe you do. Maybe you're perfectly happy with your repertoire as it stands, but can't understand why your best friend or study buddy gets up to some of the stuff they do. These are learning opportunities. Even if you're certain a particular practice isn't for you, try not to begrudge the fact that it might get someone else off. Every adult deserves consensual sexual pleasure, and we don't all get it the same way.
6) THOU SHALT NOT skimp on the use of lube. I don't care if you're Casanova reincarnate, no one should do without the help that a good lubricant provides. It enhances sensation, often dramatically, and it helps keep condoms from breaking due to friction. Remember that oil-based lubricants will disintegrate latex, and silicone-based lubricants will do the same to silicon sex toys.
7) THOU SHALT maintain good grooming practices. This does not mean that you should douse yourself in perfume or cologne, either. Clean, healthy, hydrated bodies smell MUCH better than a cloud of Eau De Stank. And for pity's sake, clip and file rough edges from your fingernails if you're planning to put your hands anywhere delicate.
8) THOU SHALT not divulge someone else's sexual behavior life to all and sundry, nor shall thou out someone without their permission. It's tacky, and it makes you look like a jerk. Refer to Commandment One.
9) THOU SHALT protect thyself, physically and emotionally. I don't mean safer sex here (that got covered in Commandment Three), but rather making choices that are good for you. Respect yourself, make decisions that you can live with, and make them in your right mind, not when you're upset or intoxicated. Don't agree to do something or someone that you're going to regret later. That way lies ooky feelings and expensive therapy bills.
10) THOU SHALT enjoy thyself, and endeavour to make sure your partners do, too. The desire and capacity for sexual pleasure is a gift, not a shameful secret. Give it to yourself, share it with others--whatever brings you joy, and only what brings you joy.