I am just....
so.
fucking.
tired.
of.
being.
alone.
and crying, and being angry, and feeling like I lost the chance at something that wouldn't have made me feel like I've always felt - and now always will - that thre is not another living soul on earth who will love me no matter what I do, hug me when I need to be hugged, let me cry on their shoulder when I need to cry.
Jen, you were awesome today. I think it almost made it worse having someone show concern, love and sympathy. When people ignore me or don't care about me, I can be angry. Angry is better than hurt, because hurt is letting out all of that emotion in the form of crying. IN PUBLIC, for fuck's sake. It's even worse when I'm home by myself.
I think the worst part about all of this is that I never wanted to think I was truly alone, that someday my father would come to "apologize" - but I never knew the real story - there was nothing to apologize for, and I know I'm truly alone in the world now. After knowing wht my mother did, she is also dead to me. I cannot forgive her for making me feel like my own father didn't want me all these years and it must have been something I did.
I have three dogs who need me very much. They were all abandoned as babies like I thought I was for so long. I owe it to them to be around. As far as the idea of finding someone who has the time, inclination, emotional strength (and perceptiveness that I might need help more than a couple of days after finding out both that my long-lost fater never gave up on me and now he's dead so I'll never get to see him to thank him for trying so hard to spend time with me and caring all these years) to help me through (yes, I know, theryk - but you've got a really busy time and a joyous occasion, I don't want to bring this into your life right now) - what a fucking joke. Times like this, I start getting pissed off at other things - like how the VA was supposed to give me my award letter within 15 days of December 7th and it's been like 60 days now (called the DAV again today and left a message since the guy who does my case was already gone for the day at 3:15), realizing I may have to spend money myself on a washer and dryer because I refuse to go to nasty laundromats anymore and end up with who knows what kind of greasy-ass stains all over new bed linens I've just washed and dried, being by myself and being so depressed I have to stay as far from the kitchen as possible - because I know what nasty habits i have when I get depressed.
Damn, what a fucking pity party. Sorry for those of you who were tricked into clicking beyond the cut. I'll try to concentrate on the good things and be happy as I can, like thisrabbit suggested last night. :)
fucking.
tired.
of.
being.
alone.
and crying, and being angry, and feeling like I lost the chance at something that wouldn't have made me feel like I've always felt - and now always will - that thre is not another living soul on earth who will love me no matter what I do, hug me when I need to be hugged, let me cry on their shoulder when I need to cry.
Jen, you were awesome today. I think it almost made it worse having someone show concern, love and sympathy. When people ignore me or don't care about me, I can be angry. Angry is better than hurt, because hurt is letting out all of that emotion in the form of crying. IN PUBLIC, for fuck's sake. It's even worse when I'm home by myself.
I think the worst part about all of this is that I never wanted to think I was truly alone, that someday my father would come to "apologize" - but I never knew the real story - there was nothing to apologize for, and I know I'm truly alone in the world now. After knowing wht my mother did, she is also dead to me. I cannot forgive her for making me feel like my own father didn't want me all these years and it must have been something I did.
I have three dogs who need me very much. They were all abandoned as babies like I thought I was for so long. I owe it to them to be around. As far as the idea of finding someone who has the time, inclination, emotional strength (and perceptiveness that I might need help more than a couple of days after finding out both that my long-lost fater never gave up on me and now he's dead so I'll never get to see him to thank him for trying so hard to spend time with me and caring all these years) to help me through (yes, I know, theryk - but you've got a really busy time and a joyous occasion, I don't want to bring this into your life right now) - what a fucking joke. Times like this, I start getting pissed off at other things - like how the VA was supposed to give me my award letter within 15 days of December 7th and it's been like 60 days now (called the DAV again today and left a message since the guy who does my case was already gone for the day at 3:15), realizing I may have to spend money myself on a washer and dryer because I refuse to go to nasty laundromats anymore and end up with who knows what kind of greasy-ass stains all over new bed linens I've just washed and dried, being by myself and being so depressed I have to stay as far from the kitchen as possible - because I know what nasty habits i have when I get depressed.
Damn, what a fucking pity party. Sorry for those of you who were tricked into clicking beyond the cut. I'll try to concentrate on the good things and be happy as I can, like thisrabbit suggested last night. :)