Music When I Wake Up
Music has always been there for me, especially when I want to wake up, and when I want to go to sleep.
Today, I feel awake literally and especially metaphorically. My emotions have been so shuttered and shut off lately that I was worried the disconnect might be permanent. Suffering so many rejections, defeats and denials over a relatively short period seemed to have burned me out completely. After being an emotional, loving, caring person for my whole life, I went through a period that can only be described as my personal dead zone. Nothing but music could even crack the shell, and even that was iffy at best.
Coming out of the weekend and a trip to Savannah, I find myself waking up again. The thoughts of another and the possibilities of my life are finally with me, and I can't get enough of the optimistic looking forward that seems to be a natural state again.
No, I haven't forgotten that I can be hurt badly, but I feel as though I've gained perspective. With that perspective comes a sense that I know better what I want, and don't want to let myself get anywhere near an involvement with someone who won't let themselves fall with me if that's how they feel. I can live with someone not feeling the same as me, but I most certainly cannot live with someone who feels nothing, or even worse, doesn't allow themselves to feel anything. That was the sort of situation that led to my emotional short-circuit.
Feeling the recurring themes that move through my life with the randomness of a Green Line train, I am again listening to Nine Inch Nails.
Some lyrics hit like a crumbling wall of bricks and cracked mortar.
"Zero Sum"
they're starting to open up the sky
they're starting to reach downthrough
and it feels like we're living in that split-second
of a car crash
and time is slowing down
and if we only had a little more time
and this time
is all there is
do you remember the time we
and all the times we
ahd should have
and were going to
i know
and i know you remember
how we could justify it all
and we knew better
in our hearts we knew better
and we told ourselves it didn't matter
and we chose to continue
and none of that matters anymore
in the hour of our twilight
and soon it will all be said and done
and we will all be back together as one
if we continue at all
shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeroes and ones
and you never get away
and you never get to take the easy way
and all of this is a consequence
brought about by our own hand
if you believe in that sort of thing
and did you ever really find
when you closed your eyes
any place that was still
and at peace
and i guess i just wanted to tell you
as the light starts to fade
that you are the reason
that i am not afraid
and i guess i just wanted to mention
as the heavens will fall
we will be together soon if we
will be anything at all
shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeroes and ones
***Italics are my own, echoing parts of this song that I can't feel anywhere but the very core of what there is of me these days.
Today, I feel awake literally and especially metaphorically. My emotions have been so shuttered and shut off lately that I was worried the disconnect might be permanent. Suffering so many rejections, defeats and denials over a relatively short period seemed to have burned me out completely. After being an emotional, loving, caring person for my whole life, I went through a period that can only be described as my personal dead zone. Nothing but music could even crack the shell, and even that was iffy at best.
Coming out of the weekend and a trip to Savannah, I find myself waking up again. The thoughts of another and the possibilities of my life are finally with me, and I can't get enough of the optimistic looking forward that seems to be a natural state again.
No, I haven't forgotten that I can be hurt badly, but I feel as though I've gained perspective. With that perspective comes a sense that I know better what I want, and don't want to let myself get anywhere near an involvement with someone who won't let themselves fall with me if that's how they feel. I can live with someone not feeling the same as me, but I most certainly cannot live with someone who feels nothing, or even worse, doesn't allow themselves to feel anything. That was the sort of situation that led to my emotional short-circuit.
Feeling the recurring themes that move through my life with the randomness of a Green Line train, I am again listening to Nine Inch Nails.
Some lyrics hit like a crumbling wall of bricks and cracked mortar.
"Zero Sum"
they're starting to open up the sky
they're starting to reach downthrough
and it feels like we're living in that split-second
of a car crash
and time is slowing down
and if we only had a little more time
and this time
is all there is
do you remember the time we
and all the times we
ahd should have
and were going to
i know
and i know you remember
how we could justify it all
and we knew better
in our hearts we knew better
and we told ourselves it didn't matter
and we chose to continue
and none of that matters anymore
in the hour of our twilight
and soon it will all be said and done
and we will all be back together as one
if we continue at all
shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeroes and ones
and you never get away
and you never get to take the easy way
and all of this is a consequence
brought about by our own hand
if you believe in that sort of thing
and did you ever really find
when you closed your eyes
any place that was still
and at peace
and i guess i just wanted to tell you
as the light starts to fade
that you are the reason
that i am not afraid
and i guess i just wanted to mention
as the heavens will fall
we will be together soon if we
will be anything at all
shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeroes and ones
***Italics are my own, echoing parts of this song that I can't feel anywhere but the very core of what there is of me these days.