Once i swore i would die for you, but i never meant like this....
if i died tomarrow, i wouldnt mind. i would feel bad for the people who would miss me. maybe then all the people who dont would finally realize what THEY had lost.
i dont claim to be perfect, i may joke about it, but im as far from perfect as one can me. i used to centered, i know who i was and would not change for anyone. i knew what i wanted from life, everything seemed to plan itself out. i had direction, ambition, and determination. i knew what i wanted to do and noone could tell me other wise. my goals were that of self improvement, self mastery, and discipline. i wasnt worried about money or girls or fitting in. none of those things were important to me then, girls especially. what good are they i thought, nice to look at, soft to touch. but what about all the relationships i had had before. in each one i was the dumpie, for what ever reason, i wouldnt put out, yes a male was actually dumped for that, or i wasnt good enough, or who they wanted me to be. why does one need the frustraitions and aggravations of the opposite sex? for some it is that very word, sex. sex seemed to be to be something to strive for, but i thought it would come along and be the right time for it. there were plenty of ladies i could have had sex with, some thats all i would have had to ask for, no relationship of anykind. but that was of no intrest to me. so a year or so passes and began to what i thought at the time "fall in love" with a friend of mind. i thought she loved me too, she cared about me, but didnt love me. i fell hard, like i always do apparently. i wallowed in a depression for the good last half of senior year, until a light could be seen at the end of the tunnel. i met this girl, SOMEONE WHO WISHES TO REMAIN ANONYMUS, who i thought was really cute. we date, one thing leads to another, and bing! we'er in love. i grow to love and care for her more then any creature or object on the planet. she dumps me, i now wallow and in not only a deep dark depression but a catatonic pit of dispare. dispite my best efforts and all my attempts i could not reach her, the part of her that used to yurn for me like i desprately yurn for her now. so deal with it i say, she will come back, once she sees what the dating world has to offer, she'll come back. i thought, im experienced as far as relationships go, i know whats out there, ive been with a bunch of girls, i know what i want, i know what ive got. i want to keep this. i thought maybe she wanted to see what was out there, turns out, as i see it she just wants to be alone, and never wants to be with me again. this is something that is hard for me to comprehend, and to cope with. how, who could she have felt like she did about me, and then dump me like that, the way she did, and then be like this. something has happened to her, she has changed, shes not who i used to love. i try to use that fact to steer my thoughts clear of the pain and anguish i feel with out her, her love, her touch. i try to tell myself "she would be with you if she really cared about you", "if you were meant to be together you will be", "if your not good enough for her, she isnt good enough for you".
everything helps, but its too much to take. ive lost my best friend, not just a girlfriend. i would spend everyday with her, every hour almost. i would neglect my friends and family, just to be with her. i may not have told her, or told her enough, but when i was away from her i needed to see her, i couldnt not see her. we would fight about stuff, small stuff, important to her though. i didnt mind the small things, i could let them go, i knew she was too important to fight over shit like that. but it was important to her, so i tried my best. inevidably i guess it was all in vane. there were times when i wanted to break up with her, a few actually. i wish i would have done it then, and had been done with her. i would not be in the predicament i am in today that is for shure. how whould she have felt then, as bad as i do, worse. my spine tingles with the idea of it, that she not me would be the one in agonizing pain. i thought we were it, capable of being one person, one spirit, together. not the case chief, her new life and being independent was more important than LOVE, love, what a vile creation, love which i herd her rant about over and over and over to no end. WHERE IS THAT LOVE NOW???!!! ill FUCKING tell you!!! i still have it, i carry it all by myself. i try, so so so so hard to be normal around her or towards her, so that she we want to be around me and i thought be with me again. but she can let never let anything be, she acts like we dont have a history together, like everything we went thru we didnt. and it disgusts me to no end. i try to seem like im ok without her, not let her enjoyed my suffering becuz i cant stand to be without her, i dont want her to have that power over more, or that satisfaction. i thought if we were to ever break up, i would have to saw my arm off to get away from her. funny, as it turns out all i had to do was love her more then myself. if that aint one for the record books i dont know what is.
fast forward to now, she never talks to me, the only conversations we have now or via the interent when i can occasionally steal her away from her new life. and mind you, when we have these conversations i try, my very very very best to sound happy and ok and normal while she sounds annoyed that im not falling to pieces. i try not to say anything to upset her or make her mad, but i just cant win. everytime we talk, it turns into an arguement, i seriously dont know how many times ive sat in front of this computer crying becuz of her, or wanted to smash my hand threw it. i believe that killing yourself for anyreason is stupid, let alone over another person. i wanted to kill myself before, along time ago, over the same bullshit, a girl. i learned then after that, that its not worth it, nothing is worth taking yer own life. especially not over someone else and what theyve done, especially if that sum one is a girl. what they use for a brain ill never know, assumin they use anything. but after all this shit, over and over again. the constant ups and downs and downs and downs, thinking that this is a test, or she'll come back or some bull shit like that. and then she tells me, she dosnt love me like she used to, and shes nothing to me anymore and will never be again, i wanted to die, i wanted it to all be over. i know its dumb and it is, and i didnt want to, but for some reason, the thought of not feeling this pain inside me anymore sounded like such a relief. the consiquence of everyone elses feelings and that i would actually be dead was out shined by the release and removal of all this pain, pain that i felt for losing someone i loved so dear, not becuz she died, or moved or becuz we cheated on eachother or niether of us really cared about the other, but becuz she wanted to, she just wanted to be alone, start over, no room for me, clean slate. if that isnt the most selfish thing i have ever seen, i dunno, i had so many things i wanted to do and could have done while i was with her, so many things i could have experienced or done, but i stayed with her, being with her and her wanting to be with me was most important. the fact that we were in life together, and had such a passion for eachother was the most fulfiling thing i have ever felt. ZAP!!!! imagine one day that taken away, with yer best friend, someone you see every day, and everynight, spend all your time with. "Deal with it" , Ill deal with it alright,fucking up my life, not know who i am anymore without you, what i want to do with my life where im goin, if im going anywhere.
whats am i doin, just spent the last amounts of money in my bank accounts on my class for next semester, my singular as in only one. i have no money, my family is in crazy debt, i dont know what im doing with my life, i dont know who i am, or where im goin as a person. i try meeting knew ppl and hangin out with new ppl, but there all to busy with thier own life to hang out with me, who can blame them. everything is goin good for them, why am i in such a rutt then? why is it that im going thru so much shit right now, why are we being made to suffeer? are we bad pppl? what did we deserve to deserve this, i know there are ppl in far worse situations but why is this happening to us, to me. why cant she see how much i need her, especially now more than ever. when i had her i had love, her love the way only she could give it, with that, no matter how grim or bleak things seemed i know everything was gonna be alright, cuz i still had her. well shes gone now, and livin it up, having a good ole time. a year and a half with my else was outta mind witha brush of the shoulders, after all who needs that baggage when you got a new school, new friends, new boys and a whole new life. wanna know what i got, i got a hand-me-down piece of scrap life that is what ever is left over from what we shared together. nothing is mine anymore, everythings, everywhere, everone is apart of her. every where i go ive been with her, everyperson i see, everthing i touch, some how related to her, this place this whole city reminds me of her. its one huge finger getting wwaived in my face constantly reminded me of what i had, and what ive lost. shes got it made, plenty of shit to keep her mind occupied, classes, parties, guys, whatever. im tryin to pull my life outta the toliet and start up over again, i gotta new job, its cool. still goin to maccomb, for what i dont know. know the same ppl, i dont resent them, but this shit im goin thru, i feel like they dont understand or appreciate what im goin thru, my constant mood swings puzzle them. im hot im cold, im happy im sad, all within a matter of seconds. i dont want them to have to deal with me like this, i never used to be such a mess b4, i used be the one telling ppl not to worry about shit, to deal. now everyone has such sage advice for me, i know there right, and i know what i have to do, but it doesnt work. maybe sometimes i dont want it to work, i know i dont, i know i just want to be with her. i dont want her if she dosnt want me, ha, i dont care i still want her back, but i can stand that she left me, and for her own reasons. i just wasnt good enough to keep around, not worth while enough to bring into this new life she started. the funny thing was i always thought she was too good for me, thought i was the luckiest guy in the universe, couldnt understand why noone ever jumped on the oppertunity to be they with, man are they blind or sumting i thought, thought she was too good for me, maybe i was right...
im sorry to you CAROLYN!!!!!, that ive done all this, against yer wishes, but im done. done with all of this, done caring, done feeling, most importantly done hurting. i hate it, but im glad your happy, im trying to deal with you not loving or wanting to be with me, but you need to deal with me still loveing and caring about you, whether its relationships or friendships, its not always rainbows and butterflys, its comprimise. i know in my heart that i love you with all my soul, that used to be good enough for you, but now... i want you in my life, i want to be with you, you are my best friend and i want you to continue to be, but until we see this eye to eye, i dont want you...
this will be my last journal entry, i cant deal with this anymore. it was meant to help, help me cope or deal or whatever. all its done is create more turmoil with the one i love. so im saying goodbye, goodbye to everyone who reads this whine dribble i post everyday, i hope your post are happier then mine. if i dont see you again, keep on, keep truckin, good stuff, good stuff....
*NoaH*
i dont claim to be perfect, i may joke about it, but im as far from perfect as one can me. i used to centered, i know who i was and would not change for anyone. i knew what i wanted from life, everything seemed to plan itself out. i had direction, ambition, and determination. i knew what i wanted to do and noone could tell me other wise. my goals were that of self improvement, self mastery, and discipline. i wasnt worried about money or girls or fitting in. none of those things were important to me then, girls especially. what good are they i thought, nice to look at, soft to touch. but what about all the relationships i had had before. in each one i was the dumpie, for what ever reason, i wouldnt put out, yes a male was actually dumped for that, or i wasnt good enough, or who they wanted me to be. why does one need the frustraitions and aggravations of the opposite sex? for some it is that very word, sex. sex seemed to be to be something to strive for, but i thought it would come along and be the right time for it. there were plenty of ladies i could have had sex with, some thats all i would have had to ask for, no relationship of anykind. but that was of no intrest to me. so a year or so passes and began to what i thought at the time "fall in love" with a friend of mind. i thought she loved me too, she cared about me, but didnt love me. i fell hard, like i always do apparently. i wallowed in a depression for the good last half of senior year, until a light could be seen at the end of the tunnel. i met this girl, SOMEONE WHO WISHES TO REMAIN ANONYMUS, who i thought was really cute. we date, one thing leads to another, and bing! we'er in love. i grow to love and care for her more then any creature or object on the planet. she dumps me, i now wallow and in not only a deep dark depression but a catatonic pit of dispare. dispite my best efforts and all my attempts i could not reach her, the part of her that used to yurn for me like i desprately yurn for her now. so deal with it i say, she will come back, once she sees what the dating world has to offer, she'll come back. i thought, im experienced as far as relationships go, i know whats out there, ive been with a bunch of girls, i know what i want, i know what ive got. i want to keep this. i thought maybe she wanted to see what was out there, turns out, as i see it she just wants to be alone, and never wants to be with me again. this is something that is hard for me to comprehend, and to cope with. how, who could she have felt like she did about me, and then dump me like that, the way she did, and then be like this. something has happened to her, she has changed, shes not who i used to love. i try to use that fact to steer my thoughts clear of the pain and anguish i feel with out her, her love, her touch. i try to tell myself "she would be with you if she really cared about you", "if you were meant to be together you will be", "if your not good enough for her, she isnt good enough for you".
everything helps, but its too much to take. ive lost my best friend, not just a girlfriend. i would spend everyday with her, every hour almost. i would neglect my friends and family, just to be with her. i may not have told her, or told her enough, but when i was away from her i needed to see her, i couldnt not see her. we would fight about stuff, small stuff, important to her though. i didnt mind the small things, i could let them go, i knew she was too important to fight over shit like that. but it was important to her, so i tried my best. inevidably i guess it was all in vane. there were times when i wanted to break up with her, a few actually. i wish i would have done it then, and had been done with her. i would not be in the predicament i am in today that is for shure. how whould she have felt then, as bad as i do, worse. my spine tingles with the idea of it, that she not me would be the one in agonizing pain. i thought we were it, capable of being one person, one spirit, together. not the case chief, her new life and being independent was more important than LOVE, love, what a vile creation, love which i herd her rant about over and over and over to no end. WHERE IS THAT LOVE NOW???!!! ill FUCKING tell you!!! i still have it, i carry it all by myself. i try, so so so so hard to be normal around her or towards her, so that she we want to be around me and i thought be with me again. but she can let never let anything be, she acts like we dont have a history together, like everything we went thru we didnt. and it disgusts me to no end. i try to seem like im ok without her, not let her enjoyed my suffering becuz i cant stand to be without her, i dont want her to have that power over more, or that satisfaction. i thought if we were to ever break up, i would have to saw my arm off to get away from her. funny, as it turns out all i had to do was love her more then myself. if that aint one for the record books i dont know what is.
fast forward to now, she never talks to me, the only conversations we have now or via the interent when i can occasionally steal her away from her new life. and mind you, when we have these conversations i try, my very very very best to sound happy and ok and normal while she sounds annoyed that im not falling to pieces. i try not to say anything to upset her or make her mad, but i just cant win. everytime we talk, it turns into an arguement, i seriously dont know how many times ive sat in front of this computer crying becuz of her, or wanted to smash my hand threw it. i believe that killing yourself for anyreason is stupid, let alone over another person. i wanted to kill myself before, along time ago, over the same bullshit, a girl. i learned then after that, that its not worth it, nothing is worth taking yer own life. especially not over someone else and what theyve done, especially if that sum one is a girl. what they use for a brain ill never know, assumin they use anything. but after all this shit, over and over again. the constant ups and downs and downs and downs, thinking that this is a test, or she'll come back or some bull shit like that. and then she tells me, she dosnt love me like she used to, and shes nothing to me anymore and will never be again, i wanted to die, i wanted it to all be over. i know its dumb and it is, and i didnt want to, but for some reason, the thought of not feeling this pain inside me anymore sounded like such a relief. the consiquence of everyone elses feelings and that i would actually be dead was out shined by the release and removal of all this pain, pain that i felt for losing someone i loved so dear, not becuz she died, or moved or becuz we cheated on eachother or niether of us really cared about the other, but becuz she wanted to, she just wanted to be alone, start over, no room for me, clean slate. if that isnt the most selfish thing i have ever seen, i dunno, i had so many things i wanted to do and could have done while i was with her, so many things i could have experienced or done, but i stayed with her, being with her and her wanting to be with me was most important. the fact that we were in life together, and had such a passion for eachother was the most fulfiling thing i have ever felt. ZAP!!!! imagine one day that taken away, with yer best friend, someone you see every day, and everynight, spend all your time with. "Deal with it" , Ill deal with it alright,fucking up my life, not know who i am anymore without you, what i want to do with my life where im goin, if im going anywhere.
whats am i doin, just spent the last amounts of money in my bank accounts on my class for next semester, my singular as in only one. i have no money, my family is in crazy debt, i dont know what im doing with my life, i dont know who i am, or where im goin as a person. i try meeting knew ppl and hangin out with new ppl, but there all to busy with thier own life to hang out with me, who can blame them. everything is goin good for them, why am i in such a rutt then? why is it that im going thru so much shit right now, why are we being made to suffeer? are we bad pppl? what did we deserve to deserve this, i know there are ppl in far worse situations but why is this happening to us, to me. why cant she see how much i need her, especially now more than ever. when i had her i had love, her love the way only she could give it, with that, no matter how grim or bleak things seemed i know everything was gonna be alright, cuz i still had her. well shes gone now, and livin it up, having a good ole time. a year and a half with my else was outta mind witha brush of the shoulders, after all who needs that baggage when you got a new school, new friends, new boys and a whole new life. wanna know what i got, i got a hand-me-down piece of scrap life that is what ever is left over from what we shared together. nothing is mine anymore, everythings, everywhere, everone is apart of her. every where i go ive been with her, everyperson i see, everthing i touch, some how related to her, this place this whole city reminds me of her. its one huge finger getting wwaived in my face constantly reminded me of what i had, and what ive lost. shes got it made, plenty of shit to keep her mind occupied, classes, parties, guys, whatever. im tryin to pull my life outta the toliet and start up over again, i gotta new job, its cool. still goin to maccomb, for what i dont know. know the same ppl, i dont resent them, but this shit im goin thru, i feel like they dont understand or appreciate what im goin thru, my constant mood swings puzzle them. im hot im cold, im happy im sad, all within a matter of seconds. i dont want them to have to deal with me like this, i never used to be such a mess b4, i used be the one telling ppl not to worry about shit, to deal. now everyone has such sage advice for me, i know there right, and i know what i have to do, but it doesnt work. maybe sometimes i dont want it to work, i know i dont, i know i just want to be with her. i dont want her if she dosnt want me, ha, i dont care i still want her back, but i can stand that she left me, and for her own reasons. i just wasnt good enough to keep around, not worth while enough to bring into this new life she started. the funny thing was i always thought she was too good for me, thought i was the luckiest guy in the universe, couldnt understand why noone ever jumped on the oppertunity to be they with, man are they blind or sumting i thought, thought she was too good for me, maybe i was right...
im sorry to you CAROLYN!!!!!, that ive done all this, against yer wishes, but im done. done with all of this, done caring, done feeling, most importantly done hurting. i hate it, but im glad your happy, im trying to deal with you not loving or wanting to be with me, but you need to deal with me still loveing and caring about you, whether its relationships or friendships, its not always rainbows and butterflys, its comprimise. i know in my heart that i love you with all my soul, that used to be good enough for you, but now... i want you in my life, i want to be with you, you are my best friend and i want you to continue to be, but until we see this eye to eye, i dont want you...
this will be my last journal entry, i cant deal with this anymore. it was meant to help, help me cope or deal or whatever. all its done is create more turmoil with the one i love. so im saying goodbye, goodbye to everyone who reads this whine dribble i post everyday, i hope your post are happier then mine. if i dont see you again, keep on, keep truckin, good stuff, good stuff....
*NoaH*