dont worry, we'll all float on all right
Being that summer is two days from officailly ending, I have no problem summarizing it all now. I was thinking that I'd sum it all up by events/time periods, but then I figured I didn't really want to rehash it all and put it out there for everyone, and the people I'd confide in already know along with extras that benefit from other peoples gossip, so really it's not really worth being written down. So I figured that I would just write down what I learned this summer, which is a lot.
First of all, if someone were to ask me how my summer was - my response would be that it was interesting. Looking back at it, my summer was completely convoluted. It was good, and then good turned bad due to time, and then it just became a learning experience that I grew from which makes things interesting. (Follow the thought process). Really, I learned a lot about myself. I went from one extreme to another to another. Really, I knew nothing about myself in June because I honestly had no strong principles for myself or guidelines to follow. It was kind of, go with the flow and take things as they come. I don't know what a good motto would have been except for that I lacked the ability to say "no" to a lot of things and my line was "life is all about experiences". I was really oblivious to potential warning signs and disreguarded my friends concerns. Really, from June to the middle of July there were serious patterns of consistancy as I would be home, go away, and everything back at home would resume (to be really vague - sorry). The pattern began to get disrupted I think at Sharptop Cove with all the younglifers. That was seriously one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had in my life. I felt so close to my cabin, the leaders, and yes.. the lord, it was incredible. Sharptop was like a a dream, seriously I felt like I escaped from my life. But then I came back and held onto the experience, but basically let go of all I had gained and then I think I made a few bad decisions that led to a lot of hurt and a lot of people's skepticism about me and a lot of concern about my life, etc. etc. But I just shrugged it all off because I was kind of shocked at some of my actions, but I didn't really feel the burden of them untill other actions were taken and word spread and then wow, everything hit hard and I can completely say that I hit rock bottom all the way on the other side of the country, alone and I honestly can't even put it into words. It's not so much even being let down, except that from lets say January to lets say the middle of July I really let myself down. Can you imagine, that even last October, I was against drinking? That seems like so long ago and look at all I have accomplished, or the better wording would be look at all of my destruction since then. (if you know me, you'll understand this). I have really gone from absolutely having no major story to having a million, in the span of 6 months. I'm not gloating this, it actually kind of scares me.
You know what really sucks though? It really sucks how much people talk. Like, you tell someone something in confidentiality... and then you learn that that person let someone else in on it, who let someone else in on it.. and it goes on and on untill everyone knows something about you, that only your close friends should have known. I really hate gossip and I'm as much at fault as everyone else in the world is, but I'm really going to try and work on keeping my mouth shut and information in, because peoples actions are really no one elses business. And I know that personally, for someone I hardly even know to rub something in my face that I did really kind of pisses me off and really makes it apparent that if you want something to remain a secret, you best keep it completely to yourself, which I would hate to do because for me it's totally better to talk about it, deal with it, and then move on. If I didn't talk about anything to anyone.. I would suffocate. The other thing that I think really hurts people, well me I know for sure, is everyone elses expectations of you. This summer, I really had no expectation of myself, but everyone else did, especially after younglife camp, but even after camp I still really had no boundaries, but I think that personally, you can't be afraid of other peoples expectaions of you, you need to live your life for yourself and develop your own views. In meaning this, not everyones expectations are going to be the same and it's important to respect the fact that people are going to be different and do different things. And just because someone is living their lives differently from yourself, does not mean that these people should be judged as inferior to yourself. I say this because after younglife some people announced that they were completely against some of the things that tempted them previously. I just want it to be known officially that I never stated that I would completely stop things at camp. Yes, I allowed the Lord into my life, but dude, I wasn't all of a sudden healed and like I admire so much that some of my friends could completely shut out temtations, that's awesome, but I honestly did feel judged at some point and I felt that I wasn't living up to their expectations of me.. and really that hurt just as much as my own actions and then other peoples own actions hurt me... like I just realized that I need to be more assertive and create my own expectations of myself which (thank god) I've gotten a lot better at, I haven't perfected them, but at least I am more in tune with them I guess you could say. Which leads me to the next thing that I learned multiple times this summer - honesty is the best way. I used to kind of shrug off some things or approach things in round about ways, and I was kind of good at ignoring stuff I dindn't want people to find out and then kind of disreguard them or not handle them as I should have because I was afraid.. but I need to stop that too. Like actions have consequeces that need to be liven up to. Lies suck and hiding them only get people mad at you.. and I dislike that intensely.. so hello truth. I am going to learn how to be completely honest with everyone.
I'm really sorry to everyone that I hurt this summer and I'll even go as far as this year. I forgot a lot of valuable friendships and even though they've been rekindered, I still feel bad about leaving them behind. I'm really sorry for not listening to everyones concerns for me and getting mad that they were hvaing concerns and even more mad that the topic of me and everything got passed around along the line of friends yet no one would really talk to me about it which brings me to my next point. The other day Katie and I talked openly about everything.. about our feeling towards our friendship, how she was bitter towards me and we both just left our friendship behind that was once tighter then anything.. and it was one of the best conversations I had all summer. It was brutilly honest, but everything that stung and was said kind of healed everything. So really, this is my open book policy. If you have a problem with me seriously tell me it exactly as it is to my face, give me a reality check and hopefully things can only get better:) But yeah this has been extremely long, but that's what I got out of this summer without specifically citing events. It has totally felt like I have been on a rollercoaster ride and my seatbelt wasn't buckled untill the very end... and it's not commpletely secure but it's totally getting there.
As sorry as I am to all of my friends that I didn't live up to everything they expected of me, I also want to thank everyone for listening to things that were hard to hear and sticking by me like glue. You guys are seriously the best people ever and I'm really glad that all of my friendships got strengthened over the course of the summer and I can't wait to get them even tighter this year. Sar, I'm gonna miss you so much for two months you fraeakin Uguandan, but you'll have an awesome time and I'm excited for you. Mattie and Jenny thanks for being completely true and honest with yourselves, you're an awesome example to anyone, Bess dude you're crazy awesome and you've overcome so much this summer, Sarah and Bethany you guys are seriously like the best people I know genuinely.. you guys are so freaking selfless.. Kelsey you've totally come around and I'm totally happy for you and I've gotten a lot of respect for you, Lessss you're so much fun to be around and you're like half of my summer so thanks for hanging out with me:o) and I love our crazy times, Katie dude you have totally done your own thing and I have a lot of respect for that no matter how far apart we drifted i always gotchyo back and Kate best friends since 7th grade.. you totally have never changed and have stayed with me as I have and I appreciate that so much. That was like a year book page but I don't know I'm thanking people for summer and experiences I guess. Really I have no hard feelings about this summer. Every ounce of it made me stronger as a person and you know what I think that change is good. I think I really feared change, but change just helps people grow and I'm all for that, and I'm still all for experiences, just hopefully I won't screw myself over anymore then I did this summer.. wow. So that's that. Goodbye summer.. this is my closure, for everything.
"All life is an experiment, memories are data"
...Suz
First of all, if someone were to ask me how my summer was - my response would be that it was interesting. Looking back at it, my summer was completely convoluted. It was good, and then good turned bad due to time, and then it just became a learning experience that I grew from which makes things interesting. (Follow the thought process). Really, I learned a lot about myself. I went from one extreme to another to another. Really, I knew nothing about myself in June because I honestly had no strong principles for myself or guidelines to follow. It was kind of, go with the flow and take things as they come. I don't know what a good motto would have been except for that I lacked the ability to say "no" to a lot of things and my line was "life is all about experiences". I was really oblivious to potential warning signs and disreguarded my friends concerns. Really, from June to the middle of July there were serious patterns of consistancy as I would be home, go away, and everything back at home would resume (to be really vague - sorry). The pattern began to get disrupted I think at Sharptop Cove with all the younglifers. That was seriously one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had in my life. I felt so close to my cabin, the leaders, and yes.. the lord, it was incredible. Sharptop was like a a dream, seriously I felt like I escaped from my life. But then I came back and held onto the experience, but basically let go of all I had gained and then I think I made a few bad decisions that led to a lot of hurt and a lot of people's skepticism about me and a lot of concern about my life, etc. etc. But I just shrugged it all off because I was kind of shocked at some of my actions, but I didn't really feel the burden of them untill other actions were taken and word spread and then wow, everything hit hard and I can completely say that I hit rock bottom all the way on the other side of the country, alone and I honestly can't even put it into words. It's not so much even being let down, except that from lets say January to lets say the middle of July I really let myself down. Can you imagine, that even last October, I was against drinking? That seems like so long ago and look at all I have accomplished, or the better wording would be look at all of my destruction since then. (if you know me, you'll understand this). I have really gone from absolutely having no major story to having a million, in the span of 6 months. I'm not gloating this, it actually kind of scares me.
You know what really sucks though? It really sucks how much people talk. Like, you tell someone something in confidentiality... and then you learn that that person let someone else in on it, who let someone else in on it.. and it goes on and on untill everyone knows something about you, that only your close friends should have known. I really hate gossip and I'm as much at fault as everyone else in the world is, but I'm really going to try and work on keeping my mouth shut and information in, because peoples actions are really no one elses business. And I know that personally, for someone I hardly even know to rub something in my face that I did really kind of pisses me off and really makes it apparent that if you want something to remain a secret, you best keep it completely to yourself, which I would hate to do because for me it's totally better to talk about it, deal with it, and then move on. If I didn't talk about anything to anyone.. I would suffocate. The other thing that I think really hurts people, well me I know for sure, is everyone elses expectations of you. This summer, I really had no expectation of myself, but everyone else did, especially after younglife camp, but even after camp I still really had no boundaries, but I think that personally, you can't be afraid of other peoples expectaions of you, you need to live your life for yourself and develop your own views. In meaning this, not everyones expectations are going to be the same and it's important to respect the fact that people are going to be different and do different things. And just because someone is living their lives differently from yourself, does not mean that these people should be judged as inferior to yourself. I say this because after younglife some people announced that they were completely against some of the things that tempted them previously. I just want it to be known officially that I never stated that I would completely stop things at camp. Yes, I allowed the Lord into my life, but dude, I wasn't all of a sudden healed and like I admire so much that some of my friends could completely shut out temtations, that's awesome, but I honestly did feel judged at some point and I felt that I wasn't living up to their expectations of me.. and really that hurt just as much as my own actions and then other peoples own actions hurt me... like I just realized that I need to be more assertive and create my own expectations of myself which (thank god) I've gotten a lot better at, I haven't perfected them, but at least I am more in tune with them I guess you could say. Which leads me to the next thing that I learned multiple times this summer - honesty is the best way. I used to kind of shrug off some things or approach things in round about ways, and I was kind of good at ignoring stuff I dindn't want people to find out and then kind of disreguard them or not handle them as I should have because I was afraid.. but I need to stop that too. Like actions have consequeces that need to be liven up to. Lies suck and hiding them only get people mad at you.. and I dislike that intensely.. so hello truth. I am going to learn how to be completely honest with everyone.
I'm really sorry to everyone that I hurt this summer and I'll even go as far as this year. I forgot a lot of valuable friendships and even though they've been rekindered, I still feel bad about leaving them behind. I'm really sorry for not listening to everyones concerns for me and getting mad that they were hvaing concerns and even more mad that the topic of me and everything got passed around along the line of friends yet no one would really talk to me about it which brings me to my next point. The other day Katie and I talked openly about everything.. about our feeling towards our friendship, how she was bitter towards me and we both just left our friendship behind that was once tighter then anything.. and it was one of the best conversations I had all summer. It was brutilly honest, but everything that stung and was said kind of healed everything. So really, this is my open book policy. If you have a problem with me seriously tell me it exactly as it is to my face, give me a reality check and hopefully things can only get better:) But yeah this has been extremely long, but that's what I got out of this summer without specifically citing events. It has totally felt like I have been on a rollercoaster ride and my seatbelt wasn't buckled untill the very end... and it's not commpletely secure but it's totally getting there.
As sorry as I am to all of my friends that I didn't live up to everything they expected of me, I also want to thank everyone for listening to things that were hard to hear and sticking by me like glue. You guys are seriously the best people ever and I'm really glad that all of my friendships got strengthened over the course of the summer and I can't wait to get them even tighter this year. Sar, I'm gonna miss you so much for two months you fraeakin Uguandan, but you'll have an awesome time and I'm excited for you. Mattie and Jenny thanks for being completely true and honest with yourselves, you're an awesome example to anyone, Bess dude you're crazy awesome and you've overcome so much this summer, Sarah and Bethany you guys are seriously like the best people I know genuinely.. you guys are so freaking selfless.. Kelsey you've totally come around and I'm totally happy for you and I've gotten a lot of respect for you, Lessss you're so much fun to be around and you're like half of my summer so thanks for hanging out with me:o) and I love our crazy times, Katie dude you have totally done your own thing and I have a lot of respect for that no matter how far apart we drifted i always gotchyo back and Kate best friends since 7th grade.. you totally have never changed and have stayed with me as I have and I appreciate that so much. That was like a year book page but I don't know I'm thanking people for summer and experiences I guess. Really I have no hard feelings about this summer. Every ounce of it made me stronger as a person and you know what I think that change is good. I think I really feared change, but change just helps people grow and I'm all for that, and I'm still all for experiences, just hopefully I won't screw myself over anymore then I did this summer.. wow. So that's that. Goodbye summer.. this is my closure, for everything.
"All life is an experiment, memories are data"
...Suz